feelings | cranksepticeye

26 - going back home

he ran home before any of the other teachers could catch on or before his maths teacher went looking for him. he lied to the school nurse saying he was sick and that his mother had given him permission to walk home. his mother had no idea he was going to be coming home so early. what would he say? what would he do? would he just lie?

seán never knew that one day could be so fucking dreadful. he was exhausted after only half a day of pure torment. he was mentally drained. he was still shocked by his attack on greg and terrified about what his mother would say when she found out. she'd probably hate him for hurting another student like that.

as he continued his incredibly fast paced walk he found himself not wanting to go home either, but he had to go somewhere, and he certainly couldn't go back to school. it wasn't like he wanted to anyway. the boy continuously thought about what his mother would say about all this. he didn't want to anger or disappoint her; she was all he had left.

his emotions and his struggles were beginning to suffocate him and his chest began to feel tight. tears filled his eyes until they fished down his cheeks like a waterfall. he picked up his pace and was soon running, as if he were trying to literally run away from his problems. seán wished he'd never kissed ethan on that night. he wished that he'd never even gone to that stupid party. he wished he'd never put so much trust in that new kid. he wished he'd never met ethan.

seán thought about an alternate reality where he'd never met ethan, a reality in which he wasn't allocated to be his last minute buddy. if that hadn't had happened, the two most likely wouldn't have become friends. seán wouldn't have kissed him, meaning he'd still be dating felix and he'd still have his best friends to hang out with. but no, ethan just had to get in the way. why did he have to move? and why to sean's school?

seán couldn't understand why it had to be him, why it had to be ethan that made him screw things up. seán knew deep down that his change in his feelings for felix had something to do with ethan, and he was suspecting the worst. he didn't want to love ethan. he didn't want to be in love with him. but seán was afraid that that was actually the case. and if so, there wouldn't really be much he could do about it.

finally, the boy had reached his home. the plan was to rush inside, into his room and to ignore his mother for as long as humanely possible. he took a deep breath and opened the front door, his heart racing rapidly when he saw his mother standing in the hallway. he shut the door slowly, his breathing getting heavier. he noticed that she was on the phone.

"yep...yep...he just came home, about a second ago...hold on a second-" she muted the call and took the phone away from her ear, attaching her eyes to her sons.

"i have the school on the phone. apparently somethings happened. i'd much rather hear it from you than them." seán looked around, hopelessly looking for an answer or some guidance. as if that was going to happen any time soon. he looked into his mother's concerned yet slightly irritated gaze. she was going to hate him after this. he knew it.

he found that he could no longer keep up the charade and his emotions got the best of him. once again tears began to fall down his face as he stared down at the floor, ashamed to look at his mother.

"um...y-yeah, i'll call you back." she ended the call and placed the phone in her pocket, rushing over to her crying son.

"seán? what is it? come on, you can tell me." seán put his head in his hands and sniffled, choking on his tears every now and again.

"i can't go back mom. they hate me. they all do!" the distraught boy cried, getting more and more upset as he spoke.

"what? who hates you?"

"everyone! i have nobody left!"

"i'm sure that's not true. what's happened?" seán looked up at his mother to see that she didn't look angry or disappointed. she just looked scared. scared for her only son.

"i'm horrible. i'm so horrible..." after that seán could no longer speak; he could only cry. he collapsed and fell to his knees, overcome by the waves of sadness defeating him. his mother knelt down besides him, wrapping her arms around the crying boy, cradling him as if he were a baby. to her, he still was her baby. and all she wanted to do was protect him from all the pain, all the harm, all the lies in the world.

"i don't like it here anymore." she heard her son mumble.

"don't like it where? at home?" she felt him shake his head.

"then where?" she asked, worried.

he never even gave her a response.