j* Movie Reviews 2019

Three Headed Shark Attack (2015)

You know when CGI was coming of age and everyone was all super excited at the possibilities.... "We're going to make aliens, space worlds, living dinosaurs, fantastic beasts.... We're going to have humans in ping-pong ball suits CGI into amazing characters like gorillas and gollums and whatever."

Well these people went "you know what we could do with CGI? We could make a three-headed shark swim through a cloud of beer cans." And they do. And they are so happy with this footage that they replay it over and over and over again. The shark loves beer cans. It's because it's a mutant from the Great Garbage Patch that is mysteriously located at coral island that has a deepwater research facility somehow underneath.

Sense of spatial reality is totally messed up in this movie. Water is ankle deep, but the giant shark will appear. People are swimming towards the boat but yet we see them aiming for open water. Everyone on the boat is desperately trying to reach land and it's a long way off but both angles, left and right show that they are actually in what appears to be a river, with heaps of land on both sides. The shark can somehow come onto islands... but we don't see this very much.

I'm prepared to buckle up for the clearly ridiculous premise that is a giant murderous three headed shark turned on by garbage. But I cannot abide a total inability to attempt a realistic portrayal of basic three dimensional space.

Sometimes stupid movies entertain me. Like Ghostshark. Ghostshark takes the stupid to such an excellent level, whilst keeping it's cinematic sensibility vaguely intact. Ghostshark I'm all punching the air when the ghostshark can get you in your beer - gloriously, hilariously stupid. Like Snake Outta Compton... so stupid and yet so delightful. But this, Three Headed Shark Attack, is just stupid-stupid. It's so stupid.

Party boat starts sinking and panicked teens confront the captain.

"Where are the lifeboats."

"There aren't any."

That's the kind of stupid this film is.

Even Danny Trejo couldn't bring much too it.

I think this is probably the shittest shark movie I've ever watched.

And shit in a not-at-all entertaining way.

J* gives it 1 star.