Love Me Back // Elmax Fanfiction

Chapter 30 ~ I'm Pretty Damn Selfish

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF R*PE, SUICIDE, AND SELF HARM

Two Weeks Later
     I've been talking to Lucas every Saturday for two weeks now. He can't talk on weekdays because of homework, and he hangs out with the Party most Sundays. I sort of wish we could talk more, but now that I had Violet and Cameron, my time here has been a lot more enjoyable.
     Having dance parties, making prank calls(with the phone in Cameron's room), creating a slide out of the reclinable hospital bed. These are all the sorts of things we'd done together. I think some of the nurses thought we were annoying, but most of them seemed to find it hilarious.
     Today was another group meeting, and Cameron was bringing stick-on mustaches, supplied by his mother, to give out to every kid while the adults were in the hallway. I couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces.
     Despite all of the fun things we did, the thoughts of El always lingered. I couldn't get her out of my head; on top of that, I still hadn't spoken to her. It'd been two months now, and the only time I'd heard her voice was the one time when my mom turned the walkie off. On week one.
     I hated her for that.
     Sometimes I dream about my crush. Well, actually, I always dream about her. Literally. Every. Single. Night. I'm not even sure how. Do I really think about her that much? There are a million other things I could be dreaming about. But, I guess in a way it's like I'm able to see her, so I won't question it.
     Sometimes Cameron and Violet are in them, too, but most of the time it's just me and El. We're always doing something different. We kiss sometimes— I like those dreams. They always feel so real, but to my disappointment, I always wake up.
I miss her touch almost more then I miss her voice. I'm able to hear her voice in my head— I'm able to imagine what she'd say. But I'm not able to feel her touch. I can imagine it; what it'd be like if she were sitting right next to me. But I can't really feel it. I still get the butterflies just thinking about it, but I ache to feel her soft hand in mine, her head buried in the crook of my neck, her warm fingers on my cheek. I've never kissed her, so I don't really know how that feels, but I miss everything else. A heavy ball of pain appeared in my chest whenever I thought of her.
     Sometimes, I catch myself holding my own hand, stroking my own cheek, playing with my own hair. I do it subconsciously, often when I'm thinking of El. God, I miss her.
     I also always wonder if she's was ok. I'm afraid that she could be depressed; I don't want her to cry over me.
     At the same time, I was afraid she'd stopped caring about me. Maybe she'd gotten back together with Mike and forgotten all about me. I rid my mind of that thought whenever it comes. I just can't bare to think that that's what happened. I couldn't even begin to think what I'd do to myself if that was the case. If she didn't care anymore. A sneaky tear slipped down my cheek and I moved my hand up quickly to wipe it.
     Mrs. Thai walked in just then. "Group's in ten," she alerted me. I nodded. My negative thoughts still lingered, but I tried to focus on the mustache scheme. I went into the bathroom and got ready, brushing my teeth and doing my hair. I changed into a black Queen t-shirt and tucked it into a pair of light blue jean shorts.
     I bursted out of my room and walked quickly down the hall, heading towards Cameron's room. I dodged every man walking down the hall, trying to get as far away as possible from each one. I didn't hesitate to walk up against the walls just to avoid the possible physical contact. It was one of the awful side-effects of the thing that happened with Neil. I didn't let anyone touch me unless they were a girl, unless I really trusted them. Of course I didn't care about Cameron touching me, but he was my age so it wasn't exactly the same. I discarded those thoughts from my mind as I approached the door to Cameron's room. I opened it to find that Cameron and Violet were already there, each selecting the mustache they wanted. The pair turned to me when I opened the door. "Hey, Max," Cameron spoke.
     "Sup," I replied, making my way over. "Oh my god, I so want the curly one," I said, pointing to the one I wanted.
     "Already called it," Violet grinned.
     "Damnit," I let out. I scanned my options again. There was a super skinny one that sloped down a bit like a mountain, and I knew that that was the one El would have picked if she were here. I smiled sadly before laughing as I came upon the thickest mustache I'd ever seen. "That one." More pointing.
