A GIRL LIKE YOU

43

Dad didn't say anything for a long moment. I tried to fill my lungs with as much oxygen ad I can. I was breathless. I've never shouted on my dad like that.
But then, dad goes and ask a million dollar question.
"Why the hell you didn't say that you didn't want him in the very beginning?"

Well, fuck dad, why didn't I think of that? I'm so stupid. That should've been my go from the beginning. I should've told my parents that I didn't like the guy and of course my parents would've understood.
Not.

But sarcasm is not going to do shit now. My dad and I never had a conversation about what happened 6 years ago, even though I saw the change in his behaviour towards me, I never spoke up because I was guilty, because I owed him. Butnow I think I should've. I wanted to on the wedding day when he came to hug me but he was too busy for this conversation. Not anymore. He needs to hear this.

"Isn't that obvious dad?" I said and then suddenlyI had to sit. So I sat down on the stoop by the porch. I put my head in my hands and tried to keep the tears from flowing, so that I could say what I want to say without my voice cracking. When I felt like I could do it, I started speaking without looking at my dad.
"All my life I've felt unwanted dad. I know you and mom love me amd I live you guys but lets face it you never wanted a kid. And there I was imposed on your life out of nowhere. Probably that was the reason I was such a trouble maker. Because I wanted the attention you and mom didn't give me. I wnated the affection Aaliyah had from her parents. I wanted to be loved. And yes I made a lot of mistaked dad. But it's my life, isn't it? Am I not supposed to do shit and learn from it. Why was I always forced to be this girl who was nothing but a robot in front of you and mom?
I was a teenager have all these unresolved emotion with nobody there for me. So yes I took the first opportunity a guy hit on me. Yes, I let him lead me to that path of sleepless nights, cigarettes and alcohol and whatnot. Even though I was never proud of that dad, but I felt alive when I did all of those things. I felt like I was not a burden on someone. Do you know how close I was to start doing drugs?" I finally looked up at my dad. He stood there staring at me. Pain in his eyes. Pain of what? Guilt? Or pain because I was in pain.
I didn't let that stray me. I continued to speak.
"I made a huge mistake dad and from that day till the day I would die, I would never forget how you took my blame on yoir head. I would never ever owe you anyless. I would never be able to pay out that debt. As messed up as it may sound, but tbe truth is that day when you were arrested was the first time I saw any spectrum of emotion from mom or you towards me. I felt loved that day unlike any other day of my entire life.
"So I made a promise to myself that I'll be the good girl you always wanted. I promised to change myself. I don't know you noticed or not but I changed dad. I stopped arguing with you and mom. I started taking that little affection I received from you both. I started to try and understand both of you."

I paused when dad moved and sat down beside me.
"I fucking lost my backbone in that process. I forgot how to stand up for myself trying to appease you and mom. I forgot how to live when all I knew was you wanted a daughter who is boring enough to not have a life, no life meant no trouble. Right dad?"
I finally looked directly in my dad's eyes and saw tears in them.
He opened his mouth to speak but I raised my hand in a gesture to stop him.
I have to get it over with once and for all.
"That is the reason I didn't broke it off with Aarav. I didn't have a strong enough reason. He seemed like a nice guy. So I accepted being with him. Love has never been nice to me dad. I've had a string of failed relationship. I've grown up with so many insecurities that you don't even know about. I thought that there is no way in hell I would ever find someone who would love a girl like me. So I might as well settle for what I was getting. I might as well make my parents happy in that process. I thought I'll probably fall in love with him eventually, as impossible as it seemed."
"Kiara..."
"Dad I know you and mom love me. I know you've done so much for me. You're the reason why I'm standing here today. I know that you are not prefect. You made mistake in parenting and I have no ill feelings about that. All I'm trying to say is that for once you believe me. For once you won't let that shady past overcome the truth. Just believe me dad. And I promise I'll give you a proof. I'll have Aarav tell you. I'll have him show you pictures of-"
I was cut off mid sentence when my dad hugged me abruptly.
MY DAD HUGGED ME! He took me in his arms like I was a baby and ran his hands on the back of my head. The tears didn't stop this time. I quickly hugged him back, holding on to him like my life dependant on it.

"I'm sorry. We are sorry. Baby. You are my baby girl. You were always wanted Kiara. Probably not planned. But definitely wanted."
Dad begun saying. "I love you. Mom loves you. Maybe we didn't know how to treat a child. We never had a stable home Kiara. You know that. Niether your mom nor me."

That I knew of. Mom was orphan. I admire how she made herself from nothing. Dad grew up with emotionless, and a very resentful grandad.
Some times I wonder that how much our upbringing affect us. How one mistake that our parents make might affect our lives for the rest of our lives.

"We are sorry for making you feel unwanted. We are sorry for giving you insecurities. You have to know Kiara you are beautiful, inside out." Dad pulled away and took my face in his hands. I felt so small. "Sorry for everything. I won't ask why you never said all of this to me before because I already know Kiara. I saw the chanhe in you when I came back. I saw how you had totally retreated into yourself. I never knew you were so sad inside. But now, now I want to make it up to you. Come back home with me. Let's rebuild this relationship. Lets give each other a chance to build trust and make up for all the lost years."
Dad wiped at my cheeks as I smiled. Of course I wanted to do this. Of course I want to have my family with me.
Dad leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead. That's a first.

But all hell broke down when the front foor swung opened. What a timming?! Am I in a fucking daily soap?
"Ansh, I think she has it handled you are going to ruin it!"
Preeti.
"Kiara!"
Ansh.

...