DESTINATION

IMPOSSIBLE

"a lot of things were possible

when we're still together

but today it's all impossible

now that we're not together"

-101618

I think it's almost a hundred days since the day that I told her that we should stop it. It's also the last day that I ever saw her. I don't know if it was on me or whatever. But wherever I go, I can't help the fact but remember everything that we had, every bit of memory, from little things up to memories that are special.

I've been out most nights, barely holding myself together during my classes, to the point that everyone around me tells me to take a break from teaching. There are times that I just sit in a simple bench, and see such small things, like a cute dog wagging its tail. She's a sucker for cute tiny stuff. And now, she's all I see, even when I look at the mirror. I see nothing more but a shadow of who I was when I was with her.

There were a lot of instances that I really felt that we should stop it. And now that it's all over, there are a lot of instances hoping that we never stopped in the first place. No matter how hard I try, I can't even begin again. I can't move forward at all.

It's hard when every street that I walk to, establishments I see while passing by, it triggers a continuous flash of memories, good and bad, driving me into madness that I can't afford anyone to see.

That's why I've been trying to avoid all the things and places that we have memories together, or everything that reminds me of her. I even stopped going to my favourite 7-Eleven in the middle of ASEANA city for that very reason. But I know that if that's the case, I have to avoid everything there is entirely. For every bit of this vast universe, I once proclaimed that it was her, no matter what.

That's why I'm here, for the very reason that sooner or later I have to face all this. I'm drinking the same old coffee, which is probably cold by now. I always order a hot one, and I let it get warmer for like 20 minutes before I even take a sip. I brought a book with me, Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I started reading it just last week, and with my usual reading style, I have Coldplay's Parachutes playing in my ears.

The problem with this is that even if I'm really invested to these pages, I get sucked out of my zone every time I read a word or phrase related to love. I'm pretty sure that I'm over reacting to things, but I can't help but over think about everything. If it wasn't for my past traumas, it would've been much easier for me to find peace.

That is why I started smoking and wearing my headphones on wherever I go. I just wanted to silence the voices inside my head that I could barely control. This is one of the hardest things to explain to anyone. Even she struggled to understand it before. Most people think that I'm a good for nothing human being. Who is also an eccentric, alienated chain-smoker.

I started reading to give me a little bit of peace and to be taken to another reality. This is also one of the reasons why I am a geek for movies. Every time that I just hate everything that's going on, I just go to a reality that is far from my own. But just like what we had, these books and movies have an ending. But our ending may be the most impactful ending I have ever witnessed.

I used to be an extroverted kid living with no fear in his mind and a smile that travels to the people around him. But ever since I got kicked out of our house when I was thirteen, I never went home the same again. I was lost. I don't know where to go, no money, no phone, nothing at all. If I didn't decide to go to the church by Eleven midnight of that day, my life would've been completely different to what it is now.

I thought that, I really lost my sanity back then. That I will always be afraid of what others might think about me, until she came to my life and proved me all wrong. I thought it was impossible to find peace ever again, but she was there. She was my peace. Calming the typhoons inside of my head, and taking every piece of pain that no one ever knew but her.

But it's all different now, I'm all alone again. Losing my sanity, as I barely even fight this battle that I know I couldn't win. I'm on my own, in this amazing wind tonight, feeling the breeze of joy from those who are around me. I took a glimpse and I smiled shortly. I was supposed to read these pages, but I was lost in my thoughts of her, of us, and our broken trust. And I can't help it anymore, as I watch as a page catch the tears I've been trying to hide to everyone.