Chain of Iron

Chapter Nine

"Cordelia, wait!"

Matthew called out her name but Cordelia did not stop walking. He swore under his breath and sped up to a light jog. How could James go back and see Grace? Matthew had had a feeling that James would go back to see Grace but he had hoped that his Parabatai would think better of it. The night was cold and it bit at Matthew's face as he finally sidled up to Cordelia. He glanced at her sideways and it was obvious that she had been crying. But why would she cry? He thought to himself. Was she really that upset that James had broken his word? No matter the reason, it broke Matthew's own heart to see her cry.

"Are you alright, Cordelia?" He asked her softly.

She sniffed and quickly wiped at her face to try to erase any evidence that she had been crying. Even in this state, Matthew still thought she looked beautiful. Her dark red hair was falling down her shoulders and her brown eyes were focused on her feet as they walked. Cordelia had such a unique look to her and Matthew knew that as long as he lived, he would never find someone who was more beautiful than she was. Whoever she ended up with one day would be the luckiest man on Earth.

"I am alright." Cordelia spoke finally. "I - I did not mean to become so upset. It is not like me."

Matthew knew this to be true. Cordelia was one of the strongest people he had come to know; she never seemed to allow anything to bother her or upset her and it was one of the things he admired about her.

"It is okay to feel upset, you know." Matthew softly assured her. "It is better to feel something rather than nothing at all. That is how you know you are alive."

Cordelia chuckled and gave him a small smile. "I did not know you were so wise, Matthew Fairchild."

He sighed dramatically. "I am afraid I am just a wonder, aren't I?"

She laughed again and Matthew smiled to himself, feeling proud for being able to make her laugh. He had certainly been lucky tonight, being able to spend so much time with her. Matthew, though, was not trying to actively pursue her; he loved and respected James too much to do anything of the sort no matter if their engagement was real or fake. Although he suspected James did not have feelings for Cordelia, he could not say the same for her. But still, Matthew cherished these rare moments he was getting with Cordelia alone.

"Why are you really so upset?" Matthew asked her lightly. "You can tell me, Cordelia, I swear on the Angel I will not tell anyone. Not even James, if you do not wish me to."

Cordelia looked at him. "You would hide something from your Parabatai?"

There are many things I hide from James, Matthew silently thought to himself and felt guilt course through him.

"You are my friend, Cordelia. I do not tell my friends' secrets." He replies simply.

She sighed and was silent for a moment. They were almost at Kensington Gardens and Matthew found that he did not wish this night to end. He had enjoyed himself thoroughly at the Hell Ruelle simply speaking with Cordelia and he felt sad not knowing if they would ever have a night like this again. Matthew looked over at her just as she was about to speak.

"I am in love with James." Cordelia stated, not looking at him. "That is why I became so upset when I saw him and Grace."

Her words hit Matthew like a ton of bricks and he fought the urge to stop walking for a moment. Everything in his body became numb and the only feeling he could feel was his heart sinking in his chest. Of course, he had had his suspicions about Cordelia's feelings towards James but he had never truly thought she loved him. Now, looking back, he was not sure how he had missed it. All of those lingering stares she gave him; that night in The Whispering Room where he had caught them in a heated embrace; the look on her face when she had walked into James' bedroom when Grace had been there after her and James' battle in the Shadow Realm. Matthew had missed all of the signs this whole time.

He forced himself to push his sadness down. It did not matter whether Cordelia loved James or not; he was not trying to be with her and Cordelia could never love someone like him anyway. Matthew would do all he could to try to make James return her affection because all he had ever wanted was to see James happy and maybe he could be happy with Cordelia. They could live a long happy life and Matthew would sit by and watch and be happy about it too because the two people he loved most in the world were happy.

"I see." Matthew finally replied, finding his voice. "I swear I will not tell James."

"Thank you, Matthew." Cordelia replied.

They had finally reached Kensington Gardens and Matthew walked Cordelia up to the front door of the large mansion. She stood facing him, the moonlight illuminating her face and making her look even more beautiful. Matthew wanted nothing more than to reach out and to tuck the few strands of red hair that fell on her face behind her ear but he refrained. She was only looking up at him, an odd expression on her face.

"What is that funny look for?" He asked curiously.

"I find that I cannot understand you, Matthew Fairchild. You walk around as if you feeling nothing yet you knew exactly what to say to me tonight when I was upset." Cordelia told him, her eyes never straying from his own.

"Perhaps I am very skilled putting myself in other people's shoes, Miss Carstairs." Matthew suggested simply.

She shook her head. "I do not think so. I think you have said to me exactly what you wish someone would say to you."

Shock ran through his body. How could she know? Matthew thought that he did a great job at hiding his pain and his troubles but it seemed that Cordelia had seen right through him. When he did not reply, she went on.

"I know you that you face many pains, Matthew, and whatever is you can tell me." Cordelia spoke softly. "I told you mine tonight so you do not have to feel embarrassed."

The words were right there at the tip of his tongue: I murdered my mother's unborn child. But they would not come out, no matter how hard Matthew tried to force them. He wanted to tell Cordelia so badly in this moment - to finally tell someone and to get it off of his chest. He knew that she would be disgusted with him, though, and that she would see him differently for the rest of her life and Matthew refused to allow that to happen. He did not think he could bear it if she was ever repulsed by him.

"There is nothing that pains me, Delia." He gave her one of his famous smiles to sell his lie.

Matthew was not sure where his new nickname for her had come from but it had just slipped out at the Hell Ruelle and Cordelia had seemed to like it. She looked at him doubtfully but did not press further which he was thankful for. She was only staring at him as if she could see right through him and it made him feel self-conscious. No one had ever made him so aware of what he looked like before.

"You should get some rest. It's late." Matthew found himself saying then.

Cordelia seemed to snap out of whatever trance she had been in. "It is. Thank you, Matthew, for everything tonight. I had a lot of fun and tell Anna thank you for me as well."

"I will. Goodnight, Cordelia." He replied as he gave her a small smile.

"Goodnight, Matthew." She said and then she slipped silently through the front doors her house.

Matthew turned away from the door and pulled out his silver flask from his pocket as he began his walk home. He took a long sip from it as Cordelia's words came back to him: I am in love with James. The sinking feeling returned but Matthew forced himself to shake it off. It did not matter what she felt for James because Matthew would never have her anyways. It does not matter, Matthew, he told himself. It does not matter.