feelings | cranksepticeye

19 - no apology is good enough

"i've told you a million times that i'm sorry!" 

"i don't care! you could say it to me a billion times and it wouldn't make an ounce of difference! apologising doesn't change the fact that you cheated on me, no matter how many times you do it. and you won't even tell me who you did it with...so you're still lying to me, you're still hiding stuff from me!" felix yelled down the phone. seán was laying on his bed, tears streaming uncontrollably down his face. he had been talking to felix for about 15 minutes now, explaining what had happened on that saturday night. he started the call shortly after ethan left, and boy did he wish ethan was there with him when it began.

"i don't want them to get in trouble." seán replied, his voice quivering as he spoke.

"clearly they don't care about getting in trouble if they were busy kissing you on saturday night."

"it wasn't their fault! i kissed them, not the other way around!" seán argued back. he didn't want ethan to get in any sort of trouble with anybody for what had happened. if he did, seán could possibly lose him too.

"they still kissed you back though didn't they? they still let it happen!" there was no winning here. seán promised himself that he wouldn't mention ethan whatsoever. no matter what felix said or did, he would not bring ethan up. it wasn't his fault that seán did a stupid thing and kissed the guy.

"they don't deserve to get in trouble for thi-"

"that's bullshit. everything you've ever said is bullshit. all of your apologies, all of the times you told me that you loved me, that you cared about me, that you would never do me wrong. it was all just a load of bullshit. and now here i am on a phone call with you being told that i've been cheated on by some mystery person you won't tell me about. some boyfriend you are." seán didn't know what to say. so he said nothing. all he could do was cry in anger and shame. the only person he was angry at was himself. not felix, not ethan, not mark; just himself.

"well...some boyfriend you were, anyway..." on the other end, felix's voice finally broke and he could no longer contain his emotions.

"i thought you were a good guy seán...that's what everyone calls you, right? a good guy? maybe if they all knew what you've done, they'd change their minds. i never wanted to tell you this...but i don't want to be with you anymore." felix burst into tears as soon as he spoke that final sentence. seán just stared at his phone in shock, not able to move, or speak. he couldn't even cry anymore. he was paralysed. numb.

"it was nice while it lasted though, right? goodbye seán. thanks for fucking me over like this." he didn't even get to reply, or say sorry for one last time, for felix ended the call as soon as he was finished speaking. seán was feeling a range of emotions all at once...anger, sadness, disappointment, shame, shock, embarrassment. he picked up his phone, and threw it across the room at one of his walls in a fit of rage. he didn't care if it smashed or got broken. he was too angry to give a shit.

he wiped his teary eyes and took sharp breaths, trying his hardest to calm himself down. nothing he tried worked. he only ended up making himself worse. he had never hated himself so much before in his entire life. how could he have let this all happen? it was his fault. everything.

and he now knew that he would have to live with that.