Birds of a Feather Flock Together

2

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D: Female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
W: Same

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D: Me: *sees a white boy* *locks car doors*
D: White boy: *knocks on window* what would you be doing if I was in there with you ;)

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W: I wanna be rich enough to eat out every night
D: It's simple
D: Just become a lesbian

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D: How to do the sex:
D: ● Hold hands
D: that's it that is the sex, enjoy
W: When I was in 6th grade this girl spread rumors that she was pregnant with triplets and even pretended to have contractions in class but when we asked her how she got pregnant she said she held hands with her boyfriend and his sweat got through her pores and impregnated her
D: Is that not how it works

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W: This one time when I was about 13 I got swine flu and had to stay off school for 2 weeks
W: While I was off somebody spread a rumor that I had been hit by a truck and died
W: So when I came back into school I walked into English class and everybody started screaming and I cried

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D: I just heard a blood curdling scream from my sisters room so I ran in there all worried and she looks up from her laptop and whispered, "I liked one of his photos from 2009"

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D: Porn is too much
D: Someone could have eaten those apples, but instead you decided to put them all in your asshole?
D: Who will eat them now?
D: I won't
W: What kind of porn have you been watching

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R: I had 3 stitches in my ear today and now my ear is swollen like a balloon
D: I'm not being racist but if you didn't want your ear to swell up you probably shouldn't have gotten stitches
R: How is that racist
W: They just said they weren't being racist do you even listen
D: I'm not gay, but I really think cats deserve a chance to be in the Olympics
R: This entire conversation is the exact reason why I quit drugs

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D: Teacher: there's no such thing as a stupid question
D: Me: are sharks just mean dolphins
D: Teacher: ok I was wrong

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D: What if we feel pain in some parts of our body 24/7 since we were born but we just accepted it and now we feel nothing and that's why babies cry so much
W: Dude
D: What
W: Dude

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W: Russia coming 15 minutes late to the 1917 revolution holding a tsarbucks
D: 15 minutes late they clearly weren't
D: Russian
W: Looks like they were
W: Stalin
R: You guys are Putin way too much time into this
D: If this is a pun war
D: Soviet

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D: Bruce I don't need "the talk" i've played the sims I know how babies are made
D: What do you mean you dont hide under the sheets with someone and yell woohoo

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W: Can you imagine if Twitter existed in the 1800s
W: Abe Lincoln tweeting shit like "wow this play sucks just shoot me"
D: Too soon
W: HE WAS SHOT IN 1865

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W: I hate it when people say "I'm Spanish"
W: Like no that's a language not a nationality
D: Boy have I got news for you about a country called Spain

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W: That awkward shiver that makes me look like I'm being possessed by satan
D: That awkward shiver that make the person I'm possessing look cold
W: Oh my god

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D: If there's a "heavens no" and a "hell yes"
D: Why isn't there a "purgatory maybe"
W: PURGHAPS

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D: Last year I was eating at a large, fancy restaurant when I began to hear a rumble and the distant sound of people chanting 'potassium, potassium' and suddenly hundreds of people dressed as bananas flood this restaurant chanting potassium over and over and we were trapped there for a very long time because the bananas would not leave and they were everywhere

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D: One time I forced Alfed to play pokemon for at least half an hour and all he did was catch a butterfree and name it low fat

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W: Spoons are just little bowls on sticks
D: What have you done

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W: I wish medusa would stop objectifying people
D: Goddamn it

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W: Isn't it weird that we pay money to see other human beings?
D: Do you mean prostitution, the movies, or airplane tickets?
W: Glasses

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W: My mum wouldn't let me get a ferret when I was younger because she thought it would turn me gay
W: Well guess what mum it wasn't the ferret that did it

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D: Today in AP Bio we were talking about how some animals have anti-freeze compounds in their blood to keep them warm, and this kid leaned over to me and whispered
D: "Canadians"

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D: I'm gonna start answering Bruce how Donald Trump answers questions
W: How does he answer questions?
D: Well there's a lot of ways he answers and a lot of questions that need to be answered and one of my close friends asks me, a good friend, he says, and I tell ya he's a good, close friend, he says are we gonna answer some questions and you see this guy and this guys got some real questions to answer *wave hand*, we've got a lot of real, important …. goood questions to answer

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W: If it excites you and scares the crap out of you at the same time
W: That means you should probably do it
D: Time to fuck a blender
W: Wait no

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W: Today I put my hand in my backpack and felt a stress ball and I was like " oh? I have a stress ball?"
W: And I squeezed it and it was a pear and it exploded and now I'm much more stressed than I was before

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