Falling Inevitably

28th Fall

28th Fall

Tobias was the one who communicate with Tris about Theo's condition. He understand the medical terms unlike me. Matapos ay ipapaliwanag niya sa akin ito sa mas madaling salita.

What I really understand is Theo has a problem with his two organs, the lungs and the heart. Idagdag pa na premature baby siya. That made it worst.

I spent my times looking on my son from the glass. Ilang beses pa lang ako pinayagan na mahawakan siya mula sa incubator. Pero halos nasa labas ako at nakabantay sa kanya.

My phone vibrated. Sa nakalipas na mga linggo ay maraming message na sa akin si Mama na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin sinasagot. They are expecting me to go home because it's my semestral break. May ilang message din mula kina Porsha at Migo. I deactivated my social media accounts days after I gave birth.

Courtney's message on me caught my attention. Binuksan ko ito at nakita na may link siyang sinend sa akin. It's the MIA New York's student portal. At dahil kuryoso ay pinindot ko ito.

A list of dean's lister came to the screen. Hindi naman mahirap na makita ang surname ko sa halos unahan ng listahan. I want to be happy about it yet I don't feel anything.

I blankly stared at it. Afterwards, my eyes went to my son who's still inside the NICU. Because I wanted to keep up with my studies, I fucking endangered my son's life.

I'm such a horrible mother.

"You're crying again..."

I know it was Tobias. Naramdaman ko na lamang na pumulupot ang mga braso niya sa akin. Lalo tuloy akong napahikbi.

"It's all my fucking fault," Ani ko habang humigpit ang hawak sa cellphone ko.

Before I could throw it away, Tobias immediately got it from my grasped.

"Stop blaming yourself, love... it's not you intend that to happen,"

Even though it's not my intention yet I end up making it. I'm sure a freaking failure. I'm a failure as a daughter and a mother too.

Tobias just quietly comforted me as we both watch Theo from afar. Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras ang tinagal namin duon pero nanatili kaming tahimik. Napawi na ang mga luha ko na tila wala nang kayang lumabas sa aking mga mata.

"Tobias,"

Parehas kaming napalingon ni Tobias sa tumawag sa kanya. It is a man who's wearing a doctor's coat. He seems familiar to me. Parang nakita ko na ito nung kasal namin.

"Here's the result of the DNA,"

Natigilan naman ako sa narinig. Lumapit si Tobias dito at tinanggap ang envelop.

"I hope you keep this confidential, Kael," Seryosong sabi ni Tobias.

Oh I remembered now. He's Kael, his cousin. Bakit nga ba puro doktor ang mga royalties na ito? Kahit si Tobias ay nakuha rin ng med. It's like in their blood too.

"'Course," Sagot ni Kael at sumaludo pa. Napangiti naman ako ng bahagya.

Tumango ito bago iniwan kami. Lumapit muli si Tobias sa akin. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa envelop na hawak niya. Hindi naman nagtagal at ibinigay niya iyon sa akin.