The Boy and his Beast

21. Chains of misfortune

Benjamin's POV

I know it's a nightmare because I've had it a hundred times before. My mom is standing in the doorway of the hospital where I was left. I don't know what the hospital looks like, or my mom, but in my dream it's all vividly clear. 

She puts me down on a chair in the waiting room and asks me to be a good boy. Then she walks down the corridor and disappears. I wait. I cry. I bawl, but she doesn't come back. 

Suddenly I'm twelve and me and a few other boys from the group home are playing in the park. It's late and the sun is setting as one of them kicks me in the leg and runs off. A fit of rage takes hold of me and I fly after him growling with pointy teeth and a toung that's too big. He looks terrified and flees towards the others. 

I can tell my body isn't how it normally is, so I turn away and run into the trees as fast as I can. They call for me but I'm so upset I keep running. My clothes get stuck on the bushes and I loose them in the now thick forest. I'm running away, further than I ever could on two legs. 

Suddenly it's night and I'm at a small pond that smells of things that grow in still water. Slowly I tip toe to the rim of the pond. My refection is that of a monster. My eyes are green and thretening; my entire face is warped in a carnivorous snarl. It's horrendous. As I raise my head I see the moon reflected in the dark water. It looks at me with a merciless smile. 

Suddenly I'm not at the pond. I'm hungry and desperate and in front of me is another wolf. I remember not being scared of him back then. 

His fur is brown and clean and he looks well fed. I growl at him hoping it will scare him but Ross just stares at me. Three more wolves surround me and I can't do anything but follow them. 

Suddenly I'm at the Hellhounds. I'm bound at both hands and feet. It's steel chains meant to hold a big wolf. I'm just a young boy, crying from the icy touch of the steel. It's painful, degrading and horrifying. The bindings hold me firmly. They are inescapable. Chains of misfortune. Eternal misfortune. 

My misfortune. 

I wake up slick with sweat and gasping for air. My nails claw at my heaving chest and it takes a while for my shaking body to still. 

I know that the feeling of their hands on me is a phantom pain but the ache of my panic and the memories of the way they hurt me are way too real. With careful movements I raise myself from the bed and slink into the bathroom. I don't want to wake Kell up. I don't want him to see this. 

The face is the mirror is hideous and the shirt I'm wearing is all sweaty as it clings to my skeletal body. The skin under my eyes is purple and the rim of them is angrily red. Right now I'm in so much pain I can't think at all. All I know is that I need something to make the pain go away. I raise my trembling arm to open the cabinet. 

Painkillers, toothbrushes, floss, soap and other shit. No razor...

With a desperate ache rooted in my stomach I poke the door open. He's still asleep. 

I know what I need. As if my life depended on it I sneak through the room and out into the kitchen. The knives are in the top drawer. The black handle rests in my hand like a friend. 

On the balcony it's cool but not very windy. I shut the door carefully and look out over the city. It hurts. 

The buildings climb on each other like flowers towards the moon. It hurts with a crippling pain. 

The river crawls arount the center like a snake around its nest. It hurts so bad I have to do something. 

With the sound of cars rustling beneath me I sink to floor and grip the knife. The skin on my wrist looks pale and sick in the cool light of the full moon. I feel like it's infested with the hurtful memories just under the surface. 

Kellan's POV

I know it's a dream because Ben is dressed all in white and we are lying on a meadow under a warm summer sky. He is resting on my chest with his eyes closed and a content smile on his lips. It's a beautiful fantasy. 

The dun - dun - dun  of his heart is slow and sleepy as his finger draw patterns on my arm. I let my hand caress the curve of his waist and he raises his head to look at me. It's a playful smile, void of any fear or digust. 

My heart is thrilled as I roll on top of him and kiss him deeply. Our lips nibble at each other and our tongues melt together without a care. I feel his heartbeat quicken underneath me, but he keeps kissing and touching me. I grab at his flesh trying to get even closer. Suddenly he slips out from under me. 

I get up but he's already running down the field. I call for him but he keeps running and disappears into the woods. Suddenly I'm also there, chasing him. I run, bewildered, looking for him but he is nowhere to be found. I can smell him and feel the echo of his heart beating close, but I can't find him!

The dun-dun-dun is getting faster and I can tell he's panicked. I call for him and run as fast as I can but the trees around me all look the same. Fear grows inside my chest. Suddenly I smell something earthy and sweet. It's a sickening smell, the kind that flies are drawn to. 

The clump in my chest is drumming wildly at my ribs and I trip over a big branch, startled awake. 

Something is very wrong. It takes me less than half of a moment realize Ben is not on the other side of the bed. I can feel it however, the thumping of his heart. 

"BEN?!!!" 

As I fling the door open I'm met by the sight of my mate carving a deep gash into his wrist with a horrifyingly big knife. I fall to my knees beside him and carefully grab his hand with the knife. His ocean eyes are in so much pain they look like seas to drown in. 

"What are you doing?!" I plead and ease the weapon out of his trembling fingers. His lip quivers and tears slide down his cheeks. I can't tell if tries to answer me, because he bursts into a heavy crying that makes his whole body heave with sobs. 

I don't dare to hug him yet so I try pet his back but it doesn't work. He's too deep in pain to hear me. I take a deep breath. 

"If you wan't to die then you have to kill me first" I demand. With soft movements I wrap his limp hand around the handle of the knife. "Because I won't survive it if you leave me" I continue and lift his hand to aim it at my heart. 

A small spark is lighted in his eyes. It's a spark of pain and fear, but not of me, of something different. 

"Kill me" I growl at him but my voice breaks and I feel my eyes water. His face is wet from sorrow and his wonderful eyes are full of demons. It hurts so much to see him like this. 

"Stop it!" he begs me but I can't, not until he realizes. 

"Kill me!" I demand and press the egde of the blade against my heart. It stings a little, but nothing compared to seeing Benjamin hurting himself. His mesmerizing blue eyes are scared but they still stare at me with resolution. With a deep breath I push the knife into my chest. 

But I'm met with resistance. Ben's little hand pull the kife out out of my torso before I manage to stab myself. His body flings backwards and the knife clutters as it hits the floor and slides away. 

Ben is breathing very hard and I can hear the dun-dun-dun of his heart. His eyes are red and blue and dripping with regret. 

"Benjamin" I whisper and reach for him. He shudders but doesn't resist me as I wrap myself around him. His little breaths are shaky and he grabs my arm tightly with a desperate grip. 

"Kell... I-I... I don't..." He can't finish what he is saying because he is so out of breath. 

"It's OK, baby. I'm fine. It's going to be OK. No one is going to die. Right?" I promt. It hurts me to scare him with something this painful, but I don't know how else to make him stop. 

"No one is going to die..." he mumbles and sqeezes my arm.