ғɪɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ - 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐬

024. connor

Connor gripped his right hand tightly in his left. He kept his eyes on the trees along the sidewalk as Zoe drove them home. By maintaining his intense glare, Connor hoped his faux anger could mask his mortification, but his hands would not stop shaking.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!

Miguel must have gotten a job at Starbucks after he and Connor broke... stopped talking. All the memories Connor had suppressed came flooding back into his head, poisoning and staining his brain. It was one thing to see Miguel, but it was another thing to react the way Connor had.

"Connor?" Miguel had asked, his eyebrows knitting together. There was no trace of accusation or aggression in his tone, but instead only confusion and... a hint of hopefulness. Connor knew Miguel deserved answers, and he knew he wasn't mad. The occasional comment the latter left on the former's Instagram posts proved it. Connor just wasn't ready. He couldn't face him. Not now. Not in front of those strangers—not in front of Zoe.

Connor remembered how dry his mouth suddenly became. How terrified he was. His eyes had darted to his sister's, and for a moment, Zoe's gaze softened. Taking advantage of the opportunity, Connor grabbed Zoe's arm and bolted out the door, ignoring Zoe's shouts of protest and the strangers' exclamations of alarm.

"Connor! Connor, stop, you're hurting me!" Zoe borderline yelled, but Connor's grip on her arm only tightened. Knowing she would never make a scene, Connor didn't stop running until they reached the car. He never should have agreed to come there after school.

When they were close enough to the vehicle, Connor let go of Zoe and she immediately brought her hand up to rub her arm. Turning away from her (partly to hide his red face), Connor walked to the passenger side with his gaze locked on the floor.

"What the fuck was that?" Zoe seethed. "I can't believe you. You couldn't just—you—you had to drag me into whatever the hell that—no, you physically dragged me!"

Connor grunted, his eyes narrowing as they shot up to meet Zoe's. The Murphy siblings glared at each other over the car roof.

"Who was that," Zoe demanded. "What, your drug dealer?"

"Just get in the car," Connor grumbled, reaching for the door handle. But the car chirped and the doors locked. A wild fire in his eyes, Connor's head shot up to look at Zoe once more.

"No. No. You're telling me what that—who that was—"

"JUST GET IN THE CAR!" Connor shouted, bringing his fist down onto the car roof, shaking the entire vehicle.

A beat.

Zoe finally obliged, unlocking the car and quietly slipping into the driver's seat. His breathing ragged, Connor watched Zoe close the door behind her. For a long moment, Connor stood unmoving, staring at his fist on the roof. The image of Zoe immediately shutting up once the words left his lips replayed in his head. Fuck. Why was he like this?

Now there was no music playing on the radio. The only noise drowning out the silence was the slight rumble of the car driving along the road—until Zoe sighed softly from Connor's left. His head still angled to face out the window, Connor glanced at Zoe from the corners of his eyes. Her hands gripped the wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white. Although on the wheel, they still managed to shake. Huh. She and him both.

Connor grew annoyed at Zoe's shaking. She technically wasn't supposed to be driving right now. Connor technically wasn't an adult yet. He'd be fucked if she got them into an accident. Zoe would cry her sob story and their parents would blame him. If they got into an accident, Connor hoped he died.

"Stop shaking," Connor grumbled, his voice coming out raspier than he wanted.

"You—you have no right to—why do you have to—just—just shut up," Zoe choked out, frustration dowsing her tone. Connor's frown deepened. She sounded like she was about to cry.

A couple of rain droplets dropped on the windshield. Slowly, more and more fell until the pitter patter of the rain and the subtle squeak of the windshield wipers drowned out the rumble of the car.

Connor remembered when things were okay. When he would tape a bandaid on his sister's knee when she fell. But that was a long time ago. Maybe in another universe where he wasn't such a fuck-up, things would still be okay.

Now Zoe was terrified of him. Connor wondered why he kept pushing her away. He didn't want this.

Zoe opened her mouth, her breathing uneven, "When Mom and Dad—"

"I don't fucking care."

Then Zoe sniffled. Connor hated it. He hated her. Stop fucking crying. Stop crying. Please stop crying. Please. He hated seeing her cry. He hated himself.

Zoe's voice echoed in his head. "Who was that?"

He wished he could tell her. Connor... wished they never fell apart. Why couldn't he just open his mouth? Speak. SPEAK, dammit!

"That..." Connor mumbled, "that was someone from the past."

Zoe didn't say anything. She reached over and turned the volume knob on the radio so that the silence wasn't so deafening. For the rest of the car ride, Zoe's sniffles accompanied the songs on the radio until they finally died out.

When Zoe parked the car in the garage, she turned off the engine, wiped her eyes on her sleeve, and left the car immediately. Connor didn't move for a long time, staring blankly ahead of him at the frozen windshield wipers.

Finally exiting the car, Connor shoved his hands into the pockets of his dark hoodie, bracing himself for his father's outrage. To his confusion, when Connor stepped into the house, his father sat reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, his mother stood preparing dinner in the kitchen, and Zoe was nowhere to be seen.

Connor wearily walked up to his bedroom. For the first time in a while, it was a very quiet night in the Murphy household.

—

connor: yo dumbass get over here

miguel: ok

evan: i'm coming hehehe~

miguel:

miguel: i thought... i was dumbass :(

slightly shorter i think idk

so sorry this is a bit late

わたし は かなり いっそがしい です esp since my finals are coming up :o(

i'll try to make the next one longer to make up for it!!