Triple Life (#Wattys2015)

Ch 38

 Letting Go

Letting go is quite the hardest thing ever someone's got to do. It means fighting with your inner self and your heart and just reaching to the most logical answer. No matter how many degrees we acquire, how good we are in studies, how many good qualities inculcated in us, how popular we are...there are times when what we desire isn't reachable. It maybe some kind of talent, some kind of life, some person and the list can go on. They can sometimes be quite hard to reach or maybe even if it is within your reach, you just can't seem to grasp it. There maybe lots of obstacles preventing you from reaching it and though how many quotes you read on not quitting, the most logical thing to do is to quit. We may let go, we may give up; yet our heart never stops desiring. Our mind and heart are in a constant battle on deciding what we are to do and what we want. It's the same for everyone no matter what age you are.

As many quotes out there on not quitting, there are also quotes on letting go. Sometimes the best for you is to just let go. If there is another person involved and you are to let go of that person, it maybe also in the best interests of the said person. We let go because of fear, cowardice, protectiveness and mostly, love. We may let go and pretend to be happy and not care about it but in reality, inside we are broken and crying. No matter how logical some things may be, our hearts just cannot comprehend making us wallow in grief for a long time. 'Letting go' isn't just two words, they are words that may mean freedom and happiness or grief and loneliness.

 

After I finished typing the last two paragraphs of a chapter in my book 'Letting Go', I read the whole chapter correcting the errors I made. As I read the last two paragraphs, tears prickled in my eyes. Didn't I do the same thing? Didn't I just let go of one of the most important people in my life? It may have been logical and all and I may pretend that Allison and Adrian being together doesn't bother me but no matter how logical my decision is, I wish I really could feel like Adrian and Allison being together is just fine but no, to tell the truth I feel real jealous. I reminsced the memory most of the time and wondered whether there was any way I could have changed it. If I said something different or if I did something different or if I...there were lots of 'if' questions in my head and I guess my feelings have completely creeped into my writing. I sighed as I clicked on the 'Publish' button and logged out. I put my laptop to sleep and climbed onto my bed.

I drew my knees up and rested my head on top of it. I hated how much I broke down whenever I was alone and remembered Adrian and that fateful day.

"What's wrong with you?!" I screamed at myself, feeling angry and helpless.

I hated feeling so gloomy and sad and helpless because I was usually a cheery girl. I just couldn't help my moods. Hayley, Anna, Frannie, Michelle, Roxy and Miles knew about it. So did Ria and Carlo but they were sensible enough not to ask me anything. They were there whenever I needed any comfort but they never pressed me into spillling stuff that was bound to get me more worked up.

I was brought out of musings by 'Someone's Watching Over Me' ringtone on my phone. I didn't check the caller ID and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hel-oh my Belle, is that you?" I recognized it as Anna's voice.

"Yeah Anna, why?" My voice sounded quite nasal, like it would after I cry.

"Have you- have you been crying again?" Anna asked me in a concerned tone.

I figured lying would do me no good "Uh yeah." I admitted sheepishly,

"I'll be there with the gang in 10! Be strong until then Belle!" Anna said as she hung up.

I looked at my phone confused at Anna suddenly hanging up because she didn't say a 'Bye!'. She usually did. Call me crazy, but I do like the byes at the end of a phone conversation and Anna never would hang up without saying it.