A GIRL LIKE YOU

57

The knock on the door jolted me out of my sleepy haze. Its 12 in the night on a Wednesday. Who the hell could it be?
I got out of my bed, rubbed my eyes and checked through the hole. Its Ansh.
Finally.
I swung the door open and stepped back. Ansh looked at me and searched my face. If he is looking for a reaction from me right away, he is not going to get one. I've had a whole week to prepare myself for this day. I won't react until he gives me a reason to. He eyed me and entered before I shut the door.
I turned to look at him but he was already on me as he pinned me to the door and kissed me hungrily.
I kissed him back, hugging him closer to me. I love him. I missed him.
He released my mouth and placed open mouthed kisses on my neck. That's when I stiffened.
What am I? A booty call? He left me crying for a week and then he comes back and thinks that he is just going to take whatever he wants? Like I have no respect or self worth? Like I won't stop him? What does he think? That he doesn't have to give a explanation?
As much as I wanted his mouth on me, I still resisted him and put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. He looked at my face and breathed, "I missed you."
Oh, did you? I don't think so.
I did not answer him and moved away from him. I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked away from him and to the kitchen counter.
"You want some coffee?" I asked, still not looking at him.
"No. I don't have much time. I have to get back in an hour."
I turned so fast, I almost gave myself a whiplash.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I had to make an excuse with Aarav to come see you. He hasn't left my side all week long and I missed you. So I had to lie to him so I could see you."
Fuck this. Enough is enough. I can't do this anymore. I'm not pretending anymore. He helped me get my old self back and now he is going to see her tell him off. I am done being good and a doormat.
The anger, the hurt and the bitterness brewed at the top of my lungs and burst out.
"You still haven't told him!" I said louder that I meant for it to come out. It wasn't a question. It was an observation.
Ansh looked put out by my reaction. He took a few hesitant steps towards me.
"Kiara, don't be mad. I already told you, I can't tell him now. He is hurt."
"He is hurt. And what about me?"
"What about you?"
Oh. So it turns out Ansh is oblivious and stupid like that 90 percent of male population. Of course he is.
"I get it that you have to be with Aarav. That he is hurt and alone and you don't want him to feel betrayed by you. But don't you think its been long enough. One week, Ansh. You've been AWOL. And then you come here hoping to get laid!"
"Kiara I came because I missed you. I didn't contact you because my friend needed me. Don't make it something it's not. Put yourself in my shoes and then tell me, what you would've done if you were at my place?"
"I've tried to understand others all my life. For once, I want someone to understand me."
"Kiara.."
"No Ansh, why don't you put yourself in my shoes? Tell me how would you feel if I ghosted out on you after texting you every hour of everyday. If I knew that you are upset and hurt and I still wouldn't make any effort to come see you. How would you fucking feel if after all that, I came at your home and pretended that nothing happened and that it's not about you."
My voice cracked on the last words and turned away from him. I'm not crying in front of him.
I stood there trying to calm myself as I waited for Ansh to come and wrao his arms around me and tell me he is sorry. Instead, what came was totally unexpected amd hurt like hell.
"You are selfish." Ansh said. I turned and looked at him. He is angry.
"What?!"
Ansh walked and stooped right in front of me.
"You are fucking selfish Kiara. This isn't about you. Don't make every fucking thing about yourself. It was not about you when your parents didn't want you but you were born anyways."
I flinched at his words like he had slapped me. "It was not about you when they were unable to give you the love and attention you wanted. It was not about you and you let that affect yourself, killed a person in the process and got insecure about yourself. And I can't keep trying to fix you when you wouldn't do that for yourself. When you wouldn't stop making everything about yourself."
I just stood there as his words ripped open my skin and crawled right to my heart and stab tiny pins into it.
"Aarav is hurt. He is my best friend. He's been there for me, always. I want to be there for him. I'll tell him when I feel the time is right. It's not about you, you hear me. The world doesn't revolve around you. Stop being selfish and for once look around yourself. There are other people going through way bigger shit than you are."
The lump in my throat grew bigger. I just wanted to break and cry my heart out.
"Stop being a damsel in distress. A girl who nobody loves. Stop playing a victim. Stop pitying on yourself and start loving yourself.  Cause If you don't love yourself how do you expect someone else to do the same?"
Ansh softened at the last words. His hands came to my shoulder and squeezed them lightly as he pulled me in for a hug.
Before he could do just that, I brushed his hands off me and stepped back.
"Get out." I told him.
He looked at me with hurt. Wow.
"Kiara, what I just said, I didn't mean it in in a negative way. I just want you to see that I love you and this is not about you. So stop doubting our relationship and my love for you."
"I want you to get the hell out of here. I don't wanna see your face." I said to him.
"Kiara listen to me..."
"GET OUT!"
He stood there and stared at me for a few minutes, before he cursed and walked out of the door and slammed it shut on his way.
I broke apart as soon as he was gone. I cried on the floor. I cried because the one person I wanted the most to understand me thinks that I am selfish. I cried because I just told him to get out when I needed him to hold me. I cried because I understood that guys like Ansh don't want to spend their lives fixing girls like me. I cried because the relationship I needed to last forever was indeed short lived like I expected. I cried because I lost the boy I loved only because I thought I was not good enough for him.
I cried because he was right. I can't expect him to love me when I wouldn't love myself. The sad part is that I don't even know how to love myself.

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