Christian Turners' Upward Fall (BXB)

Comfort

Samuel seemed so conflicted as I stood motionless in the parking lot. His hand held onto mine tightly but he was tense as if he wanted to put 50 yards of space between us.

"Let's uh..." his voice trailed once he realized I wasn't really in the mood to pay attention. He just tugged my hand and led me to his car.

"I'm gonna take us to my place. I'll take you home early in the morning alright? And we can stop at Morning Treats to get your car" he explained the "game plan" as I settled into the passenger seat.

My ears felt like they were filled with this dull static sound, like the embodiment of the color "gray" had filled my head.

Sounds became distant and my thoughts were screaming at me.

A constant loop of my inner voice screaming Christian Turner is so fucked up.

Like what the hell inner voice? Why you gotta be such a bitch huh?

Samuel sighed dramatically and before I could react he reached over and put my seatbelt on for me.

God I'm dumb. Actually I'm worse than dumb. I'm a fucking piece of trash. A piece of shit to be more specific. Actually I'm more like a whole fucking bag of shit. Like the really big plastic trash bags.

Samuel was silent for a while as he watched me. He tapped his steering wheel with his index finger rhythmically. It was a soothing sound. Like a soft melody, a compulsion that held no static or uncertainty. The rhythm of the tapping stayed in a certain pattern. It calmed the frantic thoughts in my mind when I focused on how steady it was. It wasn't sporadic, or uncertain. It was sure and complete.

When Samuel stopped my heart sunk a tad.

"Please keep up with the tapping" I whispered softly. Samuel seemed surprised as his head shot over to look at me. He put his hand back on the wheel but before he could start tapping he hesitated and removed his hand. I furrowed my brow in confusion without glancing at him, but I'm sure he saw my expression.

His arm slowly but steadily reached over and made its way to my thigh. I stared at it in curiosity, but suddenly and softly he began the same steady tapping rhythm. But this time on my thigh and not the wheel.

It didn't really make a tapping sound due to the softness of my thigh but I actually preferred it this way. I could feel the rhythm. It was more calming.

Samuel started the car and drove us to his house. I knew for a fact Samuel lived with his mom, I wasn't sure about his dad though. I'm also pretty sure he's an only child.

Soft music made its way through the car as we drove. The passing cars and lights seemed to blur before me as I tired to focus on his hand on my thigh, as if trying to ground myself.

"I'm such a piece of shit. I have no right to be upset. I cheated right back. Fucking shit. Piece of fucking trash. I don't have the right to fucking breathe I should suffocate on my own garbage and die" these words left my mouth trough angry mumbling.

Panic overcame Samuels features as he glanced at me worriedly several times.

"You aren't trash. And you can't die because I'll be sad. Who cares if you cheated right back. It may have not been the best way to handle it but since you cheated I'm sure you had the full intention of breaking up with her. You wouldn't have cheated if you still wanted to date her" he assured me with a stern voice.

But was he right? I'm not really sure. I don't even know what I was thinking when I cheated. It doesn't matter. I could make up no excuse. Excuses were just bullshit after all.