DESTINATION

PALM

"we had a good spark

on the palm of our hands

together, we had electricity

but you still looked

for a different outlet

even when you already have me"

-101318

I know for a fact that there is nothing to do, but this one. I don't want to, but I need to do it. It's really in the palm of my hands, the future, and tomorrow of the both of us. It took me a while, maybe even a month to really think this through. The blood will be on my hands no matter what good I'm doing it for. She won't fully understand why I came to this decision. Sooner or later she might, or maybe even never. She's going to hate me for this, others will probably hate me too. But I have no other choice but to say those words.

We had another fight, probably the millionth time after the disaster that happened a month ago. We were never the same, and we never really worked things out. I decided that we should go see each other and talk about it. What better place to go to but our usual spot, by the bay. Where we watch as the sun fades to oblivion, trading places with the everlasting beauty of the moon, and the stars with images we could barely imagine.

"I'm really sorry" Of all the things I could say, those three words are all I know. My father hated it when I say the word sorry. He told me that my sorry means nothing. But as I get older, I realized that my sorry wasn't the mistake. But the actions I do afterwards. That's why ever since, I only say sorry when I know what to do next to make up for it. But this time, I'm not even sure if the next words, or actions, will be able to clear my objective as to why I said sorry.

"I have to let you go." I said those words as I close my eyes, afraid to see her tears flow in her eyes. As I embraced those few seconds of darkness, flashes of what we used to be, memories where I was still perfect for her and she's perfect to me, moments where we were really together. Those few seconds, it pains me to say it, but it told me that I'm doing the right thing.

She didn't talk, I didn't expect her to. In a way, she was right, I should stop expecting. I don't know. If I stop expecting, it means I'm giving up on it. But this time, I knew what to, and what not to expect. Our hopes and expectations are nothing but black holes and revelations.

She wrapped her arms around me, like it is the last time she ever will, because it probably is. I guess she understood that at that very moment, that it's really the end of us. Her tears flooded on my shirt, as mine kisses her hair. I know that she regrets what happened, but there's nothing else I could do. I tried to forgive her, but it was the last straw that pushed me back to the dark places I never knew will be my home again.

I hate it when she cries, and this time, I'm falling apart even when she's holding me close. Back then, when she gives me a hug, all the broken pieces that married the floor seems like a forgotten memory. With a simple hug, she can make me feel better. But this time, I just feel a lot more broken than ever before.

I held her even tighter, for this time, I don't know what words will help her feel better. I know, there probably is no words that will make her feel better after what just happened.

I slowly lifted her head, and gave her a kiss on her forehead. I know that she will hate me, or in some way be disappointed that I gave up on us. Yes, I gave up on us, even when I promised that I never will. But I didn't give up for no reason at all.

I gave up on us, but I will never give up on her. She's my heart, and she'll forever have a special place in me. I gave her everything, and I forgot to leave myself anything at all.

We took our ride home like we used to after a few hours, I managed to somewhat calm her down and even make her smile with some stories and jokes. Her smile is still beautiful, no matter how crooked they are right now.

If only things didn't go the way it did, but it's too late. I decided to let her go, even when I love her so, for it is the only way that she'll be able to bring the best out of her.