     "Respectable choice," Cameron stared matter-of-factly. Violet and I giggled.
     After we gathered everything up and managed to hide it, we ran down the halls, giggling cheekily. We arrived a couple minutes earlier than usual and stood by the door, handing out mustaches to every kid who walked it. "Don't put it on just yet, we'll do it the second Ms. Meldo turns away," Cameron echoed to each person. Ms. Meldo was the cheery young woman who stood in the middle of the circle every group meeting and smiled too widely. She seemed nice, but it was just strange.
     Anyway, after everyone had walked in, Ms. Meldo did the same short introduction she always does and allowed us to "talk" for five minutes while she left the room to do god knows what. I smirked as I pulled my mustache out of my pocket and slyly stuck it to my top lip. I wondered how hilarious El would look with a mustache. And would she laugh at me? Probably. I smiled at the thought. I'd probably make a joke about being a man so we could just be together and she'd laugh some more. Just the thought of her laughter created a warm feeling in my gut.
By now, every kid had a mustache on, and a few of the supervisors still in the room were chuckling. "You'd better get it all out now," some boy jokingly threatened them. The circle laughed together.
Our laughter was interrupted by the click of the door. All of us pulled our smiles down and looked seriously at Ms. Meldo, as if nothing was up. Some kids were trying their hardest not to smile(and failing) and averting their eyes, including Violet, but I was good at faking my emotions, so it was relatively easy to keep a straight face.
Finally a good use for that skill.
Ms. Meldo did a few spins from the center of the circle, confusedly eyeing as all. A few stifled giggles went up in the crowd; even the supervisors were having a hard time. "What the heck is going on here?" She spoke, bewildered but also trying to play it off like she got the joke, even though there wasn't really a joke. It was just stupid funny. She flashed that wide, fake smile, still spinning a bit. I don't dislike her— just pointing out the obvious. I thought it must be awkward to try and talk to a group of people surrounding you. There was no way that your back wasn't going to be turned at someone. I wondered why she did it that way.
"What ever do you mean, Ms. Meldo?" Cameron asked innocently.
"Ah, I see," she said, pointing at him and winking.
"She has the most boring way of responding to everything," I whispered to Violet. She let out a chuckle, and like a wildfire it spread. Two or three other kids giggled as well. More kids trickled into the black hole that is laughter, and with the constant giggling passing from person to person, everyone was getting riled up. Even I was cracking a smile.
When I noticed that I was the only one not laughing, I subconsciously laughed at myself.
Damnit.
The entire circle, including me, was now erupting in a laughing fit, and it did so for about 5 minutes until it finally bubbled down and we could keep our cackling to a minimum.
The rest of Group went as normal, or as normally as possible, I guess. There were some weird people in this group; not that I'm complaining.
After that was over, and since I didn't have one-on-one therapy today, Violet, Cameron, and I decided to go back to Cameron's room. His parents were the most chill, so he had the nicest room, and they weren't even there today, so we'd have the room to ourselves.
After trying to copy all the dances on MTV for an hour, pooped out, I collapsed on the armchair by the window. My friends quickly followed suit, Violet and Cameron collapsing on the twin bed. We sat in comfortable silence for a while, catching our breaths. Violet's face was pretty red, and I sure mine was even more so; I've always noticed that redheads' faces seem to get the reddest. I was always bright red after running in PE. Cameron, I guess because of his tanner complexion, wasn't all that red, though I could tell that he was just as tired as we were.
After maybe three minutes of this, Cameron spoke. "My crush came to see me the other day," he gushed. I sat up straighter in my chair.
"You've never mentioned a crush! Who is she?" I assumed he was straight, since he didn't say anything on that first day, but after he hesitated I decided to add, "or he..?" Cameron smiled gratefully at me. It was as if he'd said, "yes, somebody gets it, thank you."
