My Alluring Indiscretion

Chapter 42- Stuck

Playlist for this chapter:

'All to well' by Taylor Swift

'Possibility' by Lykke Li

'I Miss You' by Grey ft Bahari

'Bed Of Lies' by Nicki Minaj ft Skylar Grey

'Don't Wanna Be Your Girl' by Wet

                           🔸🔹🔸🔹🔸

Was it possible to walk through life emotionless. I could be walking on pins and still feel indifferent. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to cry the pain away, but I couldn't. I tried but the tears never came.

I can't even remember the time. That time. No matter how much I tried to replay our last moment, I just couldn't remember it. Did he feel bad? Did he cry even a little? Did I mean anything to him? Somehow I kept going over and over every little detail. Trying to understand where I'd gone wrong. If it was me who was to blame. If it was me who failed.

I didn't even bother looking up. I was just walking carelessly as the background noise guided my movements. I didn't even look up when I was stopped or searched or asked questions. My senses were dull and my pain was making the hole in my chest unbearable.

"We're landing sweetie" I hear my father speak but I don't acknowledge him. I can't even acknowledge myself. How could I have sight and yet not be seeing anything. How would I overcome these treacherous waters and still come out whole when all I felt was empty. The breeze was cold but not colder than his heart. The sky was bright unlike my hopes will ever be.

'Do you want me to fucking spell it out for you. I don't want to be with you. Just get out'

I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't what he needed. I always argued with him. I always challenged him and I always doubted his actions. I was too suspicious, if I had only given him some space. I pushed him away, away from me.

'I'm sick and tired of being with you. You're dead weight to me. I don't give a shit about you, I never have, so just leave cause I don't want to be with you, you're useless to me'

Dead weight. I was useless to him. For him, I represented the corner of a table that you always stub your toe with. The corner that was always at the receiving end of curses. He doesn't give a shit about me. He never has. He never did. Was it all my fault?

'So spare me and fucking leave because if I have to be with you for one more second I'll shoot myself in the head'

Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. I left. I left with my respect lying on that kitchen floor for him to stomp on. I left with no self worth. I left with nothing to take and everything I had lost. I left holding the broken pieces in my hand with no way of joining them together.

"Emma" I heard a faint whisper. "Emma" it called out again but I couldn't look up, I was ashamed, so lost. "Emma" I hear again with hurried footsteps approaching me. Hallow from the inside out I look up. My mother ran towards me at the brim of tears. A new wave of emotions surged through me. In the middle of this blinding fog, I saw my mother. I needed something, anything of my past to hold onto. Anything that would help me keep my sanity. Anything that would symbolise my rough past.

"Mommy" I cried out. Her arms wrapped around me. The soft material of her blouse warm and comforting. I let the tears come. And they did, unabashed and heavy. I weeped crying into her bosom as she held me tightly. She kept me close till there were no tears and only hiccups. Soothing me with every stroke that brushed my hair.

"I'm so sorry my baby girl" her trembling voice spoke. Almost unrecognisable. "I'm so sorry" she apologised again, kissing the top of my head. Unwittingly I accepted her love and I bore into her, needing her warmth to envelop me and make me forget.