Chain of Iron

Chapter Eleven

Cordelia followed James out onto the balcony attached to the library, feeling slightly awkward. She already had an idea as to why he had asked her to join him out here and Cordelia realized now that she did not wish for him to apologize to her. She felt now that she had overreacted the night before; James was free to see and kiss whomever he wished to and it had been unfair for Cordelia to become so upset with him. Although, she just could not help the tears that had come out at the sight of James kissing someone else so passionately, knowing that that had been her not too long ago.

James laid his forearms on the railing of the balcony and his magnificent golden eyes were looking out onto the city of London, thoughtfully. The wind was slightly blowing his black hair and Cordelia wondered how someone could look so beautiful. Ever since they had been children, James had always been breathtaking, but he was even more so now that he had grown into himself.

"I am afraid that I owe you an apology, Daisy." There was worry etched in his eyes as he turned to look at her. "I had told you that I would not be seeing Grace again and I betrayed your trust."

Cordelia shook her head. "It is alright, James. You are free to see whomever you wish to and it is not my place to tell you what you can and cannot do."

"You are not telling me what to do." James pointed out. "I had told you that I would not be seeing her and I lied and for that I am very sorry."

She hesitated for a moment. "You will always love Grace, won't you?"

James looked a bit surprised and Cordelia herself felt it too. She had never asked James about his love life before; it was the one topic, she had noticed, that they never spoke about. James never asked her about her own love life too which Cordelia was glad for; she did not think she would be able to lie to him about how she did not love anyone. She recalled how she had so willingly told Matthew about her feelings for James but she found that did not regret telling him. Somehow, Cordelia trusted that Matthew would not tell her secret.

"I feel that I will." James sighed and looked away from her. "But sometimes I become confused about what it is that I truly want."

Cordelia raised her eyebrows. "In what sense?"

"Sometimes, I feel as if all I want is Grace and that I never wish to be with anyone else but her. Then, at the other times, it feels like I come out of a certain fog and for a moment I question if I truly do wish to be with her." He described. "It is very difficult to explain."

"Well," Cordelia started after considering what James had said. "No one said that you had to decide what you feel in this very moment, James. Feelings are sticky and troubling things and sometimes take time to decipher."

He looked over at her, a small smile playing about his lips. "What a wise thing to say, Daisy."

Cordelia only chuckled and James continued to look at her although his small smile faded a bit and it was replaced by a quizzical expression.

"What were you and Matthew doing out so late last night?" He asked.

"He and I attended the Hell Ruelle again with Anna. I went to tea at her flat yesterday afternoon and Matthew joined us unexpectedly and then Anna suggested that we all go later that night." Cordelia explained as she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

There was an odd look in James' golden eyes but it was gone in a blink of an eye. "Ah well the Hell Ruelle is one Anna and Math's favourite places to attend."

"Do you not enjoy them as well?" Cordelia inquired curiously.

James shrugged. "You know me, Daisy, I would much rather prefer to stay at home with a good book. I am afraid that I am easily entertained, unlike Matthew."

She smiled. "I have always admired that about you."

The words slipped out of her mouth accidentally and she felt embarrassment run through her. What a stupid thing to say, Cordelia thought to herself.

James grinned at her. "Have you really?"

She forced herself to nod and avoided all eye contact with him. James continued to grin at her and Cordelia wished to be anywhere than where she was right now.

"I have always admired your bravery, but much more so since you arrived in London." James spoke, his words surprising her.

"I am not that brave, James." She told him. "I only do what it is that all Shadowhunters would do."

"Not all Shadowhunters would chase after me into an unknown realm and help me fight a Prince of Hell. That was bravery, Daisy." James replied without missing a beat.

That was love, not bravery, she wished to tell him but she did not. They stood out on the balcony and spoke for a few minutes and then decided to return to the library to their friends. Cordelia sat back down in her armchair. Everyone was watching her and James as they sat.

"What is that you lot are staring at then?" James raised an eyebrow.

"Cordelia and Matthew attended the Hell Ruelle last night with my sister without all of us." Christopher absentmindedly spoke.

Matthew gave an exasperated huff. "Why is this Helle Ruelle topic so popular today? I was not aware that I was not allowed to attend one of my favourite Downworld spots. Next time I shall stay home."

James laughed and said something in response but Cordelia only silently observed Matthew. His blond hair had lost some of its fairness over the years when she had not seen him and it was now perfectly golden which Cordelia thought suited him much more. His dark green eyes were studying Christopher who was bent over his notebook, amusement dancing within them. Cordelia recalled how sweet and kind he had been to her the night before; she had never seen that side of Matthew before. She thought of the way he had been looking at her when they had been standing at the entrance her house and it made her her heart beat faster. Matthew then grinned at something Thomas said and Cordelia watched as his whole face lit up and could not deny how handsome he looked.

She tore her gaze off of him; she had no idea as to why she was suddenly so fascinated by Matthew but she decided that she would stop now before it became something else entirely. Cordelia looked around and saw that Lucie was watching her with a thoughtful expression on her face and Cordelia knew that she had seen her observing Matthew. She blushed and looked away from Lucie who, she knew, would interrogate her later about what she had seen Cordelia do.

The doors then suddenly opened to the library and Will and Tessa Herondale came walking in. Cordelia often found herself comparing James and Lucie to their parents; although Lucie looked their mother and James like their father, Cordelia thought they were quite the opposite. James had Tessa'a passiveness and calm personality whereas Lucie had inherited more of Will's wild and loud tendencies. The married couple wore nervous and distressed expressions on their faces and that was when Cordelia knew that their short peaceful month had now come to an end.

"I am afraid that we have some troublesome news, children." Will started, frowning.

"What is it, Papa?" Lucie asked wearily.

"The Bridgestock residence was just attacked by demons." Will announced.

Tessa then looked over at James, sadness clear in her eyes. "Grace Blackthorn was hurt and is now being rushed to the Silent City."