feelings | cranksepticeye

15 - reassurance

the following day was anything but comfortable. when seán and ethan woke up, they didn't say a word to each other. ethan wanted to say something so badly, but he was too scared, and there was nothing he could have said anyway. nothing would have made the situation any better. when ethan opened his eyes that morning, seán was already wide awake. he must have been for quite a while.

he soon noticed that ethan had woken up, and immediately jumped out of bed, not even bothering to say good morning. he grabbed his bag and entered the en suite, presumably to get changed. he probably wants to leave as soon as possible...

ethan didn't know what to do, or where to go. he recalled where the bathroom was and went to check if it was occupied. luckily, it was vacant, so he grabbed his bag and walked inside, locking the door behind him. there were plenty of reasons for why he was in there: to get away from the awkwardness between him and seán, to get ready to go back home, to be alone, and to cry.

just thinking about the events that had unfolded the night before made his heart race, but mainly for bad reasons. he knew that seán didn't kiss him because he genuinely liked him or because he was attracted to him. he was just using him. he was just doing it to get over all of the chaos happening with felix. and now things were most likely going to be super awkward between not just them, but him and mark. after all, he had walked in on them kissing, and he didn't sound all too pleased when he did. he knew that everything he had was gone now. all because of some stupid kiss.

as he cried silently into his soft hands, he began to feel less upset, and more angry. not at mark. not at felix. but at seán. ethan began to tell himself that it was his fault all of this was happening. it was seán who initiated it, not him. and if ethan did lose everything, that would be seán's fault as well.

he decided to actually start getting changed and ready to leave. he wanted to leave as soon as possible as well so that he could go home and cry even more about the whole thing.

as he got dressed, his anger was redirected at himself. he was stupid enough to let it all happen, to kiss seán back. he was dumb to even have any sort of feelings or have any sort of attraction to him in the first place. he didn't put a stop to it, he didn't say no, he didn't pull away. so really, it was all ethan's fault.

finally he was ready, and he took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door to leave. standing outside was mark.

"morning." he greeted the smaller male. ethan began to shake in anxiety.

"m-morning..." he tried to rush past mark and get out, but he was stopped.

"can i just say something real quick?" mark asked, forcing ethan back into the bathroom and shutting the door behind them.

"s-sure..." at this point ethan was trembling, wanting to get away more than anything else in the world.

"you don't have to worry about what happened last night. you're not the one i'm mad at." ethan was instantly confused. mark wasn't mad at him...but he was at seán. how did that make any sense?

"i'm not?" ethan asked, feeling a bit unsure.

"no. i know exactly what seán's doing...he's done this before. he always does. he gets into these relationships and then as soon as one thing goes wrong he starts making moves on other people despite still being taken by the person he's having trouble with. and it's always people like you that he messes around with." ethan raised an eyebrow, not quite knowing what mark actually meant.

"what do you mean by 'people like me'?"

"you know...vulnerable people. people who won't argue, don't defend themselves, shy people, people who are naive. he uses them to get off when he's going through a rough patch with whoever he's dating." mark's statements only proved ethan's theory. he was just a toy. he was just being used.

"i don't mean to talk about him in such a negative way...i mean, i love him a lot. he's my best friend and he's a nice guy for the most part...but he's a little emotionally unstable. he may not seem like it, but he is. i've told him that numerous times, but he doesn't believe me and just yells at me, so i've given up." seán didn't seem emotionally unstable. he seemed like a mentally healthy guy who was happy, sane and in a good mindset. ethan thought that mark was over exaggerating when he said that seán was emotionally unstable.

"i'm sorry he used you like that bud. but like i said, this isn't the first time he's done it." ethan nodded slowly as mark smiled at him before walking away. well, if ethan didn't have enough reasons to cry before, he did now. he checked his bag and made sure everything was in there, which it was. he was ready to leave. he didn't bother saying goodbye to everyone. there was no point.

he headed down the stairs and towards the front door, his head pounding more and more every time he took a step. it had only just come to him now how badly his head was hurting, and this just made him feel incredibly lightheaded. he shook it off and tried to think nothing off it. he grabbed the door handle and swung the front door open. he was about to step out when he heard someone calling him.

"ethan!" he turned around and there was seán, jogging down the stairs to catch up. ethan didn't know wether to stay where he was or leave anyway.

"um...can we talk?" seán asked, now standing in front of the smaller male.

"no. i've gotta get back home." ethan replied coldly, turning away.

"well, if you can't talk now, what about tomorrow after school? or later today? later today works out better. i have my address here..." ethan turned back around to have a small piece of paper placed in his hand. he placed it in his pocket, not bothering to look at the writing on it.

"just drop in at any point today or tomorrow, i'll answer the door and let you in." ethan knew he wasn't going to go, but he just nodded his head anyway. all he wanted to do was leave and go home.

"well...see you later i guess..." seán said quietly whilst waving. ethan waved back unenthusiastically before turning away and finally leaving to go home.