LIAR | QUEEN AU

Chapter 59 - Love Is Still The Answer Take My Hand

Jail's not too bad. I'm surprised to say I've gotten quite accustomed to this dull, old room with absolutely nothing for me to do in here! Don't you just love it? I do.

God, who am I kidding? This is far from chipper, darling! Night and day I spend my time shifting around between the bed and the desk I have in this cell. I have to admit I'm incredibly bored in this confinement. I might get fat if I don't get to move around a little!

But I must remind myself this is what I deserve. I'll do my sentence, for I've committed quite a few crimes, huh? I'm fortunate enough to reside in SoR's jail. I wouldn't survive a day in prison! Oh, such dreadful conditions, I could never.

They were kind enough to spare the godawful orange jumpsuit. Although, I might want to request for more clothes. I haven't changed in a few days... Gross, I know.

This place could use a makeover. Who says inmates can't have a dazzling cell? Jail can be great if I make it great, deary! If I'm going to live my life in this cell, then I might as well make it as much of a home as I can. Maybe it'll make things feel a little bit better.

For now, I just have my daily chats with Rog and Bri to help out. They keep good company for about an hour at a time. I love it when they talk about old conversations we've had that are still a little foggy in my memory. It makes me feel a little more whole.

Regaining your memory isn't as satisfying as it sounds. Or at least, it isn't that satisfying right away. You've got all these thoughts jumbled around in your noggin all out of order. It takes work to piece them back together. It's tricky, but I've got help.

Through this mess, I'm certain about one thing. I've shared one hell of a portion of my life with John. He's everywhere. Every time I think about him, it's as if I recover a new memory. He was vital to my life. He is vital to my life. And yet, I hurt him. Mentally and, er, physically.

Dammit, Freddie, you're an idiot. I say I love John with all my heart, yet I'm the goddamn bloke who stabbed him. I don't think I've apologized about that. I've got to add that to the list. I don't even know how I could possibly apologize about those sort of things. "Hey, sorry I stabbed you a few months back, I didn't mean it." No, definitely not that.

I did mean it back then. Back when I didn't know anything. Back when I allowed myself to be manipulated. I wouldn't do that now. Obviously not. But, um, I thought that was the right thing to do before. And I've got to accept that was what I thought. I've learned, and I know better now, but I didn't then. Because of that, too many lives were affected.

It's been about a week since John last visited me. It didn't really go that well. God, seeing the pain in his eyes, hearing it in his voice--it was awful. It broke my f*cking heart. I just wanted to run up to him and hug him, but you know, not the best idea. From that visitation, he made it very clear that I shouldn't separate "the old Freddie" and myself. I see now it's not the wisest thing to do. So, I've been working on that.

I wish he'd come back though. Not for my sake, but his. He needs to give me his worst. He needs to give me a piece of his mind. I've learned from both reading John's diary and my talks with Brian and Rog that he tends to get stuck in his head, and I wouldn't want that for him. I'd rather him bite my head off than for him to suffer through all that alone.

To add to that, I really need to talk to all of them about Paul. He's still out there. He's not going to stop just because I've been arrested. Sure, he'll go f*cking nuts, but that's only going to fuel him even more.

Aside from that, everything's just peachy! If I'm correct, Brian should be coming back in three... two... one...

"Freddie?" Brian beckoned.