Christian Turners' Upward Fall (BXB)

A Bit Happy

Claire: Please text me back. I need to speak with you.

Claire: Christian?

Claire: I'm worried

Claire: please answer

Claire: you're being so selfish

Claire: can we just talk like adults

Claire: You're so childish

Claire: I give up.

I stared at her helpless stream of messages. I felt bad not responding, but honestly I didn't want to respond. I wasn't ready to talk yet.

I wonder if the guy she fucked goes to our school.

Claire had never truly been angry at me. She seemed angry in the texts but I knew she wasn't. I knew Claire more than anyone else. I knew that rather than being angry when she typed those messages she was crying. Probably making the screen seem blurry from the waterfall of tears. All of her helpless emotions leaking out of her and making the world seem so unclear.

My world was unclear to me as well. We were both suffering. I want to believe I'm suffering the most. I want to believe that she is not so self-centered to be feeling more than I. If she were, that wouldn't feel right. It would feel backwards. Like a lion mourning the gazelle it bit it's teeth into.

Every time I saw Claire I felt like crying. I cheated. I betrayed her right after she betrayed me. God I'm awful. I'm a shit human being.

I'm shit. I fucked up once again. I've made once again another mistake I can't just erase by shedding a few pity tears.

I don't know why I'm like this. Why I keep living a life that I don't want to live. Living a life where I can't help but make mistakes and hurt others. I hurt Claire. I hurt Alaric by just fucking breathing. I hurt Samuel by being an insensitive ass. I hurt my friends by being so distant when they care so much. I hurt my elder sister, she moved to New York to be with me and I just ignore her. I hurt the Prior by being a sinner.

I hurt Corey. I hurt him and now he's dead. I can't help but think he's waiting for me. Impatiently waiting for me to join him. But he had never been the selfish type. Perhaps it isn't selfish, perhaps I deserve to die.

I'm to scared to die. I'm scared to take the leap that Corey was able to take. I just can't. I wish I could though.

I wish I was dead sometimes. Is that bad?

—

Before I could even run Claire was standing in front of me next to my locker.

"We need to talk" she said. I sighed and lowered my head to stare at her shoes.

"Obviously" I mumbled back. I could only imagine she was smiling at me. Her feet began to shuffle on the linoleum floors.

"Okay. So can we? Like in private" she whispers hastily into my ear.

She wants to talk now? In school?

"Maybe...tonight?" I suggest. She seems to be happy at that answer.

"So then you're place?" She assumes. I just shake my head swiftly.

"I'm going to Morning Treats after school. Can we meet after closing hours? In the parking lot?" I ask her. She seems hesitant and makes a weird face at my suggestion.

A nervous laugh escapes her lips. "A sketchy parking lot? Are you going to kill me or something" she responds laughing and putting her hand on my arm playfully.

How dare she act like nothing has changed.

"Maybe" I say looking up to give her a serious look.