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R: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me
D: Okay, but in my defense, Ivy bet me 5 dollars that I couldn’t drink all that shampoo
R: That’s not what I wanted to -
R: You drank SHAMPOO?!

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D: “Hello Dick? My hands are stuck in Pringles tubes ... both hands, yes …”
D: “Look, it’s not important how I dialed the number, just send help”

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W: I hate you!
D: Jokes on you fucker
D: Nobody can hate me more than I already hate myself
W: ...Babe, we talked about this...

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D: Why won’t Tim talk to you?
J: I walked in on him while he was in the shower
D: Huh that’s weird
D: Usually, he doesn't care about being seen naked
J: The odd thing is...he wasn't naked
J: He was fully clothed and eating mayonnaise

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T: Hewwo! I will be your suwgeon today! Intewnal bweeding you say?
T: Let’s make ouw fiwst wittle incision :B
W: Dowcto wewre loswing him!!!( ´・ω・`)
T: Quick! Hand me the defibwiwatow!!
D: Please
D: Turn off my fucking life support

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R: Dick hasn't eaten anything but Easy Cheese and weed brownies for the past three days
D: He thinks it been three days, it's actually been three weeks

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R: Dick: is this peanut-free? My brother has an allergy
R: Store Clerk: that peanut is not free, that’ll be a dollar
R: Dick, getting out a dollar: you’re lucky I hate my brother so much

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W: Yeah, well, my dad was not a man
W: He was a one-star Yelp review come to life

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D: Wait, you guys think I’m emotionless?
J: I’ve seen you emote once in my life
D: Good. Tell no one

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J: Anything?
D: They’ve found a dollar on the pavement and almost killed each other over it because there was a vending machine nearby

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W: You look stressed
D: Thanks it's the stress

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D:  Let’s get to business
W: It is August
D: Halloween is around the corner
D: I need to be prepared
W: It’s August
D: Details aren’t important
W: Not even Labor Day yet

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W: "You’re really mature for your age"
W: "Thanks, it’s the trauma"

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W: Putting “uwu” at the end of a sentence makes the sentence cute and harmless
D: I love you uwu
W: I just got food uwu
D: I’ll fucking murder you uwu
W: Please don’t do that uwu
D: No promises uwu

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D: You were right, Wally
D: I needed to let my baby birds fly
D: My bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings
D: Sometimes, you’ve got to push them out the window

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D: What was it you were hoping I’d bring to the table - quiet obedience?
D: No
D: I bring the storm, I bring chaos and your imminent destruction
D: You made a mistake
R: Dick please, can’t we have a normal dinner for once?

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W: I bet you can’t make a sentence without using the letter ‘A’
D: You thought you just did something, didn’t you? Well sorry to burst your bubble but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon
W: Whot in fuck

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D: The human life is a straining and tense one
D: I envy the life of a smooth rock resting on the beach… warmed by the sun… unaware of the trials and tribulations of sentient life…
W: Do you need to talk?
D: I wish I was a croissant

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W: Tim: what if I pour coffee in my cereal instead of milk?
W: Dick, taking the coffee pot as he walks by: what if you don’t

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D: You don’t get to pin this break-in on me
R: But you were the one who broke in!

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R: Why are you awake so early?
D: Who said I went to sleep?

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W: Dick, I think we should break up
D: If you dare say those words to me again I will make your disappearance look like a murder

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W: I WISH I HAD TWO THOUSAND LEGS, SO I COULD SHOVE FIVE HUNDRED OF THEM IN EACH OF YOUR ASSES! - Dick at some point probably

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W: What is Dick allergic to?
R: The entire spectrum of human emotion

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W: Do you have any healthy stress outlets?
D: Screaming
D: Manipulation
D: Murder
W: …
W: Ok, so we have screaming

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R: If I have to clean one more bloodstain from this rug, I’m gonna murder someone
D: Sounds a little counterproductive

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D: How many hours did I sleep this week?
D: Well… That’s just my sexy little secret
W: … How many hours did you sleep?
D: Sometimes my eyes close when I yawn

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D: Do you have a lighter?
W: No, I don't smoke
R: I have one
D: Thanks
R: I don't smoke either, I just like melting stuff

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D: No logical thinking, we die like horror movie protagonists!

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D: I am filled with hate...but in a cute way

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W: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog" and that pleases me
D: How did either of these sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?

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D: As long as I can swing a really big sword it doesn’t even matter if anyone loves me or not

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D: Live fast, die young and leave a pretty corpse
D: That’s what I always say
R: You should say something else

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D: My aesthetic is ‘would be suspected of witchcraft by a small town’

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D: I'm ambidextrous
W: Good for you, Dick! Love who you love

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D: ‘Home invader’ sounds harsh
D: I prefer the term ‘spontaneous visitor’

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D: I scare people lots because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms so when they turn around I'm just kinda there and their fear fuels me
W: When did you get here?!
D: Exactly

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D: Look, I’m going to be frank about this-
W: Okay, but can I still be Wally?

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D: He shot at me, so I did what had to be done
W: Called for help?
D: Stabbed him in the shoulder

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