DESTINATION

HOLLOW

"this love more than oneself

moments that we failed to comprehend

lost the reason to follow

as deep within is now hollow"

-102118

Last night was where it all began. She started acting out of herself for no reason that I know. I kept on contacting her but she only replies every other 30 minutes. It got into a point that I've been contacting her for more than six hours to no success. She knew that I have to sleep early because I will be out all day with the guys tomorrow. For some reason, I knew that it was a bit harsh on my part, but she needs to know that she isn't the only one that should be understood. I deserved to be understood and considered too. But for some reason, she decided to ignore me all night. The occasional replies didn't help either. She kept on insisting that nothing is wrong, but she's acting like a kid. It reached the point that I can't help but fall asleep. I hated it, and I told her. I really don't want to carry out problems by morning. I want things settled and understood as soon as possible. But this time, I have no other choice but to sleep it out.

Things aren't looking for us for the past couple of weeks, we've been going through the same problems we had since the beginning. And I never thought that it would come to a point like this.

"The hell is wrong with her." I told the guys as I light a cigarette. I know that it is wrong to add another mistake after hers, but I'm really tired of it. The guys were silent, seemingly out of the zone. They don't know what to say to calm me down, that's why they bought me a cigarette, a pack. And I might finish that within just a few hours for crying out loud.

"Hey L, let's not think over it that much okay. Maybe it's a different person who happened to look like her." Migs' response.

"Fuck no man. My girl told me that she followed to make sure of it. She has four eyes man, and she saw it in all of them." June's response with seriousness while cracking a joke to no fanfare.

"You should contact her man. I know you haven't opened your phone for the last couple of hours." said Aeron.

"Man, she deactivated all of her accounts. I tried contacting her friends. And they don't know where the hell she is. I can't even call her. She's unavailable."

We decided to forget it and move on to lighter topics. They know it is impossible for me to forget them, but they're trying to cheer me up and eventually we decided to call it a night.

I went home, smoking yet again. I decided to open my phone and listen to Burning in the Skies by Linkin Park. I noticed that I burned ten cigarettes in the past couple of hours. It really is the worst time right now. With all the struggles that we've had, she decided to just do such thing. I got to contact her before 1 in the morning and I decided to end it all right there.

It was true that she was with another guy while I was out. She kept on trying to tell me that it wasn't that serious, that the guy knows his limits. She just can't go on alone for she might not be able to control what she'll do. She kept insisting for me to listen to her part. For the first time in a while, it was her doing all the talking as I kept silent. She kept insisting that she doesn't want to bother me while I'm having a good time that's why she tried to handle it on her own. What a way to handle things, eh? I lost my respect for her in that. Of all the people, she decided to go out with some guy she barely knew. She could've been out with her best friends, but she chose that guy. That guy who has interest on her. I decided to hang up after ten minutes, after she's done explain herself while she was crying. Back then, even though it's her fault, I make sure that she wouldn't cry. But this empty feeling lead me to do nothing about it. At that moment, I lost all the care and love I used to freely give her.

And fast forward to now, I still love her. But it wasn't as pure or complete as before. It is a hollow emotion that I could barely comprehend. I still don't understand as to why such thing ever happened to me. I gave her all I got, and at a day that she kept insisting that she needed me the most, she didn't even fully consider my emotions, my reaction, and everything that I was.

It's funny how we lose ourselves when all we can see is monochrome. I thought I was the light that will burst colors in her eyes during times like that, but just like who I was before her, I was nothing but a hollow image.

Maybe that is why I can't go on until now. I can't accept the fact that even when I spent all those years giving my best, I was relegated to a consideration, to a choice, instead of a priority.

But fuck it, I might just drop everything soon.