feelings | cranksepticeye

14 - getting caught

everybody had gone to bed. they had stayed up for about two more hours, telling stories and playing games like truth or dare, but that quickly got boring, so they just decided to get some sleep. seán and ethan, however, were still awake.

they were on the bed together in mark's guest room, seán lying down on top of the quilt whilst ethan sat there and stared at him. seán was pretty out of it, ethan was just tired.

"ethan..lay down with me.." seán suddenly instructed. ethan didn't know what to say, so he just said nothing, and did as he was told. he lay beside the drunk boy next to him, turning to face him.

"have you been in a lot of relationships?" seán asked. relationships? ethan had kind of forgotten those were a thing.

"no. i've been in one, but it only lasted for about a week. why?" he put his hands behind his head and let out a huge sigh.

"it's just...i don't know what to do about me and felix. things are a bit weird." ethan has also forgotten about seán and felix being a thing for a little while. he knew they were going through a tough time, and he knew about felix's assumptions, on how he thought seán was going to end their relationship.

"have you talked to him since you two argued?" ethan asked.

"just me telling him to go away and that i'd talk to him later. he's still sending me messages. he won't leave me alone...but in all honesty, i don't blame him." he began to look sad, and that tugged at ethan's heartstrings a little bit.

"you don't?"

"no. i mean, after all, with what we argued about i assume he's pretty scared..i would be if i was him."

"he is scared. i know he is." seán looked up at ethan with wide eyes and sat up slightly.

"what? have you talked to him?" he asked. ethan shuffled forward a little and lowered his voice.

"he spoke to me the other day about what's been going on between you two. he's really paranoid and he thinks you're going to break up with him." seán lowered his body back down and stared at the ceiling, before putting his hands over his eyes.

"are you going to break up with him?" ethan asked, curiously.

"i don't want to. i don't want to hurt him, and i really shouldn't let this one thing end our relationship...but it keeps crossing my mind and now i'm starting to think about it more than i should."

"but you love him...right?" ethan asked, waiting for an answer.

"i don't know anymore. all i know is that i don't want to hurt him." he sighed again and that's when seán stopped talking. there was nothing else that he wanted to say. ethan rattled his brain for something to say. it took a while to conjure something up that wasn't too cheesy, or sounded completely stupid.

"you keep saying you don't want to hurt him, but i think whatever happens from this point is going to hurt somebody. if you really genuinely feel different about him, then you should go with your gut and end the relationship. i know you're worried about hurting him by doing that, but you'd be hurting him if you stayed with him too. if you do still love him, then by all means, stay with him. but if you don't, then it's just best for the both of you to give it up."

seán looked up at ethan, staring into his eyes, not saying a word. he slowly sat up, remaining silent as he did so. ethan didn't know wether to speak or wether to stay quiet. he was starting to get worried that what he just said had somehow made seán angry or disappointed or even more upset. for a few seconds, seán just sat there, staring at ethan, still saying nothing. then, ethan felt a cold hand touch his cheek, before feeling a pair of warm lips against his own. seán's lips. ethan had never kissed anybody before. he was scared. his palms grew clammy and his heart began to race. he was shaking and felt like he was growing short of breath. of course i don't have my inhaler.

"it's ok. just do what i do." seán said as he pulled away, giving ethan some time to breathe. but shortly after, their lips were connected once more. and this time, ethan made an attempt at kissing seán back. he didn't know if he was doing it right, as he wasn't getting a lot of feedback. but judging by the fact that seán wasn't stopping, and the kiss was only getting deeper, ethan assumed that he wasn't doing that bad.

ethan felt a pair of hands on his shoulders. it startled him, but he tried not to let that show. he was slowly being pushed down onto the bed. eventually, his back was against the mattress, and seán was above him, the two still kissing. seán's hands wandered until he found ethan's own, grabbing them, their fingers interlocking. to ethan, this whole thing was confusing, but felt like pure bliss.

then, he heard a door open, and not long after felt seán move away from him. ethan sat up and realised that there was another person standing in the doorway, their jaw reaching the floor. seán and ethan exchanged nervous glances, not knowing what to say to mark, who's expression grew more and more serious and angry the longer he stood there.

"you." mark pointed at seán. not ethan, just seán.

"we're talking about this in the morning. after all the guys have left. after he has left." then he pointed at ethan. getting referred to as 'he' for whatever reason hurt ethan. seán didn't say anything in response. he just nodded slowly. after staring at the two boys for a few more seconds, mark slowly shut the door, and left.

"we should go to sleep now." seán suggested after what felt like an eternity of silence. ethan agreed, and as soon as the light was turned off the two jumped into bed, facing away from each other, saying as far away from each other as they possibly could. they had been caught doing something they never thought they'd do together. ethan didn't sleep that night, because the entire time he couldn't stop thinking about how this one thing was going to ruin everything he had going for him.