The Boy and his Beast

11. River sleep

(Benjamin's POV) 

Everything aches. I try to sink into the abyss again but I'm all rested out now. The black fog lingers in my eyes as I blink, but slowly I return to the world of the living. I don't want to be awake.

My body burns, sore and weak but restless. I hiss as I sit up and look out the glass doors. Behind the balcony railing the sky is darkening, the sun still up there but not far form the horizon. My feet slowly meet the cold floor and I get up. It hurts. 

The boy in the mirror is thin and ugly. He's only wearing a long-sleeved shirt; no underwear. Yesterday's shame is like an aura around him. Worthless slut. 

A prominent red mark with small lacerations glows, rosy on the skin of his parchment neck. Weakling. 

His wrist is blue from self harm and his eyes are swollen from crying. Disgusting whore. 

My clothes are on the floor where I tossed them yesterday and I cringe at the feeling of the rough jeans against my skin. I don't want to be here. 

Everything hurts. My body is still tired and sore but my mind is the worst. All the fight has run out. I can't think of any reason to keep trying. 

I found a mate. 

Sure, I'm probably safe from Ross and the Hellhounds but I will be trapped in a new pack now. The thought scares me. I don't trust werewolves. I don't trust alphas and the power they have over their subordinates. I don't want to go through that again. 

As I open the door I hear a noise and slam the door shut again, peeking out of the looking hole. Two small cubs run down the hall in human form, laughing and disappearing down the staircase. 

A part of me think it's cute but it also makes me sad to think of how powerless they are. What if the alpha or the other wolves decide to hurt them? 

I shudder as the memory of my first time takes me over. The darkness is blinding and I just freeze - just like I did back then. 

Gosh, it hurts so much. Is it supposed to hurt like this? What is this? Why does he want to do this to me? Why can't he let me go? Why won't he stop? Why does he have the right to do this? I don't want this!  

As I breathe the memory away I know I'm done. 

I don't want to remember that anymore.  

I walk slowly, taking my time on my way down the spiraling stairs. The building is well kept and clean though it still has that houndy smell. 

I hear families and happy people down the corridors. I don't want to hurt with jealousy anymore.  

No one stops me as I exit the house. No one even greets me though I pass quite a few. I must look like shit. 

I am shit. Worthless shit. 

It's evening. A few people are out but it's cold so no one lingers anywhere. 

I do. I look at the shops lining the street. I smell food but it all makes my stomach turn. I should be hungry, and my body is. It's desperate to feed but the need is nothing compared to the overwhelming pain of thinking. 

As I get closer to the river the city becomes more alive. The houses are taller and the cars are louder. The great bridge climb the air in a grey arch. The other side is far and the bridge is high. 

Only the wind tries to stop me as I make my way past the few pedestrians hurrying towards the other side. They want to get home. I want to stop this. 

The railing is sturdy and taller than me but I have a wolfy side that can climb a wall like this. 

I grab the cold metal with my hands. It hurts. It hurts like hell. 

I stand there looking at the distance. This city is beautiful; I really like it. I want to go back to my bookstore and see Ron again. I want to walk down the well lit streets and smell the humans as they live their hurried lives. I want to sit by this river and smell its dark water.  

I take it all in. The scent of the asphalt, the cars and the restaurants; the taste of the river, the fumes and the parks; the sound of the people, the buses and the wind. 

I'm done now. I don't want to be alive anymore. 

It hurts. The past in which Ross tainted me. The present in which I'm terrified. The future which I will never get to spend with Kell. 

I would love him... but I can't. I'm too scared. It's too painful. 

The heat was the final nudge. All I needed to fall over. 

My feet shoot from the ground and my body fly up the railing. The safety of the bridge disappears and I fall over the edge with cold air rummaging my clothes. 

Or so I would have if a pair of buff arms hadn't grabbed me midair. Kellan!  

No. It's not Kellan. 

"Hi there, Benny boy" he says and smashes my head against the steel railing.