My Alluring Indiscretion

Chapter 46- Damned

Since it's been ages since I last updated, here's a recap of sorts:

Emma goes back to New York for a fashion show and sees Leo unexpectedly. Rather than going AHHHHHH! She kills him with words like the boss lady she is.

We also get a flashback scene telling us why Leo did what he did A.k.A break Emma's heart (it was because of Phoenix Lancaster's threats).

ENJOY!

"i love you" by Billie Eilish

Emma's PoV

It's weird but I didn't feel triumphant. I conveyed the exact message I wanted to. That I didn't give a hoot about Leo anymore. And yet after I told him everything I was dying to say I was still falling into the nothingness of my hallow void.

I couldn't ride the high of hurting him for long and giving him a piece of what he deserved didn't justify my struggle.

It was Christmas Eve and the only thing I was happy for was the distraction. Christmas planned a clever ruse, stuffing so much information into my mind that I couldn't ponder over one particular thing. I was always alone with my thoughts and I wasn't going to leave an opportunity to get away from them.

"What do I have to do to get on the naughty list. Do it in public. Check" I mentally eye roll at Elliot's vulgar choice of words.

"Learn the grammar of silence you moron" Jordan smacks him on his head. Their usually quibbling off on a strong start. It was strange but even Jordan and Ellie's craziness couldn't sway my mind from the fact that I had met Leo.

Although it was for a brief five minutes I had seen his face and heard his voice. And now, I had a new memory of him to occupy my thoughts.

I was conflicted. I loved every second of seeing him and yet meeting him meant opening new doors and windows to be haunted by his memory. It meant struggle with those same old wounds, only now with a vengeance.

I loved every second of telling him off. To make him suffer under my unforgiving gaze but somehow I was the one left with guilt. I felt worse than ever. The old veil of new shame took over me. I thought shame be damned but then again I was already damned.

I had got my last word. I got a say. And yet I still wanted to say more. To let him feel even a pinch of the misery I felt. Was it possible to hate someone and still be unconditionally in love with them. To hate someone's face and yet search the ends of the world to get a glimpse of them. To feel nothing but everything around them.

I just wanted it to be over. I was ready to do whatever it takes to get over him. To forget him. But then again I was liar.

25th December morning

Gifts were exchanged in Christmas nightwear. Laughs and drinks were all one saw and I too let out the occasional laugh. It wouldn't last any longer than it was over. We had visited the church last night for mass but my mom was on an enlightened spree and she wanted to go to church once again in the morning more than anything.

She wanted to make me happy. She assumed singing and a big feast would do it. But really it was seeing the effort she was putting in that did it for me. I looked down at my cream coloured lace skirt and tugged at the sleeves of my black sweater to hide any nervousness. I was so enthralled with tugging at loose strands that I almost missed my mother's calls.

"Emma, there one more gift. It's an envelope with your name on it" my mom calls me from across the room. I set my glass of orange juice aside and walk up to her. She smiles handing the envelope to me and I return her joyous mood.