ғɪɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ - 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐬

0.17 evan

4:02 A.M.

The numbers at the top of his phone taunted Evan's raw eyes, the bright screen ruining them even more. Exhaustion begged him to sleep, but the horrible restless—jumpy, shaky?—feeling had Evan in shackles. Evan stared at his phone, switching every minute from Instagram to Reddit, Instagram to Reddit. He did nothing but stare at the home pages. What was he to do? He needed something to occupy his mind. But the shaking of his hands pulled his head out of any distraction he found.

Embarrassment attached itself to him, a string on each of his limbs.

Wait

Evan dropped his phone and made some sort of strangled noise. He picked it up cautiously, attempting a breathing technique he had learned a while back. Four. Six. Eight.

?

Evan whimpered. The lump growing in his throat opened the door for tears. He put his phone down, trying to calm himself down before he lost control of his emotions. He's been able to keep it in for hours until now. Four. Six. Eight. Four. Six. Eight. Four... Four...

Nevermind.

"Stupid, ugly freak. Everyone fucking hates you," Evan whispered quickly. He slapped his face so it stung as his threshold reached its limit and his tears dropped pathetically. Evan swiped at his cheeks, half-trying to get rid of his tears. Breathe, breathe.

He couldn't control some things, like how his tears and words spilled out rapidly. Evan didn't really tell people—like, his mom and his therapist—about some things he did. They knew the basics of what would happen. His mom especially knew because she had to helplessly tend to Evan countless times. But they didn't know of the terrible habits he did when he was alone and a mess.

They were all out of his control. He hit himself when a bad thought entered his mind as if he were trying to shake it out. He spat swears to himself when he remembered something embarrassing. He was his own tormentor.

"Help me," Evan gasped.

He gripped his hair, then his phone. Evan's fingers shakily brought him into Instagram. He went into his DMs, immediately spying Zoe's DM underneath Jared's, the most recent conversation.

"Please," Evan whispered, his voice similar to that of a toad's. "It hurts."

Beneath Zoe's DM sat Connor's. The green dot next to Connor's profile picture caught Evan's eye immediately.

Evan silently pleaded for Connor to message him. He didn't know why he depended on Connor so much. Evan just... had a weird feeling that Connor would understand him better than anyone else would.

He didn't know how much time passed while he sat there, waiting. It was one of those times when time felt warped and nothing made sense. Well, nothing ever made sense. But right now reality was very far away. Evan reached for it, extending his arms, while the world was a speck in the distance.

"Annoying, stop it," Evan hissed to himself. He didn't listen to himself. His chest burned like it was on fire. Evan was scared. Was he going to die?

Evan.Hansen

Hi

Evan swore at himself.

c.murphreak
uh hey
wait why are u up still it's like four something lmao

Thank God, he replied. Evan stared at their messages, not really knowing what to say. It was enough to keep him somewhat grounded for now.

c.murphreak
nvm time zones

Evan shook, crying pathetically. He watched his screen, relieved that there was someone with one hand holding onto reality and another holding onto his.

c.murprheak
??

Say something. Don't let this end like Zoe.

Evan.Hansen

Yeah

Evan couldn't manage to put anything more than that.

c.murphreak
what

Evan.Hansen

Sorry

c.murphreak
what
for what

Evan.Hansen

Bothering yuo

c.murphreak
you're not
i can't sleep anyway

Evan.Hansen

Sorry just

Anxiety attack

Worse than usual

c.murphreak
do you want me to just talk?

Evan.Hansen

Yes

Please

c.murphreak
i cope by writing
imagine the picture perfect afternoon
it's end of may or early june
driving along the winding country road
you're in the passenger seat
a friend driving
and end up at an open field, framed with trees
you sit down and just talk about anything
everything
quoting songs by your favorite bands
telling inside jokes
and you're happy
and you take in the view
looking up
all you see is sky
its blue reaching beyond the horizon, submerging the earth like wrapping paper
it goes on for forever
you walk along the grass to nowhere in particular
talk about things that matter to only you two
what kind of book he wants to write
what trails you want to hike
the things that you'll do after school
the places you'll go
but there's nowhere else you'd rather be
you admire the speckles of sunlight peeking through the leaves
he runs towards a lone tree
you follow him across the yellow field
you run
and run
then climb
and climb
one foot after the other
one branch then to another
until you emerge from its canopy
the entire sun shining on your face
warm
good
he's below you, making his way towards the top
we sit there
basking in the afternoon glow
you want things to be like that forever
everything is okay

Evan laid back onto his pillow, not bothering to wipe his drying tears. It hurt less now, which was a good thing. These things usually wiped the energy out of him. The exhaustion he had been ignoring was creeping into his body. It had subsided enough for him to handle on his own now. He was finally ready to give in to sleep.

Evan.Hansen

Thank you

Just as his phone gave a little chime, Evan closed his eyes.

_

two (tree)bros sittin in a hot tub

five feet apart because of S O C I A L  D I S T A N C I N G

how have y'all been doing?

updates about me that nobody cares about:

- my cat's birthday is in a week :) he's turning two

- we're streaming my cancelled play over google meets lol

- been playing animal crossing

- can someone tell me why are people thirsting over tanuki dick

- i won't judge