Chain of Iron

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Matthew watched as James and Cordelia laughed together, standing hand in hand, really looking as if they were a married couple. He was standing by the refreshment table, unable to look away from the sight of his Parabatai and the girl he was in love with. He saw as Cordelia suddenly began to run away from James and how he was beside her within a moment, holding her close to his chest. Matthew tore his eyes away from them; feeling sick. He recalled the way he had almost kissed Cordelia the night before at the ball and felt guilt wash through him.

Matthew did not know what had come over him. Suddenly he had been touching Cordelia, his lips brushing her own. He had felt desire and warmth overtake him and he had wished to kiss her until he could not breathe. Thankfully, Cordelia had had the sense to tell him that they should not and Matthew had hastily pulled away from her, drenched with guilt. Although James did not feel for Cordelia, he was still married to her and Matthew could not engage in any sort of affair with her. Knowing he would never be with Cordelia made him feel sick. On instinct, he pulled out his silver flask from his pocket and downed all of the contents within it.

"Drinking so early in the day, Matthew?" A deep voice asked from beside him. "You could have at least saved me some."

Uncle Will was standing beside Matthew. He was dressed as Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities and Matthew recalled James telling him once that that was his parents favourite novel. He was smiling at Matthew, warmth radiating from his bright blue eyes. Matthew had always greatly admired James' father; he lived his life very unapologetic and did not care what those in the Clave said about him marrying Aunt Tessa.

"My apologies, Uncle Will." Matthew began. "Next time I will be sure to save you some."

"Why is it that you are drinking at one o'clock in the afternoon?" Uncle Will raised an eyebrow curiously.

Matthew shrugged. "It is a party, is it not? I wish to enjoy myself."

"The way you hastily drank all of that alcohol was not like someone who simply wishes to enjoy them self." He did not miss a beat.

"There is a first time for everything, I suppose." Matthew replied simply.

He then glanced over at James and Cordelia who were still very close to another and then averted his eyes. Uncle Will seemed to notice what he had been looking at and Matthew internally kicked himself.

"Ah." Uncle Will spoke in realization. "Now I understand why you are drinking at one o'clock in the afternoon."

Matthew did not say anything; his cheeks burning with shame. He did not wish James' father to know of his feelings for his daughter in law but it seemed that Uncle Will had pieced it all together. Just as he had that evening when James had walked Cordelia home.

"I feel for you, greatly, Matthew." Uncle Will spoke in a soft tone. "It is no easy thing to see the person you love with someone else. Although James is my son, I cannot help but sympathize with you as I know your pain."

"How did you get through it?" Matthew heard himself asking in a low voice. "How did you force yourself to move on?"

Uncle Will then seemed to get a far away look in his blue eyes. "It was very difficult, I will admit, and I never truly did move on. I forced myself to push down what I felt for Tessa and not allow myself to feel it. I was lucky though, that I was able to be with her in end, even though it was under terrible circumstances." He looked up at Matthew. "I did not have to make myself move on and find another as you will have to, and for that, I am very sorry, Matthew."

Matthew only nodded and then hesitated for a moment. "Uncle Will? Please do not tell Jamie of my feelings. I do not wish to cause any drama or tension between us."

Uncle Will nodded his head. "You have my word, Matthew."

Uncle Will then left him alone and Matthew decided to take a walk through the gardens, wanting to be alone for a moment. He needed to move on from Cordelia; he had no choice. There was no point in pining over her when none of it would ever come to fruition. After her marriage to James was over, there would simply be someone that she would marry and Matthew did not want to go through the pain of seeing her wed another person who was not him. Although, he did not wish to be married, he would have done it to be with Cordelia.

Matthew then walked straight into someone, too lost in his thoughts to notice where he was. He looked up to see Magnus Bane before him, dressed in a bright purple tuxedo. He was not sure who he was supposed to be dressed as but admired his choice of clothing nonetheless.

"My apologies." Matthew said to him. "I should have been watching where I was going."

"You seem very distracted, Matthew Fairchild." His cat eyes studied him deeply. "May I walk with you?"

Matthew felt surprised at his request but nodded his head. The pair began to walk through the gardens and Matthew looked down at his feet.

"How have you been since James Herondale and Cordelia Carstairs' wedding?" Magnus started.

"Quite well." Matthew lied.

"Has anyone ever told you that you are a terrible liar?" Magnus told him.

Matthew did not miss a beat. "Actually I have been told that I am a great liar."

"I suppose being alive for many centuries develops one's ability to spot lies then." Magnus sounded amused but then became serious. "Honestly though, Matthew, how are you?"

Matthew decided to answer his question with another question. "Why are you always so concerned with my well being? I am not trying to come off as rude, I am only curious; why me?"

Magnus seemed to consider this for a moment. "Because you remind me of a young man I once knew who was in your exact position."

"Uncle Will." Matthew pieced it together at once.

Magnus nodded his head. "I was able to help him then and I now find that I wish to help you as well."

Matthew only remained silent as an idea brewed in his mind. It had come to him some nights ago when he had been trying to fall asleep; thoughts of Cordelia never allowed him to sleep at night. It seemed like the only way he could ever stop loving Cordelia. It would be a huge risk, but Matthew was desperate.

"I need you to give me something that will make me stop loving Cordelia." Matthew then announced. "That is the only way you can help me."

"I cannot do that, Matthew." Magnus told him. "It is not as simple as just extinguishing your feelings for Miss Carstairs. Doing this could quite possibly ruin your ability to love in general and I cannot be responsible for ruining the Consul's son."

"But there is a way to do it - that is what you are saying." Matthew read in between the lines of his words.

"There is but no warlock would be mad enough to do it for you." Magnus replied, studying Matthew deeply. "You must learn how to move on yourself, Matthew. It will not be an easy road but one day you will look back and be grateful for it."

Matthew felt hopeless; how could he move on from the one person who really seemed to understand him apart from James? Matthew had revealed his inner most deepest secret to Cordelia and she still had loved him. He knew he would not be able to move on from Cordelia for as long as he lived. But Matthew felt tired. Tired of feeling this way about someone who he would never have.

"I am tired of feeling this way." Matthew heard himself say. "I do not wish to live like this any longer. Every time I gaze upon Cordelia, it is pure torture."

Magnus shot him a sympathetic look, just as
Uncle Will had. "I promise you, Matthew, that it will become easier. Until then, you must find ways to distract yourself."

Magnus Bane then left him to go seek out Uncle Will and Matthew only stood by himself for a moment, not yet wishing to go join the party again. It seemed as if every person's only advice was to move on and although he did not wish to, or know how, Matthew did not see how he had any other choice. Cordelia and him were not meant to be and the sooner he accepted this, the better. He sought her out in the crowd; she was speaking to Anna with a wide smile on her face. Oh, Cordelia, Matthew thought to himself, how will I ever let you go?