LIAR | QUEEN AU

Chapter 38 - Messing With The Beat Of My Heart

Dear Diary:

It's currently February 19th, 2020. I realized I probably should have put the dates of my entries sooner, but oh well. Now or never.

Anyways, we've been in Japan for three days! Well, technically two days and three nights. It's been a fun two days and three nights. You know what I'll just stick with three days because my wrist will get sore, and I don't want it to get sore.

I haven't really done anything but ponder and look out the window. Brian and Roger have been out and about while I'm inside. I don't know. I just haven't felt like going out. It's very pretty outside, I'm sure. I just haven't been in the mood.

I've definitely been feeling better. Physically of course. In fact, I've been able to take off my arm sling, so that's not the problem. It's just... mentally? I don't know... I've been better.

It's hard. I miss my family, and I miss Freddie. Yeah, I miss the guy who tried to kill me. But I also miss the guy who used to love me. The guy who was my life. The guy who tried to end my life. And it's so hard because it's just this tumult of emotions building up in my brain, and it's so hard to concentrate on one thing because the next thing comes soon after.

It's just an endless cycle of bravery and fear, a cycle of heartbreak and healing, and a cycle of, well, everything. But nothing. I contemplate him so many times a day it's actually sickening.

This whole thing has just been so overwhelmingly complicated. I don't know if I can handle it sometimes. He's changed so much, too much just from the time I saw him at the lake. Well duh he's changed, he's killing people! But is it out of his own will? Is he doing this because he actually thinks it's right? Is he going mad or is he being manipulated? There's just a large grey area that makes this whole thing much harder.

I need help. That's it. Just help. In many things, but right now I'll focus on help with getting my Freddie back. We can worry about my mental health later. I'll be fine. Brian and Roger are still with me, and that's what matters.

I wish I could write out all my feelings, but really that's impossible. It's just too much. Too much to explain, and too much to feel. I know my entries have been repetitive, and I'm sorry. I have just been stuck in a cycle of feelings. An endless loop.

So yeah, I've been better. I just want to feel better again soon. I'll keep that smile on. Some day one day it'll be real again. I just don't want to drag anyone down with my sadness.

I've got to keep hope. We're going to save Freddie from the madness he caused, and we're going to save the people affected by the madness he caused. We'll get him back. I'm sure. My smile will return. I have faith it will. I have every reason to be sad, but so many more to be happy, and I know it'll come soon. Eventually.

I've talked too much. I'll stop writing now because Julie's been trying to call me. Sayonara. Hah, that's what Freddie said in his note. I still have it.

~ Signing off, J Deacon

That bloody ringing will be the death of me. I know, I know. A stab wound didn't kill me, but a phone call will. It's not that I didn't want to talk to them. It's just that I didn't want to talk to them?

I've been drowning in my melancholy blues lately. A dismal mood. it's weird because I felt genuinely happy a few days ago when traveling to Japan. I guess when reality hits, it hits you hard. The reality is that I have to face Freddie soon. He's bound to strike. I can feel it.

Lethargically, I picked up my phone from my bedside and swiped to answer the call which just so happened to be a face time. I sighed. Don't forget to smile.