j* Movie Reviews 2019

6 Underground (2019)

Do you like Bayhem?

Bayhem: the explosive and chaotic filmic stylings created by director Michael Bay.

Eg) That new Netflix film, "6 Underground" fully has the Bayhem dialled up to about 11, hey?

It's not for everyone, because Bayhem is a very specific form of art. If it were painterly 2D, it might be something like Jackson Pollock meets Andy Warhol, a combination of unintelligible, splatty dimensionality and reproducible commercial pop-cool. If it were dance, it might be like if the Russian Ballet met Stomp... precision pink points combining with clanging metal moves and a trampoline.

But Bayhem is its own filmic thing.

The art of Bayhem is chiefly achieved via the sensation of taking a mundane setting where gravity is in control and adding a large impact force that scatters a range of elements into the unoccupied 3D space. You may have thrown confetti, attended fireworks, blown bubbles or (heaven forbid) accidentally released a helium balloon - these are everyday experiences of creating occupation of the 3D. Bayhem is like this, but using cars, motorbikes, humans, planes, helicopters, parachutes, bodies, bullets, pipes, tyres, steel beams, pool sized volumes of water, chairs, nuns, pigeons, knives, guns, produce ... if you can imagine it hurtled into 3D space it's a contender. Even if you can't personally imagine it thrown into 3D space, Michael Bay can, and he will find a way to show you. And it will look spectacular.

Some people (usually haters) say they can't see Bayhem, that it's too fast - I would love to do a study on this to see if there is an actual visual-perception limit to the speed of eye-brain processing of Bay-lovers vs Bay-haters. Maybe it's genetic, like coriander? I suspect Bayhem is very like coriander. I sometimes ponder, given how much of Bayhem is still achieved ye-olde-schoole practical effects way, how he doesn't have a bigger death toll? Man must be a total OH&S nut.

I like to imagine a planning meeting where this film got going:

Netflix: Hey, Bay-bae, we've got $150 million. What are you thinking?

Bay: Yes.

Netflix: Have you got any ideas for crazy action sequences?

Bay's henchmen unroll a redunkulously long list... they have to kick out a window in the skyscraper so the list can fully unfurl down the side of the building. It drifts back and forth in the breeze.

Netflix: Any films you wish you'd made?

Bay: Sometimes, I just wish I'd done a Fast & The Furious.

Netflix nods, looks at their sidekick and winks excitedly.

Netflix: Been watching anything inspiring?

Bay: Domino and Mile 22. Particularly Mile 22. It's so fast.

Netflix: We've got Ryan Reynolds.

Bay: Wahlberg said no?

Netflix: Deadpool said yes. Also, what colours you feeling?

Bay: Hot pink, neon green and glassy-metallic orange-purple.

Netflix: You okay with product placement?

Bay stares.

For the first twenty minutes you are treated to the most amazeballs car chase sequence that has ever been filmed. You will struggle to draw breath and will repeatedly gasp, groan and wonder. How have you watched so many action films and never seen **that** element before? There are a lot of nuns. Hot pink, neon green, metallic orange. Jeep. For the next forty minutes or so you'll pretend you're interested in the sort of flashbacks/origin stories they seem to start telling about how this whole posse came to be. You're not really interested, but there's some cool action here too. At about the hour mark you'll realise you still don't really know what this film is about yet.

Did they do all the flashbacks? You're sure they only counted up to four and there are six characters, even if one is called Seven because Six died in the opening car chase. Oooh, spoilers. Hot pink, neon green, metallic orange. Captain Morgan Rum & a stab at whoever wouldn't cough up for Pizza sponsorship. Not to worry about the flashbacks, they've found the plot!

There's a bad dictator and he needs to be replaced by his brother. Our crew is gonna sort it. Sweet! Let's use that plot to support more amazingly over-the-top action. Don't mind if they do. Moaaar spectacle!! Have we discussed the fact that the dialogue feels about 80% quotes and song lyrics? Like a remix. Hot pink, neon green, metallic orange-purple. Some brand of watch I'm sure I can't afford. This film is like an architectural rollercoaster. I saw so many amazing buildings flashing by in full spinshot. Bay must have a crazy list of epic locations. I want to do the Michael Bay architectural wonders tour in a helicopter.

This really is Bay making Mile 22 whilst channelling Domino and Fast & The Furious. It is a frenetic mass of glorious colour and spectacle... it's like the big happy love of a wet Golden Retriever shaking in slow motion then knocking you down and humping your leg. And everyone loves it, everyone's laughing, even you. And it's all in slow motion. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Bay's a good boy.

As a coherent, narrative driven film... J* gives it 3 stars.

As the Bayziest of all Bayhem Baysed Baytaculars... 5 Baystarz.

PS. How long do you have to wait until you watch the opening 20mins again in slow mo? And can you buy that ghost logo on a shirt of redbubble? These are important questions.

A2: Yes you can, search "ghost army" and it comes up - some WW2 thing.