feelings | cranksepticeye

18 - talking about it

seán allowed ethan to enter his room as the taller boy shut the door behind him. ethan stood in the centre, observing the decor and the overall look. seán stared at him, still stood by the door, not daring to move. the two stood in silence for so long, neither of them knowing what to do or say. seán knew he had to say something soon. ethan definitely wouldn't be the first one to speak, and he would probably leave if seán didn't do something soon.

"i didn't think you'd actually come.." was the only thing he could think of. ethan turned to face the other boy and sighed, looking at the floor.

"i thought it'd be rude to ignore you so...here i am." seán nodded slowly, putting his hands in his pockets.

"you can uh...sit if you want.." seán offered. ethan looked around and noticed the bed behind him. he smiled at the boy weakly and sat down, gazing down at the floor the entire time.

"are you okay?" he suddenly asked.

"yeah...i'm good." that was a lie. seán was in fact incredibly far from okay. this was the worst he had felt in a while. all of the stress from his feelings changing for felix, him and ethan kissing the night before, mark threatening to not be friends with him, the thought of losing his best friends, it was all getting the best of him. but like always, he was going to try and not let it show, for the sake of everybody else.

"okay...so uh...what did you want me to come here for anyway?" seán had kind of forgotten that he had invited ethan over to his house for a reason: to talk about that stupid kiss. he edged over to ethan slowly, sitting down on the bed next to him, making sure there was some distance between them.

"i wanted to talk to you...about what happened last night..." ethan looked down immediately, messing with his hair and biting on his fingernails anxiously.

"i guessed it would be...there was something i was thinking about not bringing up but since we're going to be talking about it anyway i feel like i might as well..." seán stared at the nervous boy, waiting for him to continue.

"what is it?" he asked. ethan sighed before looking up at seán, into his eyes.

"i know you only did that because of what's happening with you and felix..." seán raised an eyebrow, feeling confused.

"what do you mean?"

"i mean you only kissed me because you feel bad about your feelings for felix changing. you needed to do something, anything to forget about it all for even just a second. that kiss didn't mean anything to you, and i know even if we were to do it again at some other point in life, it still wouldn't. you did it for some time away from the confusion you're facing in your relationship. you did it to me because i'm vulnerable, and you know that. you used me."

seán was shocked. he didn't know what to say. he really was lost for words, he was completely speechless. ethan really never seemed like a person who was that good with confrontation.

"i...you're wrong.." ethan started to look a little bit irritated.

"i'm not. mark told me himself. apparently this is something you always do. you hit a tough spot in a relationship and you use someone else in whatever way to get over it. and that person is always a person like me." seán stood up and began pacing around his room, his heart racing just like it did when he had that argument with mark.

"okay...i'll admit that i've done some bad things. i have 'used people' in the past. but that's not what i did to you. what happened last night was nothing to do with felix. i didn't kiss you because i was feeling bad."

"then why did you do it?"

"i don't know!" seán yelled, a little too loudly and angrily. ethan put his head in his hands immediately, not looking back up once. seán heard a sniffle come from him, and his heart began to ache when he realised ethan was crying. he went over to him straight away and sat back down next to him. except this time, he left no distance between them.

"ethan...i'm sorry...i didn't mean to-" he looked up at me, wiping his teary eyes.

"don't apologise. i should apologise for acting like such a wimp."

"you're not acting like a wimp."

"i am. i'm just really sensitive...i always have been. being shouted at really upsets me.." seán didn't know what to do to make the crying boy feel better.

"i'm sorry...i didn't mean to upset you. i'd never want to hurt you. i like you a lot. i don't want to make you feel bad. i'm just stressed out. me and mark had an argument after you left about what happened...i'm scared to tell felix about what we did, but i know i have to do it. i feel horrible for dragging you into a situation you never deserved to be involved with in the first place..." ethan looked up and smiled weakly.

"i understand. i really do. i'm not mad at you or upset with you to be honest...mark told me a lot of things that kind of got to my head."

"yeah...i just don't know what to do about felix...i have no idea how to tell him.."

"just explain what happened and tell him that you're sorry. it's also probably a good idea if you explain how you feel about him." seán nodded and took ethan's advice in.

"yeah, that's a good idea. thanks." ethan smiled again.

"no problem." seán knew he wanted to hug ethan then and there. and ethan knew he wanted to do the exact same thing to the boy sitting next to him. but neither of them had the courage to do it; they just couldn't. so instead they sat in silence, just enjoying each other's company a little less than they would if they were holding each other.