ғɪɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ - 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐬

010. evan

c.murphreak
shit
sorry about that im a lightweight and you were the first person in my dms

Evan.Hansen
It's okay

Seen

Almost robotically, Evan's fingers quickly tapped the letters on the screen, and without thinking, he sent another message before he had the chance to realize he had even typed anything. The message floated into the conversation.

Evan.Hansen
Wait, I was the first person?

Wait, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

What was he doing? God, Connor didn't want to talk to him! He had only bothered to send Evan an apology because he didn't want Evan to think they were that kind of acquaintances that could regularly strike up a conversation out of the blue. Wait a second, could he even call them acquaintances? Actually, don't wait a second, because Evan had already wasted, like, two seconds frozen in panic.

The problem was that Evan's mind worked slowly at times, while the world around him worked very, very fast. Time often seemed to stop, but usually only for a moment.

Evan got quite some reading done over the summer, and he had noticed that, sometimes, a character would have "a million thoughts racing through their head." Evan could halfway relate; a million thoughts did go through his head, except they trudged by at a slow pace. In many short moments of panic, Evan felt like time had stopped and he was trapped. Everything was just too slow.

At times, time felt too fast. There were the happy times, like when Evan talked to his dad on the phone. Even though his dad slowly stopped asking about the next time Evan would visit and began to focus more on the topic of his kids, Evan loved those phone calls. They seemed to go by so fast. When was the last time his dad called?

Time also felt too fast in the bad times. Like when Evan couldn't breathe because a waiter asked for his order and his throat tightened up and he and his mom had to leave because he was crying and shaking so hard and he couldn't even form a single thought in his head. He couldn't think, he couldn't grasp onto anything, and he hated it. Heidi took Evan home, reminded Evan to take his meds, and ordered pizza instead.

Time felt too slow in panic, and time felt too fast in panic. Evan couldn't beat it. The damn system was rigged. Why couldn't he just be normal?

Time released Evan from its grasp. Only a second had passed.

Evan's eyes darted upwards, searching for the green dot indicating that Connor was active. Please don't be online, please don't be online—

Shit, okay, he's online.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, CRAP.

Delete it. Just delete it!

Evan's jammed his thumb onto the message and held it down. Just as the options to "Unsend Message" or "Copy Text" appeared on the screen, so did the "Read" beneath his message.

Evan.Hansen
Wait, I was the first person?

Seen

c.murphreak
you say that as if i have friends and more than 42 followers

Evan.Hansen
That's a lot of fans

c.murphreak
well 95% of them are probably bots

Evan.Hansen
Oh...
Sorry

c.murphreak
what are you sorry for this time

Evan.Hansen
I dunno, I thought you'd be upset I reminded you of that

c.murphreak
who actually cares about how many followers they have

Evan.Hansen
Umm, a lot of people actually...

c.murphreak
i write for my enjoyment
not to please others

Evan.Hansen
I enjoy your poetry

c.murphreak
thanks

Evan.Hansen
Yeah

c.murphreak
do you write?

Evan.Hansen
Yeah but mostly essays
My mom has a lot of scholarship essays she's having me do.

c.murphreak
cool

Evan didn't know how to respond without ending the conversation.

Evan.Hansen
I'm sorry for bothering you, I'll leave you alone now.

c.murphreak
youre not bothering me
in case youve forgotten i texted u while drunk

Evan.Hansen
Oh
But that's different

c.murphreak
how

Evan.Hansen
You didn't do it willingly

c.murphreak
i mean i guess
i kimd of just couldn't control it
fuck *kind
not because i drank or whatever
i dont tell shit to people bc they just think im a freak
so it just builds up until idk

Evan.Hansen
Until you break?

c.murphreak
yeah.
exactly

Evan.Hansen
Umm well you can talk to me when you need it

c.murphreak
idk
but thanks
poetry is usually my outlet but its actually kind of nice to talk to someone
sry for venting a bit i think im just not used to people not hating me

Evan.Hansen
Of course.

c.murphreak
but if you tell anyone about this im literally going to kill you

Evan.Hansen
I promise I won't. No friends, remember?

c.murphreak
you can have one if you want

Evan.Hansen
Huh?

c.murphreak
lmao this sounds so stupid but do u want to be my friend

Evan.Hansen
Sounds good

c.murphreak
ok

Evan kept the emotion out of his message, but his face said it all when the corners of his mouth lifted up into a huge grin—teeth and all.

—

evan: yeah connor and i were best friends

everyone: why the fuck you lyin

absolutely everyone: why you always lyin

literally everyone: mMm oH my gOd

everyone as a whole, not discluding a single soul: stop fUCKING lyin

hey i'm sorry i feel like i made this chapter a bit too long compared to my other chapters. i finished all my exams so i had some free periods to write.