Love Me Back // Elmax Fanfiction

Chapter 5 ~ Stupid

TW: HOMOPHOBIC SLURS, SELF DEPRECATION

What?
Had Eleven Jane Hopper really just said that she loved me? I was baffled. More than baffled. Did she really like me the way I liked her?
No, of course she doesn't. That would be silly.
I panicked. "I-I have to go to the bathroom," I whispered, with a slight urgency in my voice. El looked a little sad, but mostly she looked confused. It hurt me to see, but I stood up out of bed and walked into the bathroom. Tears began to stream down my face.
Why does she do this to me?
I was constantly thinking of her. I felt intensely in love. I couldn't stop myself; I couldn't just stop loving her. I sat down on the covered toilet, trying to sob as quietly as I could. I put my head in my hands, so overwhelmed. Love is the worst, I've decided. How can you love somebody so much, when you've never even kissed them? I don't get to hold her hand, I don't get to kiss her, I don't get to tell her I love her.
She can't even know how I feel.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and curled up. I was supposed to be tough.
But I'm not. I'm weak. I'm crying over a stupid girl.
Over stupid feelings for a stupid girl. Stupid. Stupid. Everything is stupid. I'm stupid and these feelings are stupid. I'm stupid for falling for my best friend and stupid for letting her see it and stupid for everything else. God dammit, I can't do anything right! That's all I am.
Just a stupid, stupid dyke.
A dyke.
I am a dyke. Yes, I am a stupid, good for nothing, weak and worthless dyke. That is all I am and that is all I will ever be.
There was a gentle knock at the door.
"M-Max..? Are you ok?" It was El. Of course it was.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just please leave me alone," I managed to croak out, after gathering myself for a moment. I didn't know if she could tell that I had been crying or not. She is ruining my life. Why did she have to say that? Why does she have to lead me on like that, only so I can get my heart broken?
I didn't hear here walk away, rather, I heard her slide down the door and sit down.
"Please, just leave me alone," I said, my voice cracking. I was barely able to hold in the sob that was begging to escape my lips.
"No," I could faintly make out. I began to grow angry, and just as I was about to snap in half and yell at her, Eleven whispered, "I'm not leaving you."
That did it.
But I wasn't mad anymore. It was like a dam broke inside of me. I began to cry. I was sniffling and sobbing. I laid on the bathroom floor, my face and t-shirt soaked with ugly tears and snot. I curled up in a ball, trying to comfort myself. I didn't want El to come in and see me or talk to me or hold me.
I wanted the lonely to set in.
I knew she still sat outside the door. I could hear an occasional, "Shhh.." escape Eleven's lips, and I knew that she just wanted me to open the door and let her in.
But I just couldn't bare to do it.
I knew well that it would only make my feelings for El grow, and that was literally the last thing I wanted. I sobbed and sobbed for probably hours on end, and Eleven stayed at the door. When I felt empty of tears and too numb to feel anything else, I slowly sat up. I wiped the now disgusting floor with a hand towel that sat on the sink, and walked up to the door. Before opening it, I took 11 deep breathes, eyes closed. When I opened them, I felt ready to go back to bed.
I put my hand on the lock of the door and turned it, my hand shaking slightly. What would El think? I turned the knob, and there was Eleven, sitting at the door.
She was still awake.
She turned, looking shocked but relieved. And tired. She looked really tired. A pang of guilt hit my chest. El stood and hugged me. I hugged her back, but I did so without much passion; more so just to be polite. Plus, she seemed like she needed it. But, I was trying to get over her. Not fall back into those eyes. She hugged me tightly. She seemed afraid.
"Hey, I'm ok," I whispered in her ear. She continued to hug me, saying nothing. We stood there for a while, hugging, until she released me. There were tears streaming down her face, but she gave me a weak smile. "Oh, Elly," I said, unable to help myself. I wrapped her up in a hug, me hugging her tighter this time. She cried gently into my shoulder. "Shhh... I'm sorry, El," I soothed, "I got you now, it's ok..."

Thanks for reading!! I'm so sorry for another short chapter! I gotta end it at the perfect time, so it had to be short again.

Word Count: 896

~eight