Christian Turners' Upward Fall (BXB)

Not Enough

I had never felt so worthless or small in my whole life as I do in this moment. It felt like the sky was crashing down, as if reality had been poured onto me in lethal doses.

My skin felt cold and foreign to me. My limbs numb. My head felt the crushing weight of my trust being shattered, and my heart felt the constricting cords of disbelief wind it's way inside of me.

Claire cheated. But she can't cheat, she's perfect isn't she? How can someone who is perfect cheat.

My insecurity was a violent wire choking the breath out of my shell of a body. I couldn't even muster a realistic reaction, tears would not breach the threshold of my mind.

All that was left of me was disbelief, insecurity, and this burning childish hatred I couldn't rid my soul of.

Claires soft and perfect eyes were gleaming with guilt and a mirage of tears. Why was she crying? She has no right to cry. Is it wrong of me to say she can't cry? Is it wrong of me to yell and scream at a girl who is breaking right in front me? Is it wrong of me to express my hurt?

She knew exactly what her words did to me the second they escaped her lips. Perhaps I would've been better off not knowing. Maybe it would be better if I had been completely in the dark. Like an oblivious child doing what their told without question.

The only thing I wanted to ask was why? Why had she done it?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

It was my fault. I'm almost positive. She wouldn't cheat if I hadn't done anything wrong right?

"What did I do wrong?" I asked, my voice cracked with the overwhelming vulnerability I held. It was degrading.

"You did nothing wrong" she cried in response.

Then why? If I had done nothing wrong why on earth would she do this to me?

I wanted it to be my fault. At least it would mean I had done all I could. But now I was just hurting for no reason. Being hurt by her for no reason.

No reason at all. This was unfair. Life is unfair. But I already knew that. I know life is unfair so why does this hurt so much. I'm used to life screwing me over, so why does it hurt so fucking much?

I guess it's because this is different. This isn't exactly life that is screwing me over. It's Claire that is. Claire is the one that is causing this blinding pain.

Yet I want to forgive her. I just want to forgive and forget. But that's not smart. It's unrealistic and naive. But I want it so bad.

Something must be wrong with me to warrant Claire to take such drastic actions against me.

Maybe I wasn't thin enough. Maybe I was too whiny. Maybe I had to much baggage. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to her. Maybe I wasn't a great kisser. Maybe I didn't satisfy her in bed like I thought I did. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe Claire deserves someone better. Maybe she doesn't like the clothes I wear, or my attitude.

Maybe I'm just to fucked up for someone like Claire to love me unconditionally. Maybe there are to many missing pieces of my heart for Claire to put back together. Maybe I depended on her to much.

All of these "maybes" are breaking my heart even more. Just more and more reasons or possibilities to warrant me to hate myself further.

Claire looked so guilty. She looked so worried for me. But why? This was her fault wasn't it? Her doing? So how dare she worry about me.

My body slid to ground. I curled my legs up and dropped my head down, my hands found their way to my hair so they could tug at it in frustration.

"I'm so so sorry. Please Christian you have to listen to what I'm about to say" she begged. In an obnoxiously childish way of rebellion I covered my ears and shut my eyes tight.

Despite that she kept talking, her voice getting louder but I just let the sound fade from my mind. I didn't want to listen to her excuses or pleas.

She said she loved me. But how can you betray someone you love? How?

Maybe this is karma for never saying it back. But I do love her. At least I realize that now. I genuinely love Claire.

I can't say it now though. It's to late. There would be no point.

Eventually the background noise of her tearful voice stopped. I still didn't open my eyes. Only after a few moments of silence did I realize I wasn't breathing correctly.

My breathes were sharp and heavy. My breaths barely made their way through my lungs. I felt as if I were drowning.

Drowning in Claire's expectations. I wasn't good enough. I was a shit boyfriend. I'm not good enough.

Just simply not good enough.

The silence seemed to drag on for years. And so I opened my eyes. Claire was gone. The front door was no longer locked.

She left.

But what else could I expect? I wasn't listening nor being at least a little reasonable. I was acting like a child.

But wasn't she as well? Isn't cheating on someone a childish thing to do? Or perhaps was it a mature way to find love from someone else? I couldn't tell anymore.

My cheeks were rough and covered in dried tears. I glanced at my phone as it buzzed and lit up.

I didn't want to check it. I didn't want to move.

I didn't want to breath, or even think for that matter.

I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted time to stop and I wished for the pain to stop as well.

I'm not good enough.

My hand reached for my phone, I noticed with Shane how my arm trembled and how weak I felt.

Claire (aka the best girlfriend ever): I know you are feeling a lot of emotions right now. I'm gonna give you a few days to process and be alone. Just know I love you.

I stared at the message. She was giving me time to wallow in my sadness alone.

How kind. I thought bitterly.

I guess I just wasn't enough. History likes to keep reminding me of that fact.