The Dreamer

DREAM JOURNAL

Day - 92

My dear Journal,
For a moment, I thought I'd lost you. Forever.
I couldn't sleep for 48 hours.
I searched for you EVERYWHERE. Left no stone unturned. But I couldn't find you.
That was when it struck me. There's only one person in this world who could've gotten hold of you.
And as it turns out, I was right. It was Austin.
But, you know what Journal, I just don't have the energy anymore. Got no energy left to keep chasing Austin as he slips out of my grip everytime.
And today, when he offered to take me to Starbucks, I actually agreed.
He knows everything about me now. All my secrets. But it doesn't seem like he wants to kill me or anything.
And, in fact, he seems very empathetic, & he even said he feels sorry for everything that's happened to me.
Maybe he CAN be trusted, after all.

Well, I guess now I like him too, a bit. I mean, it's pretty obvious that he likes me, judging from the way he looks at me every once in a while.
I really don't have any idea where this is going.
If he's romantically interested in me (and it seems like he is) then... Well, too bad for him, I can only see him as a friend.

Hmm... Actually, Journal, you know what, I don't wanna kill Austin anymore. I don't see him as a threat anymore, and if I'm being completely honest, he'd make a really good friend, maybe even my best friend. And I could really use that.
Not like I need any more friends than I already have but...maybe it'll be nice for a change, getting someone that isn't under my spell?
Yeah, sounds like fun to me.
Plus we got a lot in common (like our taste in music, fashion and hobbies) so it's all good.
But the only thing that's bothering me right now is the fact that
HE MIGH'VE FALLEN FOR ME.
I'm just really hoping he hasn't. I can't control him, otherwise I'd have made sure that he saw me as a friend and nothing more.
It's just... You know what I'm talking about. I don't want anyone to fall in love with me like this. I mean, if it were like I had chosen him, made him fall for me through my dreams, that'd be one thing. But THIS – is dangerous.

I'm so broken... I don't wanna break him too.
He won't find what he's looking for in me.
I already kind of hate the fact that he's being so nice to me, even after knowing everything I've done.
This just feels wrong... SO WRONG.
Austin is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, not gonna lie. He'd have a girlfriend by now if he weren't so reserved.
Yeah. Any girl in my place would start dating him right away.
Oh wait. Was it a date today? DID I JUST FRICKIN GO ON A DATE WITH AUSTIN MAHONE?! A COFFEE DATE??!!
Oh hell no. It was NOT a date.
It wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't.
I'm not good for him. I'm not good for his health. I might just break his heart any moment, for the heartbreaker I am.

Or is it me? Am I afraid that I might fall in love? Am I afraid that he might re-break my heart? Is that why I wanna push him away & keep my distance?
Well thing is I've had enough. I mean, I wasn't supposed to be living right now. But somehow I survived & now I'll take no shit from anyone.
I won't let you break my heart Austin. I'll make sure that I'm the one who's controlling you in real life, if not through my dreams. And I, most damn definitely, won't fall for you.

Enough about him, Journal. Now it's time for your praises.
(Oh damn. I'm running a bit short on time. Still haven't worked out yet!) So Journal, I love you to the moon and back, you are my everything, I can't imagine my life without you, and I couldn't possibly love anyone/anything more than you.
Now take care and GOODNIGHT!

Yours,
Daisy