A GIRL LIKE YOU

58

I've spend my days at home and hiding out from everyone and trying to get my shit together. I called in sick at work.
I stopped crying on sunday and started telling myself to not mess up with my head over a boy. Easier said than done.

I ignored all hundered calls from him, Aanya and even mom.
Its about time now. I have to go back to work tomorrow, go see mom and Aaliyah and end this once and for all with Ansh. But before that, I have to see what he has said in the texts.
I don't know why he is even doing this. He made himself clear that day. But then he was calling and texting the next day. He was at my door the day after that. I panicked but didn't open the door. Aaliyah came after that and gave me flowers that Ansh sent for me with a note I threw in the trash without reading because I didn't want to cry. I let Aaliyah hang around and cheer me up but told her not to ask me question or ever bring flowers from my ex boyfriend. I know she was rooting for us. I was rooting for us too.
Nevermind. Life goes one. It has to.
I finally gathered the courage and opened the texts. The tears came back with a vengance as I began reading his texts timmed from the night he left my apartment until yesterday.

I am so so so sorry Kiara. I messed up. I am sorry. I love you. Please pick up my phone.

Hey there. Baby, I miss you so much. Just talk to me once.

Kiara, I can't sleep baby. Just tell me you're okay.

I am at your door. I know you are in there. I can here your phone ringing. Just open your door once. I will make everything okay.

You are not going to forgive me easily. I got it. I am giving you some time.

Kiara I can't do this. I have to see you.

Kiara, nobody has heard from you. Where the hell are you? I'm worried.

Aaliyah told me you didn't read the note I sent with flowers so I am going to have to write the message here.
I hope you call me back in the morning. But if you don't then I just want you to know that I thought about your situation and I realised how bad it must've felt. I realized that I would've been pissed and hurt too if you ghosted out on me after texting me every hour of everyday. If you knew that I am upset and hurt and you still wouldn't make any effort to come see me. I would have felt like shit if after all that, you came at my home and pretended that nothing happened and that it's not about me.
I swear Kiara. I understand you now. Not then, because I was too blind to see what I was doing. I didn't even realise I was putting you second and how that had to hurt after being put second for your entire life.

I don't think you are even reading my texts. But I still want to apologise. Its up to you whether you want to forgive and let me come back in your life or not. But please before you make a decision give me a chance to explain.

No reply. I get it. You need to believe me that I am actually sorry. So here it goes. I played our conversation over and over again in my head. And I realised how I messed up by saying the things in the wrong way. By saying the things that I didn't even mean to say to you.
So here goes, what I actually wanted to say to you and how it came out.

You are not that selfish Kiara. Maybe a little bit, but I love you and accept that part of you. To be honest we all are selfish. I was selfish when I kissed you on the rooftop. I was selfish when I pursuaded you to be with me. I was and am and probably will be selfish for you. You are the kindest, most beautiful and amazing girl I've ever met and I love you so much.

I said that it wasn't about you. And I want to slap myself for not realising that even if it wasn't about you, it affected you in one way or another and I should've understood that instead of losing my cool because I was frustrated. Because I was confused Kiara. I didn't want to hurt my best friend. I didn't want to lose you either.

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for saying that it was not about you when your parents didn't want you. I can't even forgive myself for bringing that up. I have no explanation for what I said, only that I just wanted to get through to you and that I am an asshole.
I saw how you flinched at my words and I still didn't stop. You should've slapped Kiara. I deserved that.

I deserved that after saying that it was not about you when your parents were unable to give you the love and attention you wanted. You should've kicked me in the balls because Kiara I don't know how it must've felt to be ignored for your entire childhood and then have some guy rub it on your face like that.

I am so fucking sorry for saying that you let that affect yourself like it was your fault. Because its not Kiara. It wasn't your fault that night when the accident happened. You were just a kid and it was just a mistake and I want you to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for that night.

I said that I can't keep trying to fix you when you wouldn't do that for yourself. And I want to tell you Kiara that it was true. I want you to love yourself. See, how amazing you are. I want you to shake off all the insecurities as impossible as that sounds. But I also want you to know that I would love you despite all of that. I would love you even when you can't love yourself.

I want you to come see me so that we can tell Aarav together.

I know I said that the world doesn't revolve around you. But trust me when I say that my world does. My world revolves around you Kiara.

I said that, there are other people going through way bigger shit than you are. But I forgot to add that, just because someone has it much worse doesn't change the fact that you have what you have.

You are not a damsel in distress. You are the kind of girl who have the capability to live alone and not need anybody ever.
You are not a girl who nobody loves because I love you with everything I have. You are not playing a victim because you never asked for my help. I offered and you accepted.

I meant it when I said, stop pitying on yourself and start loving yourself. But what I forgot to add is that even If you don't love yourself, I would.

You were right to tell me to get the hell out of there. I knew I messed up right that second and I wanted to erase it but I had to give you some time.

Now I am saying that I understand how it affected you and I meant it when I said that never doubt our relationship and my love for you.

I am not gone, Kiara. This relationship isn't over. I am not giving up on you baby. Relationships are hard and I know that sometimes shit would happen. And we both would suffer but I want you to know that you're worth all of that suffering. Because I want us to last Kiara.

Just give me another chance, give us another chance. I believe in us. I believe we could make it work. We are meant for each other.

I want to hold you in my arms Kiara. I miss the touch of your skin and the feel of your lips. I miss how your body fit perfectly in my hands. I miss the sounds you make when you come. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss touching your hair and how good they smelled. I missed the heavy breaths you took when I was on top of you in the bed. I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss watching wierd movies with you. I miss sleeping with your body cuddled up with mine. I miss every damn thing Kiara.

I would spent my whole life fixing this Kiara. These aren't just words, baby.

You are it for me. Everything I ever needed and everything I ever wanted. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I love you baby. Just give me one more chance.

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