The Dreamer

DREAM JOURNAL

I'm done.

So fucking done.

Done with life.

I guess I wasn't wrong about Austin the first time around. That he really is a son of a bitch.

I should've never let my guard down. Should've never killed that monster inside me. Never.

And now.

Because of him.

I can't even dream anymore.

I can't even sleep.

Why, Austin? Just why? Did you really have to do this? Did you really have to end things this way? Did you really hate me this entire time?

Do you hate me too? Do they hate me? Does everyone hate me as much as I hate myself?

Should I kill Austin now? Should I kill every person that hates me?

I don't love Austin anymore. Killing him should be easy.

But.
That's a lie.

No matter how strong I pretend to be, I'm not strong at all.

Ugh. My ears are ringing.

I'm just a weak, fragile mess.

Did I tell you I can't sleep?

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

And I'll never be able to kill Austin. I already lost Nate. I can't bear to lose Austin as well.

Oh. Wtf am I talking about. I've already lost him.
Wow it's so funny. The irony is priceless.
It's fun to laugh when you're sad.

But I... Love him.

I feel so defeated. I just want this shit to end.

Wow I hate myself so much.

It was me. It has always been me.
If I really wanna kill anyone I should kill myself.
I'm just a useless, worthless piece of shit nobody gives a fuck about.
I kept him waiting. And that's the one thing Austin hates. Waiting. He got impatient which is why he cheated on me. And out of all people in the world
He cheated on me with Kathy. And then again with Sarah. And he doesn't feel about it. Nor does Kathy or Sarah. Nobody feels nothing. Probably Chris and Tobias knew about this as well. They didn't tell me. NOBODY EVER TOLD ME. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME. NO ONE FEELS ANYTHING FOR ME. I THINK THE ONLY PERSON CAPABLE OF FEELING EMOTIONS COULD BE JUST ME BUT I'M SLOWLY LOSING THAT ABILITY AS WELL.

Oh Daisy. Calm down.

Guess Austin really does love sleeping with the girls.
Hope he's happy now. Hope he got everything he wanted.

He clearly doesn't love me anymore. I told you he got distant. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. He's totally disconnected from me.

In fact. He hates me.

No he didn't write that on his diary but it's crystal clear now.

Nobody. ever. loved. me.

When all I ever wanted was someone to love me.

Everybody hates me. I'm a villain. A monster without a heart who killed her parents and her sister.
I killed so many innocent people.
I only have friends because of my dreams. No dreams = no friends. I don't dream now, and I lost Kathy and Sarah. And Austin of course.
Oh wait. They weren't ever mine to begin with.

I'm never good enough. I was never good enough for Austin. Never good enough for anyone.

The memories...

Oh, how my parents used to torture me! If kind of fascinates me how they invented different ways to torture me every other day.

Paper cuts. On my eyelids. Wrists. Arms. Legs. Collarbones.
Bruises on my forehead, arms, back, legs. From all those beatings.
The nails on my toes. Uprooted. I screamed as they took them off. With a can opener.
Blood. Blood everywhere.
They'd pop balloons by my ears. My ears would ring from all those noise.
Tickle me.. tickle me for hours.
Why didn't they just... Kill me?

I don't know why they let me live. Let me create this world of fantasy I'm not even sure is real. A world where my dreams came true. Used to come true. No longer does. Never will again.

Since it was too much work for my parents to kill me, I'll just do it myself.

Goodbye.