Saviour. 》 g.d.

18; No more sorrys

I took another glance at the simple, black-and-white clock on the wall, the third time in the past five minutes. It was, still, 2 pm. I bit down on my lip, and rested my eyes back on my hands, folded and out on the table. I sat in the visitor's room of the hospital I was temporarily staying at, waiting for my company. They were supposed to arrive at 2 pm, but I figured they'd run into some LA traffic. The twins were coming over, for the first time since I'd been put in here, which was three days ago now. My mother had been allowed to visit me on the daily, but my therapist said it would be better if the boys stayed away for a few days, as I recovered, so as not to be confronted with any bad feelings or memories.

To say that I was nervous was a gigantic understatement. All I really had been able to think about these past few days in here, were them, and Grayson primarily. I couldn't believe what had happened. I barely even remembered it. It was like I blacked out, after I'd seen, or at least thought I'd seen, Jason's face in the crowd at Redondo Beach. It triggered some dark memories and emotions to bubble up.

Apparently, right after I'd spotted his face, I'd started freaking out and pushing away anyone that came near me or touched me. I'd kicked a few people in the gut, punched as well, and one of the unlucky ones was Grayson. They told me I had kicked him so hard, that he'd fallen back on the pavement and snapped his wrist.

I'd started crying as soon as I heard about it. These boys had given me so much, and I was putting them through so much shit. They truly didn't deserve to have someone like me to come into their lives and make a bloody mess of it. I could barely even face them anymore, but I knew I had to step up and make amends. I'd done too much damage. I had to apologize.

I heard my name being called, and instantly I shot up to my feet. There were some more people in the visitor's room. Overall, it was a quite pleasant room. A lot of white, some bookshelves, plants. No dangerous objects. Very simplistic, Scandinavian furniture.

Two boys walked towards where I was standing, and I slowly looked up at them and met their eyes. Tears erupted in my eyes when I saw them, their worried, awkward expressions. I wouldn't know how to act either.

'Hey,' I breathed, walking around the table and towards them, to embrace them in a hug. Ethan first, since he was the one that took the least amount of guts to hug. I saw Grayson over Ethan's shoulder, his arms hidden behind his back, probably on purpose. 'Hey, Shay.' Ethan greeted warmly, and then let me go so I could walk over to Grayson. I had trouble making eye contact with him. Nonetheless, he hugged me surefootedly and without hesitation. My heart swelled up as our hug lasted a little longer. I really didn't want to let go yet, as it felt so good to have his arms around me, almost in a forgiving way. But I forced myself to break the hug, and we settled down around the table.

Habitually, I wanted to start with 'sorry', but I quickly remembered an exercise that my therapist had given me, which meant not apologizing so much and instead, building a more positive sentence.

'Thank you guys, for coming. It means a lot. You didn't hav-' I cleared my throat, and corrected myself. 'Thank you.' I clenched my jaw, fiddling my fingers. 'Of course, Shay. We would've come sooner, but we... couldn't.' Ethan chuckled. 'But that's understandable.' Grayson added, scratching his arm nervously.

An uneasy silence hung in the air surrounding us. It was almost like we didn't know what to say, like we all ran out of words. However, it was really the opposite. There was so much to talk about and so much that had to be cleared up, but none of us knew where to start or even how to start.

'How uhm... are you doing? You look better, if I'm not wrong for saying that.' Grayson said to me, studying me. I shifted in my seat and nodded my head. 'No, yeah, I've, uhh.. been getting, help.' I said, like it was a toxic word. 'help'. I glanced at Grayson's hand, which he had placed on the table, finally. His left wrist and part of his hand were wrapped and bandaged.