Poems,Pictures, and Feelings

When I'm Going back

When i'm going back to my old ways I tend to do the same things

Tend to start the old habits I once had

I get interested by the things I once was interested in

Like writing, or reading

It's an escape

Writing I have control over how the characters feel, I choose their fate, I know the story

I know what happens

But life is so unpredictable

I hate it

One moment i'm cheery and happy the next I feel like sobbing and hiding myself from the world

When i'm going back I start drowning myself in negativity

Thinking of things that are "happening" when they really aren't

Believing it's reality and blaming myself foe whatever bad things happened in my head and therefor punishing myself

Repeating stupid words over and over and over till it eventually becomes numb to my brain

To where it doesn't have an effect

When i'm going back I space out a lot and don't pay attention

My mind is on an endless cycle of believing and not believing 

Or repeating the same phrases over and over

When i'm going back I think poorly of myself

My self esteem immediately drops to a zero

My singing is no longer good

My looks were never "beautiful"

My smarts were never there

I was never amazing

When i'm going back I don't believe anything anyone says

It's all lies

"Beautiful"

"Funny"

My trust issues become more active

When i'm going back I lose all feeling for everything

Just a void of nothingness 

No more laughing 

smiling

When i'm going back I become distant

You won't see me talk that much or contact anyone

When i'm back i'm gone

So sorry I couldn't stay