Confessions of an Ordinary ME

Chapter 30

Being around Joe makes me forget everything - the pain, the loneliness, sadness, Mikhail. Its not that I want it to happen, but it just does. Somehow, being with him helps a lot in putting the pieces of my heart together, helps a lot in finding myself. 

I don't see him as someone I'd say I love you to, or someone who'd pick me up for dinner dates, or anything romantic at all. To me, he is a friend; a friend I never had - but my heart tells me otherwise.

We were driving a highway to Nice, France at twilight. We decided to stop by at the nearest market to buy clothes we can change into and get some food too. 

"By the way, I wrote a song recently and I want you to tell me what you think." Out of the blue he spoke about writing a song. 

"I've been thinking about what you said, about feelings and emotions putting into a song. I tried it." He added as he scrolled the list. 

My heart was beating with the beat of the music, the sun is slowly rising, obscuring the darkness of dawn. My heart is racing - I don't know what I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it. The song felt familiar. I looked at him curiously as the song approached the ending. 

"I know who you are." He pulled over to the side of the highway. 

"When I heard your name at the audition, I know I heard it somewhere." He added. 

"The runaway princess." At that moment I felt that there's no use in hiding anymore since I'm done running away anyways. 

"Not just that." Coldly, he looked at me. 

"What do you mean?" He was silent for a while, staring closely at me. 

"Joe tell me." 

"Never mind. Doesn't matter anyways." Teasingly, he smiled and drove again. 

"I hate you." Cliff-hanged. 

"So tell me. What do you think of the song?" 

"Its good. I mean, for a confession, it does sound desperate." 

"Well, I'm desperate." 

We suddenly approached a heavy traffic ahead that caused our topic to change. 'What did he meant?' I asked myself over and over. He found a parking space and eventually we walked around the market. I thought to myself that I'd ask him next time I get a chance. I can't imagine myself dating Joe, he seemed to be the material boyfriend I could have, but the thing is, I don't see him that way - I don't know why. For the fact that I'm attracted to him, and that he's gorgeous, I don't get it. 

"You two look good together." A saleslady said while Joe was checking the clothes she was selling. 

"Oh no no. We're not... together." Defensively, I denied. He looked at me with a smile, still. I don't get him really. Sometimes he talks like he likes me, but acts otherwise, sometimes he makes me feel that he's interested in me, but tells me otherwise. 

"Change that would you? Belle Ame." She leaned and told Joe. They had a good laugh, then we went to the next stall. 

"What's belle ame?" 

"Beautiful soul." He coldly replied while walking and pretending to be searching desperately for clothes. 

After pointlessly walking around the clothes section, we went over to the other side of the market where they sell food. Its my first time eating street foods, and I never imagined they tasted good. Randomly, a lady came to our table and said she could read our fortune. We entertained her. 

"Ask me anything." She said. 

"Anything?" Joe seemed to be too fascinated. 

"When will she find her true love?" He's suddenly asking about me. I pinched him.

"What?" He exclaimed with a smile. 

"Oh she have. She just don't know it yet." Awkward silence; Joe's teasing behavior suddenly changed.

"What about him?" I tried breaking the tension; I could see from the corner of my eyes, that he looked at me. 

"He have to. But its indefinite." 

"What do you mean?" Curiously, I asked. 

"Its like a love story of the mute that fell in love with the blind." I have no idea what she just said. Joe tipped her, then she left. He was still quiet and its awkward. I don't know what to say, nor do, so I quietly ate my food.

Subconsciously, I wish Faith was with me; I'm enjoying the life we both imagined - free. Like, driving at midnight, lost in a city with a guy, eating street foods, attending a school that you really want. Well, basically, a life controlled by you yourself - an ordinary life. As much as I like living it, there is a part of me that says it does not belong to me. Its not the life I'm supposed to be living. 

How do I embrace this change in my life and say good bye to it eventually? Especially, knowing that I still have my responsibilities in An Tra. I hate to admit it, but I'm only here because I don't want it...yet. I'm still a runaway princess. 

"Why so quiet?" Finally, hearing him speak again eased a lot the tension between us.

"Oh. Nothing. I just have a lot in my head." 

"Mikhail?" 

"No, not at all. I'm fine now, and I am moving on."

"Good. So what's on your head?" 

"Family stuff. Its complicated." 

"Your life seemed to be full of complications." 

"Well yeah. I'm leaving." 

"What? You haven't even finish your food." 

"No, Joe, I mean, I'm leaving France. I'm going home." He looked at me curiously. 

"Its complicated but, I only ran away because I'm running away from the life I'm supposed to be living. Judging from how this life turned out to be only meant that its not where I belong. " I added. 

I know that what I'm saying is disappointing and sad, because its a life I've ever wanted, but I feel fine by it, I mean, with the decision I'm making. Why do I feel like I need him to say something, like, I need him to stop me. 

"Are you serious?" 

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

"Am I gonna see you again?" 

"I don't know."