The Dreamer

DREAM JOURNAL

Day - 15

Hello, Journal.

I know I'm the only one who owns you and you're in my possession only and it's not likely that anyone will ever get to see you or read you...
But I'll still tell you everything. Not for me, not for anyone else, but for you. I owe you. You've always been there by my side.
I want you to know where you're from. How it all started.
And I'll tell you all of that today.

It started back in July, 2010. I was right years old back then. My birthday was coming up in August. But no one seemed to care. No one seemed to know.
But I did. I knew when my birthday was and I was excited about it. I wanted other people to be excited about it too.

What I didn't realize back then was that no one ever gave a fuck about me. This time they wouldn't either.

I was a burden. Trash. Unwanted. Unnecessary. I had always been.
And I was about to find that out soon.

I was so young back then. Only 8. My birthday was on August 1st, so I asked my mom to buy me some chocolates so that I could distribute them amongst my friends. My so-called "friends" that is.
But my mom waved me off. Told me to buy the chocolates myself.
Then I told her that I didn't have the money. Let her know that I couldn't buy it myself and that's why I was asking.
That was when she slapped me.
I wasn't prepared for it. I almost fell, and stumbled towards the wall.
Though I wasn't prepared, I wasn't surprised either. I would get slapped, beaten, shouted at only too often. If anything was out of place, not where it should've been, they'd come looking for me.
My sister even tried to kill me a couple of times.
But I didn't realize it. I never realized that I didn't matter. Not until that hot summer day in July, 2010.
I'm not sure why it had never occured to me before. Maybe because of Nathan, whom I used to play with all the time and who reassured me time and again that everything was okay and everything that wasn't, would be soon.
He was probably the only person in the world who loved me back then.
Everytime they'd beat me, I'd go over to his house and cry. He'd hold me in his arms, console me, convince me that they had only been doing that for my own good. He even said that my sister trying to kill me wasn't something I should worry about.
Only he was so vehemently wrong.
But I'd forget all my pains, all my worries, whenever I was around him. He was my only true friend. My soulmate.
I met him when I was 6, I guess. We were in kindergarten at the time. Life at home was mostly hell so I used to do a lot of sleepovers at his house. His parents didn't seem to mind. And my parents didn't care.
We used to stay together all the time. We were inseparable. I knew all the subliminal things about him that no one else could notice. He knew mine as well.
We knew each other from the inside out.
But we only got to stay together for 2 years. Their family moved to Toronto on 20th January, 2010, and I never got to see him again.
I stayed at his place the night before he left. I cried all night, hugging him. I cried so much that at one point I felt like my eyes were gonna bleed. I felt like blood would run down my cheeks instead of tears.
And then the next day, he left. His whole family left.
My parents wouldn't let me keep in contact with him.

That was when my depression hit.

Everyone around me sensed that, even my numb as fuck parents. I wouldn't wanna eat, couldn't get much sleep. I either cried all day or sat still, staring at the wall. So they let it easy on me, didn't beat me, slap me, scold me as much.
But only for a while though. Right before my birthday, right when I felt like my wound was starting to heal,
my mom stabbed a knife right into it.

And that wound never healed.

Reality came crashing down on me. I realized how alone I was.
Now with Nathan gone, no one cared about me. No one was excited about my birthday. And the worst part?
There was no one to save me.