"Um, h-his name is uh, Noah," he stuttered nervously. Even though he knew full well neither of us were homophobic, coming out is always scary as fuck.
"Oooooo, what's he like?"
"Straight," he sighed.
I sat there like a deer in headlights for second before saying, "I used to think El was straight. She's actually bi."
"He's dating a girl," he let out. "He talks about her non-stop."
"I don't know for sure, but El used to be dating a guy, and she actually used to hate me. For no reason in particular, she just did. But she broke up with Mike, her boyfriend. For me." Tears started to well up in my eyes, but I refused to let my new friends see it. What if she was back with him? That thought always passed through my brain. It felt like someone was painfully pressing down on my chest.
Cameron just shrugged. "I'm bi, by the way. I mean, just so you know."
"Sure," Violet said.
"Ok, but how are we all gay?" I laughed, Violet and Cameron laughing along with me.
"I don't know," Violet giggled, "Maybe we just sensed each other. Bird of a feather flock together."
"Probably," Cameron agreed.
"Actually, most of my friends at home are gay, too," I chuckled. My smile faltered when I thought of El, but if my friends noticed they did put say anything. "Only two of them aren't— Lucas and Dustin are the only straight ones. The other four of us are some form of gay. Well, Mike isn't out, at least not to me, but he's totally crushing on Will." They we're both familiar with my friends by now, as I talked about them a lot. I missed them a lot.
"That's awesome," Violet said.
"Yeah."
"Sorry if this is like, a personal question, but um... what happened to your cheeks?" Cameron asked, seemingly curious. My hands unconsciously reached up to feel the thick scars that ran down my jawline on either side.
"I uh, I did it to myself."
"Oh," Cameron said, sounding concerned but also mellow at the same time. Both he and Violet had probably hurt themselves in the past.
"Wow. I've never seen anyone do it like that. Mine are on my arms." With that, Violet flipped her wrists over to let me see. Scars ran up and down the entirety of her forearm.
"I- um- that's not how I did it. It just kinda, um, happened." I turned my arms over to reveal the deep scars. "This just kinda happened, too. I usually cut on my thighs," I informed them. I hadn't ever told anyone about my scars.
"Same here," Cameron spoke. "But, um, I also have some on neck. They're not deep," he paused for a short second, seeming to be thinking, before he quietly added, "I did it the night I was raped."
It took all of my effort not to widen my eyes. Cameron was raped? I knew guys could be raped, but I didn't know it actually happened.
     Before I could stop myself, I said, "Yeah, I cut my face the night I was raped, too. By, uhm, Neil. My stepdad. And uh, that's the night I attempted suicide." Before I knew it, I was lifting the bottom of my shirt to show them the mass of scar tissue where I'd stabbed myself. "I stabbed myself with a knife, the one that I usually.. hurt myself with. I wasn't really logically thinking about anything; I just knew I wanted to be gone. Not dead. I just really didn't want to exist." Throughout my story, my friends had listened with complete respect. Suddenly, I was regretful for telling them all of that. I doubted they wanted to hear my sob story. Who cares about me? I thought. "Sorry, I-"
     "You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault," Violet assured me, putting her hand on mine. I flinched a little, but quickly settled myself, smiling weakly.
     "And if it makes you feel any better, I uh, I was raped by my cousin," he clarified.
     "Oh. That sucks, I'm sorry."
     "Thanks. I'm sorry too. I wish you hadn't gone through that."
     "Yeah..." I trailed off, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
     "I'm still glad that you didn't succeed in killing yourself. Is that selfish?" Cameron jokingly asked, lightening the air a bit. I was hella grateful for that.
     "It's a little selfish," I responded sarcastically, unable to hold back a grin.
     "Guess I'm pretty damn selfish myself then," Violet smiled.
     "You guys are the best," I let out. Even as I said it, though, my brain couldn't help but think about El. These guys were great, no doubt, but El was my everything. How could I just leave her like I did?

Hi my people! I hope you're all doing well, and I hope you enjoyed my chapter! What do I usually say at this part? I don't even know. Welp. Goodbye and I love you all!

word count: 2548

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