Solangelo 1

Part 26

NICO

I only manage to hold myself together because I know Will will be needed eventually. And sure enough, in an hour he is pulled back to the infirmary.
'I'll come see you later.' He says, clutching my hand briefly before being pulled away.
I stay for a moment, watching him leave, before getting up and wandering to the edge of camp; stopping beside Thalia's tree.
I sit down, lean against the bark and breath slowly, carefully. I think back to Bianca, how we came here together, how I miss her. I clutch at the dirt.
'Stop.' I say to myself, tears starting to fall briefly as they always do, 'stop.'
But my mind reels, wondering whether she got the easy way out. My mind returns to where it always falls - she was always intending to leave me. She'd joined the hunters.
Maybe Hades gave her the same choice, and maybe she took it. Maybe she didn't have the same devotion to me as I did, and still do, to her.
'Stop.' I say again, more forceful. I rest my head against the tree and hit it lightly, willing myself to think of anything else.
'Stop what?' Someone asks from behind me, I jump slightly, turning quickly to see Annabeth standing a little while off. I wipe my eyes as I turn away.
'Don't do that.' I say, angry.
'Do what?'
'Sneak up on me.' I say, 'I don't like it.'
'You do realise that's exactly what you do.' She says laughing a little.
'Just don't do it.' I say.
'You're starting to sound like you again.' She says, sitting down beside me, 'you don't mind if I sit, do you?'
'I don't care.' I say, 'and what do you mean?'
'Grumpy. Angsts. In a good way.' She says, 'well no, not in a good way. Are you okay?'
'What kind of question is that?'
'The yes or no kind?' She replies quickly, 'if it's not a simple answer then something's not right.'
'When is anything ever okay? Honestly, has anything, ever, in your's or Percy's or mine or any demigod's life been okay?' I ask, turning to her and speaking fast, 'because I can't be the only one.'
'You're not.' She says carefully, 'maybe I shouldn't have said okay. Maybe just, I don't know, do you enjoy being here?'
'Camp half blood?'
'The land of the living.' She replies. I stay still, 'I know I might not be the one you want to talk to. But I care about you Nico, I really, truly do. And so many people do. But you can't keep doing things for us. You need to want to be here, or you'll resent us for keeping you here. You need to get better. And you can get better. I promise you, you can.'
'I'm fine.' I say weakly. And she stays silent, knowing I'm not.
'Okay.' She says, not wanting to push it further. She stands up and lingers a moment, 'thank you for coming back. I know it's incredibly selfish of me, but I really don't think I'd be able to do any of this without you.'
She walks away and I stay where I am. I wipe my eyes again and stare up at the sky. Right now, I am living for other people. And I know I can't keep doing that.