j* Movie Reviews 2019

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood (2019)

Well, thank goodness Tarantino is done now. Fingers crossed.

Let's start by reiterating I'm not a fan of Tarantino generally - I think of his films like I do of Marvel movies: over-rated by a dedicated fan-base. I don't completely hate them, I'm usually a bit "meh" and most of them probably get around 3 stars from me... kinda average films. I keep going to see them and once in a while one is pretty good, like Inglourious Basterds.

I understand what its like to enjoy a director who does slow, weird stuff. Case in point for me is Nicolas Winding Refn (Bronson, Drive, Neon Demon). I get what it's like to really dig a really strange slow movie, additional case in point, Bad Batch. I can love slow stuff other people find painfully dull.

But now that I've written enough blah to probably hide the spoilers, let's have at it.

This is the worst Tarantino film I have ever seen.

The worst. Ever.

It is so deadly boring.

Like honestly.

Let me give you spoilers for the entire film. Here's what you're going to see:

>Brad Pitt parking a car. A lot. Seriously, it will be on the drinking game list and you'll be drunk well before half way.

>Brad Pitt driving a car. Snooze. Please note here that I have already made a point about stating that I like the film Drive which is about 80% just Ryan Gosling driving a car. Ryan Gosling's expressionless face is five times more entertaining than the back of Brad Pitt's head driving a car.

>Leonardo DiCaprio getting given directions around movie sets.

>Leonardo DiCaprio complaining about getting old - pony up Jack you had a good run.

>Flash backs to previous film sets that are more boring than the the current film sets on which most of the movie is filmed. Woh, so meta. Insert Keanu meme here.

>A lot of really boring looking cowboy stuff. I've seen crap Western movies that were more entertaining.

>Margot Robbie doing nothing at all. Criminally wasted.

>Assorted girls in short shorts bending over for the camera.

>Feet. Girls' feet. Girls' barefeet. This will also be in the drinking game. I feel the feet got more and more dirty as the film progressed, but that could just be me desperately attempting to search for meaning. It's probably just some fetish thing they've thrown in to look edgy.

>Manson Family inclusions that are so, so dull. I watched Manson: The Lost Tapes a few nights before this, and seriously, the documentary editors of real, actual footage made it way more interesting. The real characters are far more amazing and weird and fascinating - this feels like a film students' first attempt at portraying the Manson family.

>Worst selection of female characters on screen in ages; is there a shitty female stereotype not included in this film? That's not a real question I did the math and the answer is no - he's got them all just like Pokemon.

>Margaret Qualley is in this, but her performance in the Kenzo Perfume ad is endlessly more memorable, empowering and intriguing.

High points include:

>The little girl actor - she is legitimately amazing and probably the only character in the whole film with any actual character. Definitely the only cool female character.

>Zoe Bell gets to swear, briefly. And appear, oh so briefly.

>There is this bit where the whole screen becomes an old tv so you can pretend you're in the lounge room hanging out with Brad and Leo watching some crappy-old-fake-meta-show. I'm not really sure that is a high point, but I'm trying to make this list appear balanced.

>There was this brief action scene towards the end but it's pretty standard schlocky T-fest stuff. John Wick would approve of the dog.

>Speaking of dogs, how about all those dogs just roaming everywhere at Spahn Ranch? Boy howdy there were a lot of dogs - that will also be in the drinking game.... Drink every time you see a vague dog.

>There is a flame thrower. Small mercies.

>The ending was actually the ending and the film didn't go another hour.

People, who I can only assume have well and truly swallowed the Tarantino Flavoured Koolaid, have described this as "a love letter to Hollywood." I'd describe it as a circle-jerk of bad poetry. Really bad poetry. When I say "Tarantino Flavoured" I totally mean as per Fight Club... I'd advise against the clam chowder. And the Tarantino Koolaid.

A fellow movie reviewer, who is sort of the alt-David to my alt-Margaret, said "In a weird way it kind of feels like if Tarantino did a movie length episode of Seinfeld" and I thought I understood what I was in for.

But that totally oversold it to me. I watched an ep of Seinfeld the night before this and it is amazing just how much actually happens in their 22mins. Once Upon A Time... ran for 2hrs 39 and is absolutely a snoozefest. You could watch seven episodes of Seinfeld in this time, and that would be my recommended approach. Or watch Manson: The Lost Tapes (1hr) and four Seinfeld episodes and you'll be both better informed, delightfully creeped out and more entertained.

I went in expecting "meh, Tarantino" and I came out going "urrrgh."

J* gives it 1 star.

PS. I thought the trailer made this film look quite cool, maybe even as cool as Bad Times at The El Royale. Bad Times was chock-a-block full of good times. This was not.