LIAR | QUEEN AU

Chapter 52 - How Do You Think I'm Gonna Get Along Without You When You're Gone?

TW: Events similar to a panic attack, although not explicitly stated, is included in this chapter. If this is sensitive material for you, please read with caution. Thank you, and enjoy (or at least try to, it's very bleak).

"I, I just don't get it! How could he--"

I offered Rog another tissue to blow his nose out with. He's been sobbing uncontrollably in our van for about half an hour, and it seems he could on for half an hour more.

You'd think I'd be a master at consoling him as I have experience with AWOL boyfriends. I'm really not. You've seen me. I handled it poorly. How am I supposed to control Rog when all it does is bring back some memories I'd rather leave in the past? So no, I'm far from a master at pretty assuages and assurances.

Should I be excited? Hooray! We have another thing to bond over. No no, that's horrible of me to say. Sorry.

From what I gathered through Roger's jittery story, Brian just f*cking ran away. Rog woke up, and Brian booked out of there with Freddie. I find that hard to believe. Brian's a good man. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that to us. Maybe Roger just misinterpreted the whole thing. The most likely event was that Freddie forced him captive.

I, I can't fathom Brian wanting to work for them. I've know him for too long to think he'd stand with the other side and their Godforsaken plans.

And yet, with my past experience, there's always that doubt I can't help but have. Freddie f*cked me up good. So much so that I'm doubting Brian's faithfulness to us. Maybe Roger, for once, is right. Maybe Brian really left us for the other side. I shuddered. The thought of that terrifies me.

Brian's the anchor to our entourage. Although it would be heartbreaking for him, our dear friend, to... to leave us... if you think about it from a professional stand point, he's the guy who always forms our plans. He's always one step ahead, and he will not stop until things work in our favor, I know that for sure. If he joins the other side, they've got a powerful man working for them.

And they'll turn him into what they made Freddie. They'll use him as a device to pit us into a deep, deep hole. They'll play with our emotions. And it'll be worse this time because if Roger is right, and he really betrayed us, then it means it was to his own will.

Because we found out that Freddie got brainwashed, right? Now, he's doing all this sh*t, but he was brainwashed into doing that sh*t. If Brian is a f*cking traitor, then he's doing this because it was his choice. He didn't need to be brainwashed into supporting their goddamn motives. It's sick! They're sick!

"John?" Roger paused mid-rant. "Are, are you even listening to me?!"

I wasn't. I got too caught up in my own thoughts. That's been a trend lately. I'd find myself zoning out and overthinking things while Brian and Rog would be thinking up plans. Today was a bit of an exception as this had been our first on-field mission in a while. It's quite the technical term "on-field," but I classify it as a planned mission that requires travel from base.

So, for example, that attack at the Coca Cola London Eye an eternity ago wouldn't be an on-field mission as we weren't notified of it ahead of time. That falls under "impromptu missions." Most of what we've been dealing with were impromptu missions when going against the other side in Singapore.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah! I was in the middle of ranting about how life was for me. It's a lot of thinking. Most of the time, that thinking results in recalling horrid past events and getting a bit lost in them. I'd be out of it for a while, it seems. Just thinking. Just remembering.

I certainly don't enjoy it, but it's become a new norm. I'd rather not tell the other two about what I've been having to deal with. We're usually candid with one another about we're going through as it is a tough time. But, I don't feel the need to tell them about it. I prefer to distance myself so I wouldn't bug them.