DESTINATION

SPARKLE

"living life in the dark

with a vision stuck in monochrome

until a sparkle started a spark

lightening up the road back home"

-102418

Just like that, all the positivity that I waited to garner for so long, gone in the wind. I don't know what to do, everything is a mess. I can't stop the wounds that are crying within me. All this time, I alienated myself from every bit of silver dust floating with the wind. Until she came, a glowing light of life that I never thought would ever stumble upon someone like me.

I kept all my emotions and feeling deep within me, because I have nowhere else to put them. And I had no other choice but to do all the things that I never wanted to do again. I went back to the same dark place that I was married to before I met her. But this time, the darkness showed a reflection of the man that I was and the man that I wanted to be. My head has been swimming in thoughts that are over the other side of life for countless number of hours, days, and even months, leading me to the point of choosing to burn stick after stick, to give me the slow suicide that I think I deserve.

I went outside after hours of just staring blankly to the ceiling of my room. Searching for something, something that might help me find a way out of all the guilt and hatred that I bestowed upon everything that I see, everything that I think, and everything that I feel.

I bought a cigarette and decided to smoke and listen to "Secrets" by One Republic.

And just like that, just like that. A tear slowly finds a way out of my right eye and swim its way over my cheek, followed by another, and another, as a river of lies slowly left my body.

I realized that I've been lying to myself all this time. Not because I'm afraid for them to see that I'm vulnerable, but because of my fear of the reality, that I chose to walk all alone. I alienated myself, to the point that I forgot those people who are still there taking care of me no matter how bad I push them away. I brought myself all this guilt and hatred upon myself because I still love her no matter what hell we've been through, and the fact that I can't and I don't want to hate her. But I can't hold on to it any longer, it's all over for us. Maybe, someway, somehow, we will come to a day that we will be looking at those days with a smile, and without an inch of pain in our hearts.

I love her, still. And that love told me to set her free, for that is the only way we could ever find ourselves. We were not meant to be together no matter how many times we try. But I won't forget her, I will always love her, and I will carry on with our memories that I'll always treasure.