Love Me Back // Elmax Fanfiction

Chapter 10 ~ Numb

TW: MENTION OF SELF HARM

Max
I haven't really been hanging out with El lately. Her smile makes me so happy, but the realization that I can't have her makes it suddenly painful. It feels like my cheeks are being yanked down, and my smile always falters. The butterflies that swarm through my stomach seem to freeze in time and be stuck there, leaving a dreadful, nagging pain in my chest and the pit of my stomach. Not being able to breathe for a split second quickly becomes not being able to breathe for what feels like minutes at a time, until I completely forget how to. Then it's a mess of unevenly-spaced breaths and short ones and long ones. My warm, fuzzy-feeling cheeks suddenly start to burn hot as if being sprayed with boiling water. And my sweaty palms get cold and clammy.
It is absolutely horrible.
Therefore, I've been hanging out at Lucas' a lot. We just talk and kiss and he holds my hand and shit. I don't mind talking with him; I actually really love him as a friend. He understands and appreciates my sarcasm, and he lets me tease him all I want. I feel like he's the only one who really treats me like I'm normal. As if nothing is wrong with me, and I've been acting completely normal for the past several months.
I hate him as a boyfriend. I don't think he's a bad one(although he can be an idiot), I just don't like him like that. Kissing him feels cold and disgusting. The thought of having anything past kissing physically makes me gag. When I think of it, my body feels as if it could cringe so hard that it could turn inside out. Even holding his hands is gross. They're hot and sweaty, and there isn't any tingly feeling when his hand makes contact with mine. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job faking it or not.
I'm at his house currently, listening to him talk about one thing or another. I focused back in on what he was saying. Luckily, Lucas wasn't the most observant when it came to reading people, so I don't think he noticed me stare off into pace for those few seconds.
"And Eleven was like, 'Oh hell no,' and then all these guys just start bleeding out of their eyes, and BOOM! They fall to the floor!" This story again? I'd heard this one a million times. Bad men found them, blah blah blah, El saved them by killing the bad men, blah blah blah, demigorgen sensed the blood, blah blah blah, Eleven killed the demigorgen. Not gonna lie, the first time I heard the story, I was enticed. She'd single-handedly saved her life, along with the boys', and probably Joyce's and Hopper's, too. She is absolutely amazing. But it's told over and over and over, as if I've never heard it. Sometimes I mention it, and the boys laugh. They keep saying they forget, but I don't see how you can forget telling someone a story like that. I think that they just like showing off how awesome their friend is,which I guess is cute in a way. But not cute in the way El is when she smiles.
Lucas finally finishes telling his story. "Wow, I've only heard that one like, maybe 82 times," I say sarcastically. I feel so normal when I do so. I didn't even think about Eleven, not even in the back of my mind... until just now. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.
Lucas laughed. "Oh yeah, I forgot," He says, just as I'd predicted he would. I teasingly rolled my eyes.
Lucas planted a kiss on my lips. Ew, I thought. I tried to kiss back, because it would probably be 100% awkward if I didn't. I don't think he notices that it's taking so much effort, because he seems pretty calm and has never once asked me about it.
Good thing I picked this oblivious child as my boyfriend. I smiled at that thought as I pulled away from the kiss, which was probably pretty realistic-feeling on Lucas' part. Who knew I could still feel happiness? I mentally high-fived myself.
"Well, I should get going, Stalker," I said. It was getting close to dinner, and I didn't like the idea of Neil beating me for being late.
"Ok. I had fun. Bye, Maxie," He whispered the pet name, but I'd heard it loud in clear.
I snapped my head around to face him. "Don't call me that," I snapped. Wow, I was really mad all of a sudden. Only Eleven calls me that, and I plan to keep it that way. "That's like the worst nickname ever. So sappy," I added, trying to lighten the mood a bit. I don't know if it did or just made him feel worse.
I honestly didn't really care either way.
I walked out of Lucas' house and hopped on my skateboard. I skated down the street, fantasizing about what it would be like if El and I were dating.

Back at Max's House
I arrive home just on time. My mom is just about done making dinner, and Neil is sitting at the couch with a monstrous bottle of vodka, as usual.
"Hi," I say, alerting them that I've arrived home and that I'm on time. I get no response. I take that as my cue to head upstairs and put my stuff in my room, so I do. I flop on my bed and allow some tears to roll down my cheeks. They always build up when I'm doing literally anything, so I try my best to hold them in until I'm alone. I don't need the entire world to know that I'm completely pathetic.
Lately, I haven't been feeling a lot of things. I get angry a lot more often and easily, but it's honestly a relieving feeling. A majority of the time, I just feel numb. As if I've died or something. It's just cold and quiet on the inside. It's the most inhuman feeling I've ever had. How can somebody feel nothing for such long periods at a time? It's one of the scariest things I've ever felt, as well. I am in constant worry that I'll be stuck like this forever. Will I ever feel true happiness again? It's a constant fear. What if I never feel emotions again, other than anger and despair?
I've began cutting. I'm ashamed of it, but it makes me feel something. Plus, it's a good distraction. I mean, how are you supposed to think about your life issues when you're cutting your thighs open? I'm ashamed at how good it feels. I've been cutting my thighs right below my underwear line, since you can't really see them unless I'm undressed. It's my little secret, but it's eating me up inside.
Maybe life in general is just eating me up.
I often wonder why I can't just be straight. None of this would be happening if I was. None of it! And nobody kills straight people for being straight or bullies them for it or arrests them for it. I am constantly envious of everybody in my group! Other than Will, I'm pretty sure they're all straight, and I so badly wish that that could just be me. My life would be so much easier if I could just like Lucas and date him. I'd be happy. Just happy.
I hear my mom call me down, interrupting my thoughts, so I wipe my tears and run downstairs. I know she probably won't notice my tears anyway, and even if she did she would ignore them, but Neil scared me. I didn't want him to see me vulnerable, although I guessed that he was probably too drunk to register that at the moment.
I walked down the stairs and sat at the table. Neil ate his dinner on the couch. He always made a huge mess that Mom had to clean up, and it annoyed me, but she never said anything. Obviously, I never did either. We sat at the table and ate in silence. I always ate as fast as possible, because I really didn't like my mom and she acted as if I didn't exist.
When I finished up, I rinsed my plate off and put it into the dishwasher.
I immediately walked back upstairs and locked myself in my room. I turned up my music, not too loud to tick Neil off, but loud enough to drown out my thoughts. That's how I fell asleep that night; numbly.

Thanks for reading people! Don't worry, this whole thing is going somewhere soon. Just be patient!

BTW winter break is almost here!! Do you know what that means?? ACTUAL FREE TIME! I plan to get a whole bunch of chapters in and publish much more frequently over those beautiful 2 weeks. Aren't you excited? You can read my book in all the free time you will have! It's gonna be great.

Word Count: 1524

~eight