Christian Turners' Upward Fall (BXB)

What If's

After we left the cemetery and church grounds I decided to take Samuel to my favorite tea shop. When I told him I was taking us to get tea he only burst into fits of laughter. What a douche.

Despite him being a douche about by taste in beverages he did his best to act rather interesting in all the different flavors and kinds of tea. A small smirk making its way to his face every now and then.

"How do you know you're gay if you're a virgin?" I asked him curiously. He stopped sipping for a moment and just frowned.

"How did you know you were attracted to girls before you lost your virginity?" He retorts.

"Good point" I sigh.

"Yeah, I know" he says grinning.

"Conceited much?"

He just laughs in response.

"Anyways this tea is awful" he says before setting the cup down and shooting it a sturdy look of disgust.

"Hey be careful with that teacup" I say hurriedly, shooting it a worried glance. He furrows his brows before staring at it for a moment.

"...why?" He ask suspiciously. I roll my eyes at that.

"This shop is special. They use actual teacups. Like the legit kind that are imported and painted by with real artists" immediately I start to gush as I tell Samuel about the origins of the teacups that are on display on the walls. He seems interested but honestly he could just be pretending.

"Didn't know you were such a fan of...tea things" he says warily. Though his tone seems exceedingly amused at the prospect.

"Whatever" I grumble. He just shakes his head as he laughs to himself.

"Are we going back to New York today...or are we staying here?" He says while looking at the darkness  of the sky disapprovingly. I didn't realize how late it is.

"We could...but it will be super late. We could also just stay at a hotel" I say. He frowns at the thought.

"Don't your parents live in New Jersey?" He asks warily. He must be questioning whether it's a safe topic or not. It definitely isn't.

"I'm not on good terms with my parents" I tell him simply. He just hesitates before nodding reluctantly.

"Hotel it is" He remarks. Yup guess so. I can't help but wonder if it will be awkward or not? I mean how can I share a hotel room with someone I've been having wet dreams about?

"Let's go, I know a good place. It's actually a bed and breakfast. But the owners are super nice" I say as I reach over and gather his cup from him.

"You seem to be really fond of New Jersey" he says thoughtfully as we head to my car. I can't stop myself from scoffing at that.

"What? You disagree?" He says giving me a confused look. I take a moment to buckle up and reverse out of the parking lot.

"Yeah I disagree. I hate New Jersey, I've got nothing but shitty memories of this whole area" I tell him. He's got a disbelieving look on his face.

"Well you seem fond of certain things. Like that shop." He tells me.

"Yeah but that's it"

"By the way, what are your plans for after high school?" He asks.

"I'm going to go into the psychology field. Work in the same kind of setting I work in now but actually be one of the psychologist...or something like that" it feels good to get my after high school plans in the open, nobody really asks me important questions like that.

"That's sounds cool. You're way too nice" he says smiling. I just shrug at that. Though a warm feeling creeps in at the thought that Samuel regards me with such warm thoughts.

"What about you?" I ask after clearing my throat.

"I'm not super sure. I either want to be a teacher or continue with the whole baking thing and have my own shop" he says, though I can tell how conflicted he is just by his facial expressions.

"Either one is fine I think. Though personally I'm rooting for the bakery thing, I'm sure if you were the owner it would be absolutely amazing" I tell him honestly. He just smiles softly to himself.

"Thanks. Maybe I'll do that then" he answers softly.

"Uh but I wouldn't take my word for it. If you end up doing it and you regret it just know that you can't blame me" I rush out the words in a slight panic. If this little attractive piece of shit dislikes my advice he cannot blame me whatsoever I will not accept it.

He just burst out laughing, going so far as to clutch his stomach.

"You're going to give me abs if you keep acting like a dork" he says between huffs of laughter.

"Yeah you need em" I say sarcastically. He shoots me a horrified look before punching my arm, though it was mostly in a joking manner.

"I have abs!" He argues. Jesus lord my eyes once again find themselves rolling back to fucking Narnia.

"You do not!" I argue back.

"How would you even know?" He exclaims horrified. I just burst out laughing, he seems genuinely terrified at the thought that I may have seen him without a shirt on. Though sadly I haven't.

"Look I haven't seen you naked or anything I'm just assuming based on your build" I say. He scoffs and rolls his eyes sarcastically.

"Are you calling me puny?" He says pointing an accusing finger at my shoulder.

"Maybe" I say in a sing-song voice. This just results in us both laughing and me doing my best to sober up and focus on driving.

Spending time with Samuel seemed overwhelmingly refreshing. It felt good and I found myself constantly wanting him to praise me or laugh at a stupid joke I make.

Maybe I do like Samuel. Maybe my feelings are a little more than just friendship mixed with lust. It scares me though to see Samuel in a new light. Before when I thought of him I just thought about us fucking or being casual like friends. At least that's what I hoped for. But now...this tight feeling in my chest is forcing me to think about Samuel as something more.

Now it's hard to stop myself from imagining us going on dates or sharing feverish kisses. I even imagine us holding hands.

The unfortunate truth is that it would never happen. Samuel has seen the ugly parts of me, not even all of them at this point. He knows I'm a cheater. He know I'm not loyal. I have no chance with someone as pure and good-willed as him. Though it still hurts to think about how my fucked up mind is preventing me from trying to be happy.

All of the what if's are finally beginning to sting.