Birds of a Feather Flock Together

3

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W: A strip club but instead of naked women it's cute dogs that you give dog treats to for them to do tricks

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D: Why do old people drive slow they barely have any time left like GOOOOO you're dying

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D: NUTRITION FACT
D: If you drink a gallon of water per day, you won't have time for other people's drama because you'll be to busy peeing
D: Stay hydrated

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W: Imagine if you sneezed and than spoke another language for the rest of your life

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D: h is a little chair
W: Why did it take me so long to understand this

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D: Say "I hate happiness" without the 'h' sound

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D: Hahahaha you came out of a vagina
W: C-section ftw
D: You were never born than
D: Just removed
W: Ouch
D: Happy removal day, tumor baby

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D: Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car
D: Me: *pulls out a flower pot* oh you mean this?
D: Cop: *laughing* my mistake, what are ya growing?
D: Me: weed

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W: Throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up
W: Throwing handles at people who need to get a grip
W: Throwing a refrigerator at people who need to chill
R: Throwing scissors at people who need to cut it out
W: Throwing clocks at people who need to get with the times
W: Throwing matches at people who need to get fired up
D: Throwing a brick at someone to kill them

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D: BRUCE TOLD TIM NOT TO SAY THE WORD DESSERT ANYMORE SO HE NICKNAMED IT "THE BIG D"
D: EVERY NIGHT HE COMES IN AFTER DINNER AND ASKS "Can I have the big D now?"
D: AND I ALWAYS START CHOKING ON MY FOOD

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D: An asexual falls into a river
D: Still isn't wet

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W: Ah yes the three most important revolutions, the Russian, French and dance dance

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D: Someone is going to say " I have to go to the moon" in a bored, defeated tone one day

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D: Omg
D: I was talking to Bruce and I went "omg I haven't shaved my legs for 2 weeks"
D: Than his face just dropped like he'd seen a ghost and he gasped than looked at me and whispered "I completely forgot to shave my legs for 41 years"

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D: OMG
D: So I just figured out the word "hurt"
D: It's past, present and future
D: You will be hurt
D: You are hurt
D: You were hurt
D: BECAUSE IF SOMETHING TRULY HURT, IT NEVER REALLY STOPS
R: You poetic little shit
W: It's because
W: It's an adjective
D: You will be stupid
D: You are stupid
D: You were stupid
W: That hurt

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D: Life hack: if someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, "I don't get it, can you explain it"
D: Than watch them crash and burn

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D: Sometimes I English very well but sometimes no

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W: If you ever feel bad about yourself remember that George Bush was once informed that 4 Brazilian people were killed in Iraq and he responded "how many is a brazilian"

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W: So I'm at the gas station getting RED BALL AND THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME IS TRYING TO GET CONDOMS AND HIS CARD GOT FUCKING DECLINED AND THE LITTLE OLD WOMAN BEHIND ME WHISPEREd "he just got cock blocked by visa"
W: I FUCKING SHAT MYSELF

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D: Asexuals just don't give a fuck

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W: No homo tho
D: Bitch
D: All the homo

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D: Touch my fries, I'll skin you with a rusty spoon

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W: Bisexual privilege
W: Being able to say you are "all bi yourself" when you are single

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D: Why do straight people even need dating apps?
D: Don't they meet each other at grocery stores?

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W: CONGRATULATIONS!
W: You guessed someone was gay before they came out
W: You win: nothing

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D: Ring around the rosie
D: Pocket full of posies
D: Ashes, ashes
W: Please don't
D: ⅓ of the European population gets obliterated by the black death
W: Goddamn it

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D: If you ever think you've made a big mistake, just remember that in 1788 the Austrian army attacked itself and lost 10,000 men

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D: Why was Oedipus against profanity
D: Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
W: I'm getting really tired of these motherfucking jokes
W: Wait

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D: 15th of March 2020
D: Ordered a Caesar Salad today, preceded to stab it 23 times before consumption
D: Bruce did not find it as hilarious

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W: GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL
D: Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse
W: Oh rad bring it in

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W: I've been laughing for three years over the fact that in ye old England you could choose to have "trial by cake"
W: In which you ate a piece of cake and if you choked you were guilty and if you didn't you were innocent
W: And the only time it was used, the guy on trial fucking choked and was executed for it

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D: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?
D: None
W: DUDE
W: THATS LOW
D: Just like the population of Ireland during the great famine

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W: I was so sleep deprived the other day that I tried to zoom in on a paper
W: Wtf I just sent that text
W: Oh wait that is my text
W: I haven't slept in 2 days

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R: My favourite moment of high school was having to read huck finn out loud in my english class and I quite literally got kicked out of the classroom because I kept reading "respectable African American brother" instead of the n-word

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W: At last years Christmas party aunt iris was so trashed she introduced me as "the one we pray for" to all our guests

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