Chain of Iron

Chapter Twenty-Five

Matthew sat with James that evening in the living room of the Institute, lazily. Cordelia had left some hours ago as she had something to attend to at Kensington Gardens and Thomas, Christopher and Lucie had all taken Jesse to show him around London. Matthew had decided that he liked the new boy who was seeming to join their group; he was very unlike Grace and that was enough for Matthew. It made him happy to see that Lucie was so enamored by Jesse; she deserved to love someone and he suspected that Jesse returned her affection.

"You better not go and try to kill Belial." Matthew looked at James, remembering their earlier conservation. "Otherwise you will leave me no choice but to kill you, if you survive."

James grinned, looking amused. "Doesn't that defeat the purpose of me not going to kill Belial then?"

Matthew swatted at him. "It does not matter. It seems that you will be killed either way then."

James laughed just as Tessa walked into the room, a small smile playing about her lips. It was always strange for Matthew to see Aunt Tessa, as he grew older, as she only appeared a few years older than himself. He knew that she was immortal and he wondered how she coped with the fact that one day her family would die and leave her but she would continue on living. Matthew did not know how she handled it.

"Jamie," She addressed her son, smiling at him. "Sona Carstairs and I have set a date for yours and Cordelia's wedding. It is only to be a few days from now."

Matthew felt as if someone had punch him in the stomach as all of the air seemed to leave his body. Their wedding was already to happen? So soon? Of course, Matthew had known that this day would come but he had not expected it to come so quickly. He felt heartbroken but also felt annoyed with himself for feeling this way; he could never have Cordelia so it should not matter.

"Oh," James started, looking pale. "That -- that is great news, Mam."

Tessa smiled at him, knowingly. "I know that you must feel a great sense of nervousness, Jamie, I know that I did myself when I married your father. But everything will go smoothly and soon you will be married to Cordelia."

James only nodded and gave his mother a smile but Matthew could tell that his Parabatai was feeling very uneasy. He gave James a reassuring smile to which he saw that James slightly relaxed. Matthew left the Institute, not too long after that, needing to be alone. He walked aimlessly through the streets of London, feeling more lost than ever before. Matthew could not help but feel heartbroken at the thought that Cordelia would be married in just a few days. That would mean no more walking her home and no more attending the Hell Ruelle with her. It was not proper for a lady to be seen with a man who was not her husband, if she was married.

Matthew felt a sense of loss as he walked; although Cordelia had not returned his affection at least he had been able to spend time with her. Now, he could not even have that. He pulled out his flask and finished every last drop of brandy in it and then placed the flask back into his pocket. Matthew had not drank so much in awhile but he found that tonight he did not care what he did. He thought that he ought to return to his flat and just sleep away the pain but Matthew did not wish to. Thoughts of what he had done to his mother plagued him and guilt crashed through him like a wave.

Matthew needed to tell someone. He had to. He could no longer keep it a secret. He found himself walking towards Kensington Gardens and only when he arrived there, did he wonder what he planned to do. It was very late in the night and he could not possibly knock on the front door and ask for Cordelia. On a whim, Matthew began climbing up the vines on the side of the house until he reached the roof. Praying to the Angel that it would be Cordelia's, he knocked on one of the windows and to his relief, her delicate face appeared before him.

"Matthew? What are you doing here?" Cordelia looked shocked.

"I have something I need to tell you." Matthew heard himself say.

Her eyes widened in curiosity and she opened the window wide enough so Matthew could come through it. He stood in her bedroom, then, and tried not to stare at her. Cordelia was dressed in nothing but her night gown and there was only one thin layer of fabric covering her whole body. Matthew swallowed hard and looked away from her as she took a seat on her bed.

"Come sit, Matthew." She told him.

He shook his head as he paced about her room. "No, you will not wish to be near me after I tell you what I have done."

I am going to say it, Matthew thought to himself, I am really going say what I have done.

He took a deep breath and then started. "While I was growing up, there had always been rumours that I was not my father's real son. I did not think much of them, to begin with, but after a while it began to take its toll on me. I attended the Shadow Market one night and there I bought a potion that supposedly made one speak the truth if they ingested it." Matthew took in a breath. "I gave it to my mother but it turned out very wrong."

"What happened?" Cordelia asked gently.

"She had been pregnant and I had not known. She collapsed and she - she lost the baby." Matthew dared not to look at Cordelia, feeling disgusted with himself. "I murdered my unborn sibling and I - I have not been able to live with myself since."

He did not look at Cordelia as she stood up and walked towards him. He waited for her to say something in disgust or to tell him that he had been wronged his mother horribly, but it did not come. Instead she laid a hand on his arm, tenderly, and Matthew looked up at her. There was nothing but warmth and sympathy in her dark eyes.

"Oh, Matthew." She whispered. "You could not have known that that would happen. You were young and simply wished to know the truth of your heritage; this is not your fault. It may feel and seem like it is, but it is not."

She searched his eyes when he did not reply and went on. "I am not all disgusted by you, Matthew. You are still the same person that I have always greatly admired and that will never change."

Matthew thought that he had never loved her so much in this very moment. Cordelia was not repulsed by him - she was not disgusted by him. He felt so much relief. Finally, he had told someone about his great sin and they had not hated him. Matthew looked down at the hand that Cordelia still had on his arm, and placed his on top of it. Her skin was warm against him and it was a very pleasant feeling.

"I - please do not tell anyone." Matthew whispered, his voice hoarse. "James does not even know. You are the only one who does."

She nodded. "I will never tell a soul, Matthew. I feel very touched that you have shared this with me - I would never betray your trust."

Matthew only looked at her and his heart hurt; she looked so incredibly beautiful but that was not all that he loved about her. Cordelia was so caring and brave and she always knew the right thing to say. She would do anything for the people she loved and she was incredible selfless. Matthew did not know many people like that.

"Thank you, Delia." Matthew spoke in a low voice.

Cordelia hesitated. "Would you like to stay awhile, Matthew? Until you feel well enough to go? I am worried about what you will do if you leave in your upset state."

Everything in Matthew's mind told him that he should say no but he could not. He could not pass up this opportunity to lay in the same bed as Cordelia as it would be the only one he would ever receive. She was risking everything for him in this moment; if anyone saw them together Cordelia would be ruined. Matthew nodded and followed her to her bed. Cordelia laid down and Matthew followed, taking his place beside her. His heart was beating incredibly fast and his mouth became dry as they laid together. They both laid on their backs and Matthew tried to memorize the sound of Cordelia's breathing.

She then reached over and gently held his hand and he took in a small breath. They laid like that until Matthew felt his eyes becoming very heavy and before he could help it, he fell fast asleep.