j* Movie Reviews 2019

Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker (2019)

Show don't tell, and I do mean show me more of the hot romance plotline.

Star Wars and I have a long enough history that it was highly unlikely I was ever going to enjoy it, but this one was, for the abundance of action, pretty dull. And they have stupid fantasy based powers that just come out suddenly at certain moments even if they would have been way more useful ten minutes ago. Convenient plot-summoned magic. The plot lurches here there and everywhere like a bad NaNoWriMo novel.

The story is like that "Oh that's good, no, that's bad" tale where a guy falls out plane (bad) has a parachute (good) it doesn't open (bad) but there's a haystack (good) but it has a pitchfork in it (bad). To illustrate this with just one sequence, the Big Furry is captured (bad), Rey can suddenly stop whole ships with her hands (good), Sexy Snape starts to stop her stopping ships (bad), but suddenly she's stronger (good), but her strength explodes the ship (bad)... but the Big Furry was on a whole other ship (good!)... and so on and so forth throughout the entire film.

This instalment in the franchise continues the long Star Wars tradition of boring me to death by having characters tell me everything all the time. The characters constantly tell us what they're going to do, then they do it, then they tell us what they just did...it is quite sleep inducing. There is only one plotline in here that was not narrated, and subsequently, that was the only thing I became interested in...

That was the hot, hot, hot romance between Rey and Kylo Ren aka Sexy Snape aka Adam Driver aka Ben Solo. Like OMG will they or won't they get it on?

So much suspense. She's the capable chick in sensible pants. He's the tall, dark, brooding and sexy, yet strange-looking Star Wars Snape. Snape, Snape, mysterious Snape. They have this intense connection. So intense. Mere mortals can never understand how intensely these two feel each other.

Sometimes Sexy Snape and Rey just start telepathing with each other. And they are legit so into each other that sometimes they can do this trippy thing where they love-fight in both places that they are at once... we're on a ship /we're in the desert /we're on the ship /we're in the desert /I love you /I fight you /I love you /I fight you /I'm a good girl /You're a bad boy... We are together against all other possibilities and realities of separation of space and time. So strong, these feelings are.

She sneaks into his quarters and they fight a bit there even though he's somewhere else. They do all this close quarters zoomy glow-stick-love fighting and smash the remnants of that Darth Vader guy's hat. For a lot of the movie Sexy Snape has to keep his helmet on, but his pulsing love is cracking out through it, trying to telepath Rey. He drifts around in his big, black, swooshy cape a lot. She runs around with her long, white, flowy bits flowing out behind her. They're basically already dressed for their own cosplay wedding.

There's this (previously mentioned) scene where she's "forcing" this bad ship to keep it from stealing the Big Furry and Sexy Snape shows up and starts "forcing" it free. And they're both (actually) there (I think), "forcing" so hard in front of each other, staring at each other, hands up, "forcing." And it's all "I'm stronger" and then "No, I'm stronger" and we all know they're talking about their deep "forcey" feelings for each other. The chemistry of them both "forcing" in close proximity is so electric that eventually sparks totally fly and the whole ship explodes... like their love.

Then later they have a particularly full on fight, and Rey penetrates so deep into Sexy Snape that he is dying, he is passing out in her arms. And because she has such strong feelings for him she touches him with the special power she usually only reserves for great, big, giant serpents, if you know what I mean. And just as the healed serpent writhes gentle around her, so too does Sexy Snake. I mean Snape. Large, muscular, dangerous, but healed by the power of her gentle touch. Sssssssss!

Note here she never goes back on her ship and tells the Big Furry, TinMan or The Ball "I just stabbed Kylo Ren, and then I healed him with my magic hands because that guy is hot, hot, hot!" which is absolutely what would have happened if this was a main part of the story. This whole romance is like a great big secret from the whole rest of the movie, as best I remember it. And by secret I just mean no-one has endless conversations about it.

Anyway, this whole epic love story climaxes, at some point after the baddy goes full Plasma Ball. Rey is injured, Rey is dead. Sexy Snape finds her, and starts healing her with his hands, as she did earlier to him. And lo, this handsome prince doth wake our sleeping beauty in true Disney form. And then they kiss and I am all "finally!" But I guess he has spent all his energy to save the love of his life, and then he dies. It was some real Romeo & Juliet level tragedy.

And this, my friends, is why porny-fan-fiction is so popular on Wattpad. I guess. I mean I've never actually gone looking before, but if ever there was a need for more resolution to a tale of great love, this is probably it. I mean I hear fans are looking for thousands of "better" fan-fictions to end this franchise anyway, but if I cared, I'd be looking for "Rey & Kylo: the Honeymoon."

There was an awful lot of gibberish packing out the film between the tragic love story.

J* gives it 1 star.

PS. I didn't fall asleep. I came really close a few times, mainly when that Poe guy keeps talking and talking and talking. Shut up Poe guy!