Scenarios Of Us

Dilemma

The crisp of afternoon air.  It was a chilly weather outside but with the chaos of people with those dust monter vehicles, the heat was still defining.

But despite the heat that's burning our skin, it was the time of the day that you will come running to me,  clinging your white petite arms around my neck and hugging me tight.

And I'm just there, standing still as a statue. Forzen like I was forstbitten but not by the cold,  but with the warmth that your body is giving me.

That was what we used to.

Cause now I'm standing alone.  And I feel like just waiting for the rain to drop and drench me. Drench my wholebeing,  my soul.  Cause I need a fresh start. A start that consist of no you.  Cause where are you anyways? I dont know.

"I'll be forever in your heart." you would say. Your blue eyes peircing through mine cause you've memorized the passages in my very soul.

But why does it feel like even in my heart,  I've lost you. Or were you still in there?  Cause I can't feel you anymore.  Only those vague images of our memories in my mind ,  the flashbacks that's containing our happiness, our sadness,  our goofiness together.  But that's not enough cause I want you here with me.The memories of us that I never want to vanish but instead I would want to add hundreds and thousands of them,  of us together, forever if possible.

Am I selfish? They could judge me all they want, I don't care.  Is it that bad to love someone?  Did I even say love?

What in the world were you thinking,  Ly?!  Love?!  Really?

Well,  I have feelings for her. I've fallen for her,  hard and deeper than I thought.  Would you blame me? I'm just human after all. I'm allowed to have feelings,  like were allowed to made a mistake, but not too often,  like you can't fall in love for anyone cause you can't simply fall for different person almost everyday. Thats just ridiculous.

But this affection,  or for better word, love that I have for her looks liks not enough for her to stay.

Some things ain't just meant to be, right?  And it sucks.

One minute you're having the time of your lives together and then the second you're alone drinking yourself to sleep.

Sometimes,  or I might admit that most of the time, i think and hope for us to be like those couples.  Normal,  simple and carefree couples.

Fuck the person who invented the word goodbye and ending and leaving and... I could go on and on but it won't change a thing,  right?

I hung my head low.  I feel like I'm going crazy. Carzy thinking about her,  crazy loving her, crazy of constantly trying not to forget her beautiful,  heaven sent features, crazy thinking that we could be together.

I'm tired of crying. But what would I do?  I dont know where to start looking,  I dont know to do, what would she want me to do?

I could forgive and forget. Forgive her for leaving and accept her back with open arms and forget everthing in the past and just continue where we ended. But its not that easy.

Easy isn't in the vocabulary of life. Cause if its easy for you then you're not living a life. Well for me,  life isnt wasy cause she isn't here with me,  but why does it feel like I'm also not living my life.  It's like I'm half dead half alive kind of drama.

All I could do right now is go home. Finish my routine ,that I have a lot of getting used to cause I used to do them with you. And then cry my eyes out every damn night.

Yes, it hurts.  But its part of the package.

There's not much of a choice,  is there?

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Sorry for typos🙊